marital issues (for a newbie vet)

So we weathered the storm of the first year.... and now in year 2, I feel my marriage slipping. It's not due to crazy hormones or to my changed body - - he's always loved me no matter what size I was - - but due to his health issues. My husband has anxiety and Ulcerative Colitis and has struggled with managing those for the past year. It takes a toll on me. Has anyone else felt less of their spouse for not taking proactive efforts on their own health? As I write that sentence, I can see how it applies to the years I was morbidly obese and not really doing much to change it.....I guess what I really need is a resurgence of hope, a reason to stick this out and not let resentment take hold. (and to be clear, what I resent is when a lot of self-inflicted pain comes from issues he doesn't take initiative to get a hold of. Believe me, I know how crippling anxiety is - - both personally and professionally - - but when one has the tools to do something about what pains them and NOT using those tools is painful, why not DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT??). Any help would be appreciated...

I agree that we ALL need to take care of ourselves to do our best from not being a burden to our partners. I get frustrated with my boyfriend for not taking care of himself (we've known each other 20 years, so he is really more than just a "bf"). He has supported me when I was fat, when I was thin, when I had floppy skin, and now with scars. He is wonderful. But he does not take care of himself. It irritates the snot out of me. I tell him all the time I am busting my ass taking care of myself so we can have a wonderful retirement together, but how will I enjoy it if he is DEAD????? I can be dramatic, I admit. He is trying to do better, but I know I cannot make him make better choices as far as food and exercise are concerned.

Laura, thank you so much for your story! I'm glad to have my irritation be normalized - I have a tendancy to feel guilty over silly stuff!

It is OK to feel the way you do. You worked hard ..he decided not to.
I have no patience with some peoples. My ex was an alcoholic. I offer my support and help if he would get clean. He choose the booze. I divorced him. I had a BF who would eat dessert even tough is was diabetic. I left him. Living someone does not mean that they have a free ride to do what they want to their body and us to have to deal with the outcome. If he is dealing with his issues without affecting you - that is his issue. But if his health and lack of action affect you down the road -and it is something he can prevent or at least improve - then you have a right to be mad or disappointed in him.

My husband had a heart attack in 2007 ~ had I taken him to the ER, he would have died traveling to Florida. I cannot imagine what someone who had never had a health issue before feels when they have stints put into their chest; especially when they have a penis. He gained over 100 pounds and became very apathetic. I stayed with him because I loved him so much and we'd already been through enough Hell without divorcing. For almost five years I held my tongue, was supportive, etc. However, one day I snapped. I could no longer respect, support, or condone my husband neglecting his health at the expense of me and our daughter. I was tired of the apathetic attitude. I told him that sometimes love isn't enough and he either needed to start taking care of himself (by going to the doctor), or he'd be alone. He went to the doctor and was prescribed T-gel - he dropped 100 pounds and most of the attitude. I didn't like having to issue an ultimatum, but I was completely exhausted.

I would suggest you look at him and tell him he has the tools, meds, whatever to deal with this and as much as you love him, you're finished enabling him. He needs to put his big boy panties on and take charge of his health or suffer the consequences alone. Because, guess what - life is too short to deal with his passiveness.