deeply hurt and angry
I am trying to make sense of something terrible that happened last week.
The night before my partner of 10 years was schedualded fro a lap Band procedure we had a quiet time together, prayed and laughed, then tried to sleep. At 8:00 AM we went to the hospital. At 11:30 he went up to pre-op. He took his dad up with him, which I hoped would make him feel calm and I waited.
What you don't know yet is that up until that point everything seemed as we expected. We'd talked about this for over two years. Looked at both Band and RNY anmd settled on the BAND.
At 12:30 pm my boyfriend's dad called down to speak to me. He told me that the plans seemed to be changing. That if the insurance company agreed My Man had decided to have the full GB RNY that day!
I flipped out. I was horrified and in total Shock. I begged to speak to my S.O. but his dad told me it was not possible now. He said he's already being prepared\.
He came down a few minutes later after my SO went under and they had begun the RNY.
I know that many here may be critical of me but I was so stunned and hurt by what had just happened that I couldn't stay at the hospital. I left and went to our hotel room cried and cursed and tried to sleep.
8 hours later, after some complications, I spoke to a friend that had joined us at the hospital and learned that my SO was finaly out of surgery. (Their was old scar tissue from earlier surgery and the surgeon punctured the new stomach!)
I was so angry that he had done this without a word to me that I decided to leave. His Dad and our friend stayed with him.
We have not spoken to each other since that morning one week ago. He went to our friends home to recover. (a guy he went to college with)
I have moved back to my own home and don't expect to hear from him any more.
This is like a trauma experience. I never dreamt that he would do this to us. I tried so hard to support him. I did tons of research and tried to share it with him, even when he didn't wnat to consider some of it. But I never thought it would end like this.
This hurts so much.
The night before my partner of 10 years was schedualded fro a lap Band procedure we had a quiet time together, prayed and laughed, then tried to sleep. At 8:00 AM we went to the hospital. At 11:30 he went up to pre-op. He took his dad up with him, which I hoped would make him feel calm and I waited.
What you don't know yet is that up until that point everything seemed as we expected. We'd talked about this for over two years. Looked at both Band and RNY anmd settled on the BAND.
At 12:30 pm my boyfriend's dad called down to speak to me. He told me that the plans seemed to be changing. That if the insurance company agreed My Man had decided to have the full GB RNY that day!
I flipped out. I was horrified and in total Shock. I begged to speak to my S.O. but his dad told me it was not possible now. He said he's already being prepared\.
He came down a few minutes later after my SO went under and they had begun the RNY.
I know that many here may be critical of me but I was so stunned and hurt by what had just happened that I couldn't stay at the hospital. I left and went to our hotel room cried and cursed and tried to sleep.
8 hours later, after some complications, I spoke to a friend that had joined us at the hospital and learned that my SO was finaly out of surgery. (Their was old scar tissue from earlier surgery and the surgeon punctured the new stomach!)
I was so angry that he had done this without a word to me that I decided to leave. His Dad and our friend stayed with him.
We have not spoken to each other since that morning one week ago. He went to our friends home to recover. (a guy he went to college with)
I have moved back to my own home and don't expect to hear from him any more.
This is like a trauma experience. I never dreamt that he would do this to us. I tried so hard to support him. I did tons of research and tried to share it with him, even when he didn't wnat to consider some of it. But I never thought it would end like this.
This hurts so much.
Why are you so upset.......The fact that he had RNY period, or the fact that he didn't tell you that's the surgery he wanted to go with?
Hopefully though, you will come to realize that he did what he thought was best for him. It's ultimately about his health and well being. WLS is a very personal journey and those of us that have had surgery, had to choose what was going to work best for us and be the most beneficial tool.
I recommend giving yourself time to get over the anger and hurt. Try and think about how you would feel if the tables were turned. I would hate to see anyone throw away a relationship becasue of a choice he made to better his life. Reach out to him, talk to him, tell him how you feel. At least give both you and him the opportunity for that closure. If nothing comes of the conversation and you both move your seperate ways, at least you know you made an effort to patch things up. He may feel very betrayed and hurt by your actions too. He was probably very vulnerable and needed your love and support more than ever. You cannot be responsible for the actions and choices of others. The only thing you have power over is the way you react to those actions and choices. Good luck to you and I hope you are able to make some sort of amends.
Please try and remember too, there are people who have lost loved ones on the operating table. It sounds like you SO is very lucky to have come out okay. Take that opportunity, that second chance, and make the most of it. Not everyone is fortunate enough and would give anything to be able to talk to a loved one again. The biggest tradgedy of all would be if you allowed there to be a "death", when in fact, there wasn't.
Hopefully though, you will come to realize that he did what he thought was best for him. It's ultimately about his health and well being. WLS is a very personal journey and those of us that have had surgery, had to choose what was going to work best for us and be the most beneficial tool.
I recommend giving yourself time to get over the anger and hurt. Try and think about how you would feel if the tables were turned. I would hate to see anyone throw away a relationship becasue of a choice he made to better his life. Reach out to him, talk to him, tell him how you feel. At least give both you and him the opportunity for that closure. If nothing comes of the conversation and you both move your seperate ways, at least you know you made an effort to patch things up. He may feel very betrayed and hurt by your actions too. He was probably very vulnerable and needed your love and support more than ever. You cannot be responsible for the actions and choices of others. The only thing you have power over is the way you react to those actions and choices. Good luck to you and I hope you are able to make some sort of amends.
Please try and remember too, there are people who have lost loved ones on the operating table. It sounds like you SO is very lucky to have come out okay. Take that opportunity, that second chance, and make the most of it. Not everyone is fortunate enough and would give anything to be able to talk to a loved one again. The biggest tradgedy of all would be if you allowed there to be a "death", when in fact, there wasn't.
I am hurt becuase he didn't trust me enough t tell me that he wanted to go this route. It was such a shock and made me feel cut out from him entirely.
Not one member of his family felt that he had enough coping skills to handle the many changes that come with this surgery. He has been in therapy for depression and other issues since 1997. It was apparent to me and others that love him that he was not in the best place emotionally this past year and had begun to worry.
I am not trusting that the surgeon let him make the decision at the last minute either. It seems reckless to me.
I understood that he felt that surgery was his only option but I would have hoped that the respect and support I had tried to share would have let him know taht he could be honest with me at least.
Now every member of his family and many of our friends worry if he'll survive the many stresses that come with this type of surgery. We don't want him to die. Being thinner will not fix what hurts in his head and heart unless he addresss that totaly at last.
I loved him for him. I didn't care whether he was fat or thin. I wanted him to be healthy in mind and body. And yes, I do feel betrayed. I am sorry. Maybe somehow we will reconnect by I don't know how right now.
Not one member of his family felt that he had enough coping skills to handle the many changes that come with this surgery. He has been in therapy for depression and other issues since 1997. It was apparent to me and others that love him that he was not in the best place emotionally this past year and had begun to worry.
I am not trusting that the surgeon let him make the decision at the last minute either. It seems reckless to me.
I understood that he felt that surgery was his only option but I would have hoped that the respect and support I had tried to share would have let him know taht he could be honest with me at least.
Now every member of his family and many of our friends worry if he'll survive the many stresses that come with this type of surgery. We don't want him to die. Being thinner will not fix what hurts in his head and heart unless he addresss that totaly at last.
I loved him for him. I didn't care whether he was fat or thin. I wanted him to be healthy in mind and body. And yes, I do feel betrayed. I am sorry. Maybe somehow we will reconnect by I don't know how right now.
I can totally understand the trust issue and your feeling of betrayal. You clearly did your homework and research regarding weight loss. You should not apologize for feeling betrayed, your emotions are yours and yours alone. No one should dictate how you feel. You are absolutely right, the surgery does not fix the head. And speaking from experience, the band is no different. Food is food and addiction is addiction. Without getting to the root of the problem, the surgery is only a temporary solution. There is a great deal of devotion and dedication to the ongoing lifestyle changes that come with surgery. When someone fails the lifestyle change, they fail the surgery. I am surprised your SO made it through the psych eval if he is indeed emotionally unable to cope with the surgery. Maybe his surgeon did not have stringent requirements for that aspect....I am sure there are some who can slip through the cracks.
Often times, people who are MO, suffer from depression. It's a very sad place to be, trapped in a body that betrays you, stuck in a reality too painful confront. You become non-human to others, as if you are devoid of any feelings or emotions and worse yet, society says it's okay for you to be ridiculed and teased by anyone and everyone that feels the desire. Some of his hurt and depression may very well stem from this kind of treatment. It is a vicious cycle; food causes the obesity, the obesity causes pain, food seemingly fills the void, so one over eats and so on...... So becoming thinner will boost his confidence, help him become human again. The physical changes do bring about a desire to succeed, a euphoria to do everything on your power to make the surgery a success; eating right, exercising, gaining back self-esteem.
But let me be blunt and play the devil's advocate. I don't mean to sound harsh or be disrespectful to you, just please keep in mind that this a 2D conversation. I can feel the love in your posts, I truly do, however, you make a lot of "we" and "me" statements regarding HIS surgery. Maybe he felt like RNY was the best solution for him all the time but he was too afraid to tell you because you made his journey, your own. Just a thought. I have a hard time believing that the surgeon just up and changed the type of surgery he was going to do. I can't imagine that it was that easy, especially for insurance approval....that process can be the longest of all. So my guess is that your SO had discussed it with the insurance and Dr. long before the surgery date but wasn't comfortable talking with you about it. I know that concept doesn't help the betrayal issue at all, but maybe he figured that once it was all said and done, you wouldn't have any say in it and you would accept it. Maybe your SO didn't anticipate this type of reaction from you.
Loving him for him, is also about respecting his sand supporting them. WLS is sooooooo much more than being fat or thin. It is often a last resort, the final cry for help in a battle with food. It is the opportunity to get healthy both mentally and physically. Your SO is going to go through a great deal of changes, no doubt. Those changes are the same, regardless of what type of weight loss surgery he opted to go with. If you are not ready to reconnect with him now, that's okay. I just find it very sad that your last paragraph was referencing him in the past tense, as if he were dead. I wouldn't make any rash decisions right now being in such an emotional state. Give yourself space so you don't react to him on an emotional level. However, like I said before, I think you both deserve the opportunity to explain to each other what you are going through and why you feel the way you do. It's okay to feel betrayed. It's okay to be hurt and be mad. He can't undo the surgery at this point. And maybe, just maybe his success with the surgery is going to be all that much better with your love and support !! I can almost bet that he is hurting as much as you by not having you there to experience the journey with
Often times, people who are MO, suffer from depression. It's a very sad place to be, trapped in a body that betrays you, stuck in a reality too painful confront. You become non-human to others, as if you are devoid of any feelings or emotions and worse yet, society says it's okay for you to be ridiculed and teased by anyone and everyone that feels the desire. Some of his hurt and depression may very well stem from this kind of treatment. It is a vicious cycle; food causes the obesity, the obesity causes pain, food seemingly fills the void, so one over eats and so on...... So becoming thinner will boost his confidence, help him become human again. The physical changes do bring about a desire to succeed, a euphoria to do everything on your power to make the surgery a success; eating right, exercising, gaining back self-esteem.
But let me be blunt and play the devil's advocate. I don't mean to sound harsh or be disrespectful to you, just please keep in mind that this a 2D conversation. I can feel the love in your posts, I truly do, however, you make a lot of "we" and "me" statements regarding HIS surgery. Maybe he felt like RNY was the best solution for him all the time but he was too afraid to tell you because you made his journey, your own. Just a thought. I have a hard time believing that the surgeon just up and changed the type of surgery he was going to do. I can't imagine that it was that easy, especially for insurance approval....that process can be the longest of all. So my guess is that your SO had discussed it with the insurance and Dr. long before the surgery date but wasn't comfortable talking with you about it. I know that concept doesn't help the betrayal issue at all, but maybe he figured that once it was all said and done, you wouldn't have any say in it and you would accept it. Maybe your SO didn't anticipate this type of reaction from you.
Loving him for him, is also about respecting his sand supporting them. WLS is sooooooo much more than being fat or thin. It is often a last resort, the final cry for help in a battle with food. It is the opportunity to get healthy both mentally and physically. Your SO is going to go through a great deal of changes, no doubt. Those changes are the same, regardless of what type of weight loss surgery he opted to go with. If you are not ready to reconnect with him now, that's okay. I just find it very sad that your last paragraph was referencing him in the past tense, as if he were dead. I wouldn't make any rash decisions right now being in such an emotional state. Give yourself space so you don't react to him on an emotional level. However, like I said before, I think you both deserve the opportunity to explain to each other what you are going through and why you feel the way you do. It's okay to feel betrayed. It's okay to be hurt and be mad. He can't undo the surgery at this point. And maybe, just maybe his success with the surgery is going to be all that much better with your love and support !! I can almost bet that he is hurting as much as you by not having you there to experience the journey with
I have to agree with Dawn, in that you make a lot of “we" and “me" statements regarding his surgery; prior to surgery had you made your preference between the types of procedures known? I mean you say you talked about it for 2 years. Could it be that he felt you wouldn't support his choice to have RNY rather than Lap-Band? Or that you would have tried to talk him out of RNY? Did you tell him his family doesn’t fell he has the coping skills to deal with the RNY? [I assume you agree with his family.]
Have you talked to him about any of this yet? I don’t want to sound harsh but the way I see it when someone you love has done something that hurts you, you talk to them, tell them that you are hurt. You don’t just run away from it. It seems you have just runaway. If you feel unable to talk to him maybe you can try couples therapy.
Thank you everyone for your honesty. Also thank you for taking the time to send such a deeply thought out response, Dawn. I appreciate that it is hard to have a clear picture of somebody else's situation.
I know I sound like it's about me and not my SO. That may be true to some degree. Still, I do feel that the degree of secrecy that seems to have occurred between us appears to be bordering on total distrust from him and it breaks my heart! I had no idea that he didn't think he could be honest with me until he made his decision. But I am beginning to see why as I look back over the last year.
OK, I admit that I had grave reservations about how successful he would be with RNY, and yes we had talked about it. I told him I didn't think it was good for him. Yes, I had talked to his family and we all had the same concerns. He admitted that he felt that none of us believed he could do RNY. He seemed to feel that he needed to do it to prove something to other people. We just didn't want him to die or suffer from any serious RNY complications that none of us felt he had adequately studied.
I see that it bothers some folks here when a spouse or partner talks in terms of "we" or "us", but as I have always believed, the two become one at a certain point and the decisions one makes are no longer made alone but together or else there will be real problems! This decision definitely effects both people as they try to live with these new changes together.
My partner is a fun, kind and bright man but he does still struggle with many childhood hurts that make him handle many situations in a rather adolescent manner. That has included how other treat him in his eyes.
For example he does not handle conflict with co-workers well. The criticism of any superior is always seen as a personal attack because he is "fat". Sometimes we all just have to work with a***holes, it has nothing to do with your weight. My S. O. could never see that. He had become more and more convinced that "if only he was thin" people would respect him all the time. That is simply not true. I know because I am a short, plump gal with big boobs. I make people see me, not my weight or my boobs if I possible can, and when I can't I realize that it is their problem, not mine!
I realize that after a lifetime of being large it can seem impossible to acheive that mindset but God knows I made it as clear as I could I saw him not his weight and so did many other people in his circle. i fear that he will be very surprised when he does get thin that people are still a***holes and he just has to mlearn to deal with them!
I wanted him to do something about his health for over the last 5/6 years. He would ask me to help him and then start arguments every time I mentioned a walk or mentioned bad eating habits that I saw, etc. I love to cook and was able to tempt him with some good dietary changes that he enjoyed but my work keeps me on the road often and when I was gone he made no effort to follow through.
When he spoke to the team at the hospital he said he had tried other diets and exercises but the last time he tried a steady, real diet was over 7 years ago!
I do care what happens to him, and maybe he knew he had no strength to live with the Band but I just wish he had been able to talk to me. I am sorry that he felt that distant from me. I would like to know that he is well and his family will let me know if I can help. But maybe you are all right, he has to do this for himself. If we can be close again it will probably be under some very different conditions. At least that is what it seems like from here.
My actions may have angered some of you but i and everyone that knows him believes that he made a choice that he has to liuve with now. That choice and the way it was made will have concequenses. One of them may be that our relationship will never be the same and may in fact be over.
I hope that those of you who are thinking about GB will be careful to be honest with your partners. They deserve it. If you want respect show it to those that have tried to see you for you. no matter what.
Please forgive me if I have touched a nerve.
I know I sound like it's about me and not my SO. That may be true to some degree. Still, I do feel that the degree of secrecy that seems to have occurred between us appears to be bordering on total distrust from him and it breaks my heart! I had no idea that he didn't think he could be honest with me until he made his decision. But I am beginning to see why as I look back over the last year.
OK, I admit that I had grave reservations about how successful he would be with RNY, and yes we had talked about it. I told him I didn't think it was good for him. Yes, I had talked to his family and we all had the same concerns. He admitted that he felt that none of us believed he could do RNY. He seemed to feel that he needed to do it to prove something to other people. We just didn't want him to die or suffer from any serious RNY complications that none of us felt he had adequately studied.
I see that it bothers some folks here when a spouse or partner talks in terms of "we" or "us", but as I have always believed, the two become one at a certain point and the decisions one makes are no longer made alone but together or else there will be real problems! This decision definitely effects both people as they try to live with these new changes together.
My partner is a fun, kind and bright man but he does still struggle with many childhood hurts that make him handle many situations in a rather adolescent manner. That has included how other treat him in his eyes.
For example he does not handle conflict with co-workers well. The criticism of any superior is always seen as a personal attack because he is "fat". Sometimes we all just have to work with a***holes, it has nothing to do with your weight. My S. O. could never see that. He had become more and more convinced that "if only he was thin" people would respect him all the time. That is simply not true. I know because I am a short, plump gal with big boobs. I make people see me, not my weight or my boobs if I possible can, and when I can't I realize that it is their problem, not mine!
I realize that after a lifetime of being large it can seem impossible to acheive that mindset but God knows I made it as clear as I could I saw him not his weight and so did many other people in his circle. i fear that he will be very surprised when he does get thin that people are still a***holes and he just has to mlearn to deal with them!
I wanted him to do something about his health for over the last 5/6 years. He would ask me to help him and then start arguments every time I mentioned a walk or mentioned bad eating habits that I saw, etc. I love to cook and was able to tempt him with some good dietary changes that he enjoyed but my work keeps me on the road often and when I was gone he made no effort to follow through.
When he spoke to the team at the hospital he said he had tried other diets and exercises but the last time he tried a steady, real diet was over 7 years ago!
I do care what happens to him, and maybe he knew he had no strength to live with the Band but I just wish he had been able to talk to me. I am sorry that he felt that distant from me. I would like to know that he is well and his family will let me know if I can help. But maybe you are all right, he has to do this for himself. If we can be close again it will probably be under some very different conditions. At least that is what it seems like from here.
My actions may have angered some of you but i and everyone that knows him believes that he made a choice that he has to liuve with now. That choice and the way it was made will have concequenses. One of them may be that our relationship will never be the same and may in fact be over.
I hope that those of you who are thinking about GB will be careful to be honest with your partners. They deserve it. If you want respect show it to those that have tried to see you for you. no matter what.
Please forgive me if I have touched a nerve.
Oh heck no, I dont think you touched a nerve, just a great debate!! I guess I have always seen weight loss surgery as a very very personal journey. Yes, when you have other people in your life to consider, you need to consult with them, but ultimately the decision is your own to make. Bottom line, I see the love you have for your partner!! I know this issue is far greater than his choice of surgery. I totally understand your sense of betrayal over his manipulative behavior. And you are correct, when you are in a relationship, you have to make decisions together. I absolutely see a difference in this post from your first one, and I totally commend you for taking responsiblty for your own actions reagrding what may have led up to this. And thank you for helping me to understand you position better.....
I am a romantic at heart. who like many, have faced devistating losses in my life. I would want to see you have the closure you deserve and never suffer with the "what-ifs" etc., You may be right, this relationship could very well be over and only you can make the determination as to what your "deal-breakers" are. There is no way I can begin to understand all the dynamics of your relationship through a message board and I am sure there is way more to this story than I can begin to imagine. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time in all of this and I am truly sorry your SO was so deciteful about the entire process. I respect you completely for loving him unconditionally, regardless of his size. Some MO people never have the luxory of being loved for who they are in the inside because people can't get passed the outside.
I wish you the best. Maybe you can consider couples counseling??? I hope you didn't feel attacked because that was not my intent. You raised a very very valid point:
"I hope that those of you who are thinking about GB will be careful to be honest with your partners. They deserve it. If you want respect show it to those that have tried to see you for you. no matter what."
I am a romantic at heart. who like many, have faced devistating losses in my life. I would want to see you have the closure you deserve and never suffer with the "what-ifs" etc., You may be right, this relationship could very well be over and only you can make the determination as to what your "deal-breakers" are. There is no way I can begin to understand all the dynamics of your relationship through a message board and I am sure there is way more to this story than I can begin to imagine. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time in all of this and I am truly sorry your SO was so deciteful about the entire process. I respect you completely for loving him unconditionally, regardless of his size. Some MO people never have the luxory of being loved for who they are in the inside because people can't get passed the outside.
I wish you the best. Maybe you can consider couples counseling??? I hope you didn't feel attacked because that was not my intent. You raised a very very valid point:
"I hope that those of you who are thinking about GB will be careful to be honest with your partners. They deserve it. If you want respect show it to those that have tried to see you for you. no matter what."
I understand how you felt....i would have been upset if my partner pulled that sh** the day of the event....you have every right to be pissed, hurt, upset, and angry.....what if your parnter did that and he died on the table.........it would have been horrible. when you are in a relationship...you are obligated to talk things over with one another period!!!!
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