Do I have to tell family?

Hi. I am new here and just beginning my research into WLS. The more I read, the more this surgery sounds like a step in the right direction for me. A step towards a healthier me! I know that if I do decide to have surgery, probably the last thing that may hold me back is the reaction from friends and family. Of course I would never go ahead and do this without talking to my husband beforehand and I do believe that he will be supportive of my decision. However, his family is a whole other thing! No one in his family have ever been seriously overweight. If someone has gained 10 or 20 lbs, they just start eating right, exercising and the weight comes off, simple as that. Most of my husbands family are very petite and have never had issues with weight. I know that they do not see obesity as a disease and I know they just figure that I must be eating too much to be as big as I am. They probably think I am just lazy or a pig and that is why I have this problem. They just don't understand. They are a very active, sports minded family and being physically fit and at a proper weight is a priority with them. I am always embarrased at family get togethers because of my size. I feel like that black sheep and I know they must be embarrased to have an obese person in their family even if it's just through marriage. I think that my inlaws and the rest of their family will think of WLS as some kind of failure to just diet and exercise and lose the weight. After all, that is all they have to do to lose those extra 5 lbs they put on at Christmas time! I would really like to be able to have this surgery without them knowing about it. I am pretty sure that my husband would keep this private between him and I but I am wondering if I am being unrealistic to think that I could go through major surgery and then the major , permanent changes in eating habits and such without them ever finding out? Would I be a terrible liar to let them beleive that I was losing weight by diet and exercise alone? For those of you who have already had this surgery, would it have been possible to keep this a secret even to close family that you saw say on a weekly basis? This whole issue concerns me and I am worried that if I do decide that surgery is the right step for me to take and I get approval from my doctor, the surgeon and my insurance, that this one thing would hold me back. How have others dealt with this?

Hi Lisa, You've got a lot of troubles on your mind, huh? Here's a couple of things I had to remind myself of both pre and post op. (and I'll encourage you to read my profile, because I DID try to keep it from some of my family). 1. the decision to have WLS is yours and yours alone. When you decide to pursue this success, you should do it because it benefits YOUR health and well-being. Pre op, it's easy to be worried about what other people think.. but the bottom line is, this is for you. This is to help you be healthy again. You'll discover -- post op and maybe even before -- that it won't matter one whit what your husband's family, people at work, friends across the street or strangers on the street think about WLS or your reasons for choosing this route. 2. keeping secrets stinks. WLS is a very personal and private matter for many people... but once you get to the "other side," little things will start to change.. I noticed that I now tell perfect strangers about my procedure. (Not in detail, of course) I just have no ability or desire to hide it. It was like this sudden well of pride -- after so many failed attempts and years of MO -- here I was being successful.. I'd finally found the tool that worked for me. Ultimately, deciding to NOT keep it a secret (particularly from members of my family) eliminated a lot of unecessary stress at a time when I needed as much peace as possible. You'll do what you feel is right.. just listen to your heart. You don't have to tell them you're doing it.. and maybe after you've gathered and understood your own reasons for wanting surgery, you'll be better equipped to have reasoned, informative discussions with those family members you think won't understand. Also, once I did tell family members -- I sent them here to read and be able to ask questions of others.. that seemed to help a lot, too. Best of luck to you.. it's not as difficult as you might think.. Stef

I was so concerned about telling my parents that I put it off for months. I finally told them I was considering the surgery, and was astounded at their support! They were so happy for me. I never would have dreamed it. I haven't had my surgery yet but it's coming soon. My parents have really been supportive. Tell them. Lynne

Lisa, Oh My Gosh! When I read your post it was like you were describing my in-laws exactly! My husband did tell his mom that I was having the sugery, thinking she would be supportive. But she totaly wasn't, her reaction was; "why doesn't she just join weigh****chers again, and stick to it." I get angry just writing that. They just don't understand the struggle and what it is like to litterally spend you whole life fighting and wondering how you are going to lose the weight. I too feel out of place at family events at my in-laws. I feel like everyone is looking at everything I eat. I think what I fear most is how they will treat me when I am thinner. I lost 60+lbs in winter 2003, I noticed they treated me better, with more respect because I was losing weight. I didn't like it, I hurts me that somehow I had more value when I was losing weight. And when I began to gain, I kept wondering, why aren't I good enought now? Are they just biting their toung? I tried to explain to my mother inlaw what dieting and failing over and over again does to my psyc. health, and my depression. She is sympathetic but not truly understanding. So now that the cat is out of the bag I am in search of very good reading materials, stats, etc. to mail her to help her understand Why on earth I would do this. I am POSITIVE they have never considered Obesity a disease, and I guess only through education and hopefully an open mind on her part, will she understand. SOOO if anyone knows of any good web pages for familys to read let me know. Thanks for listening, Jen