Hi all LTNS

How is everyone doing??? Haven't been on in months and wanted to say hello!! I had knee surgery 4/25 and am recouperating from that, doing much better but will be having the other knee done around the end of July. Not knee replacement yet...the orthoscopic (sp?) surgery is just a cleaning, scraping, flushing out of dead cartledge etc. to try and "buy some time" to see if we can prolong having the total knee replacement for about 18-24 months. Martin and I are doing well matri-monially (not sure if thats even a word) speaking, he still hasn't come to his senses lol. I am not doing so well emotionally, having a very rough time dealing with the loss of my mom. I miss her everyday and I just can't seem to fully grasp the fact that she's gone. I know I am pushing 40 but with my dad being gone since 1983 and now mom...I know this sounds stupid but I just feel like an orphan...I love Martin with all my heart but I just feel...alone. I know-I know it sounds stupid and I feel like an idiot even putting these thoughts in black and white but I have been so down and depressed. I hate myself for it, I know I have the best thing that ever happened to me in my husband and here I am just retreating inside myself more and more. Saturday I didn't even want to get out of bed and when I did I just cried, sobbed, boo-hoo'd the majority of the day, during the week I can usually wait till he goes to work and THEN start the crying jag so he never knows. But Saturday I just couldn't and I layed in bed and sobbed all afternoon, poor Martin had no idea what was going on and I try to tell him that it isn't HIM...or our marriage...I am just having trouble. Why is it that when life gets to be to much I just have to vent to you all?? Oh well, it seems all I post anymore is this person is sick, or that person is injured, or I'm having trouble with this, or some other disaster has happened to me/us. Thats why I haven't posted in awhile, it just seems all I post about is some catastrophe that has befallen us. Anyway, love you guys and miss talking with you all. Hope all is going well with everyone and I am so sorry I haven't been around much lately. Wanette

((((((HUGS)))))))) Miss seeing you on here sweetie. Well I am glad everything is going well for your knees and Martin and your lovely marriage. Now - I totally understand about the orphan thing. I know my Mom is still here, but I know how devestated I was when I lost my Dad, I can even imagine how I will feel when its my Mom. I have told Greg several times I would feel the same way you do. Just know if you need to talk, I am here for you. I am getting ready to have my tummy tuck June 25th. I am busy around here getting the house cleaned. - UGHHHHH Well everyone have a good day.. I have to hop in the shower. Love and Hugs Julie

Hello Sweetie Don't you ever apologize for needing somewhere to vent or someone to talk to. I have missed you and I'm so sorry things are hard for you now. Trust me when I tell you this that it is normal.....I'm sure you do feel like an orphan, parents are the foundation of our family and when we lose them no matter how old we are it makes you feel empty and lost. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve the best way for you. While you are doing that try to celebrate the life of your Mom through wonderful memories that is what I've had to do with My Dad. It doesn't always work sometimes we just need to be able to cry and give yourself that time to do so. I have had my knees replaced in fact the left one 3 times (had a few difficulties) so hold on as long as you can before having that done you are so young. They finally agreed to do mine at 48 because I didn't have any quality of life. I'm sending you a big hug and will keep you in my prayers that soon some of your pain will subside and that God will give you peace in your heart. Barb

You are not an idiot for feeling alone despite having Martin. But you DO need to talk to him about it -- even if he can't help per se. I don't know if you have considered, but I think you need to think about some antidepressants. I know you are probably thinking "That won't help -- what I need is my mom". But that is the thing with being so depressed, you cant' imagine ANYTHING will help -- because it almost feels "right" to feel that way. Antidepressants will help you gain some "control" over your grief. I really really wish I could say something to help you cope with losing your mom. I think about you all the time, knowing it must be hard for you. I just don't have any good advice. The first anniversary of my dad's death is this thursday... and I cant' believe it. Like you, I can't believe he is gone. I feel like I have just taken too long to go see him, or have been neglectful and not called. The fact he is not here to go see... I can't wrap my brain around it. I just can't. I will tell you these things just because it may help to know you are not alone. That what you are feeling is not abnormal. But almost everyday I feel like standing in the middle of a room -- or supermarket -- or wherever and screaming "I WANT MY DAD!!!!!" I just want to DEMAND him back. I want to scream it until my wish is granted. I can't take his number out of my cellphone. I can't take his email address out of my address book. And almost anytime I do a "mass" mailing with baby Daniel stuff the back of my mind thinks "Why in the world haven't I sent dad something like this in a while....?" Almost everyday there is a time when I think "Oh, well I will just ask dad about...." I mean.... it just can't be true. He can't really be GONE... where I can't even TALK to him.... can he? How can it be possible??? Over and over and over I rethink the last time I saw him... and then the phone call the next morning. And a thousand other things from those last days. Like how just 3 days earlier he had called me because he was finding the whole Paris Hilton thing so amusing. He just had to call when she was being dragged back to jail and crying "mommy." I think the only thing that keeps me from being where you are -- crying and retreating wise -- is antidepressants -- along with baby Daniel and hubby and such. I knew I would have to increase them... so a couple weeks after I called my doctor and had the dosage increased. AND... I admit, denial. I've also never been one to cry alot. I have no idea if that is "helpful" or not. Anyway.... .... I don't know what more to say other than you are not silly, an idiot, weird, or anything else for feeling what you are feeling. But even though it wont' bring your mom back, and you will not for a second stop missing her, I think you should consider getting some antidepressants. They will help you function without "numbing" you. (If you get some and feel "numb" then it is the wrong pill for you -- or the dosage is wrong... because the right medicine will make you feel like YOU -- with ups and downs and such that are in preportion.) I am sending you many hugs. I wish I could do more than that. .

Very beautifully said.....I felt that really from the heart and I hope it helped you too....are you doing anything on Thur for your dad? I think of you and Kathy often and hope you are holding up....I am convinced your dad is your angel and blessing you with your next baby..... BTW, are you on anti-depressants...I have always fought against it but have thought more and more about it on occasion. Can you even take with your pregancy? Thanks again for sharing....you said it all very beautifully! Annie

I think I might take a Father's Day card to the cemetary. Last year on Father's Day was his wake.. so it kinda feels like a double meaning now. And I am trying to talk my mother and sister into going to dinner or such. Just because I think my dad would want us to be together. He really loved to see family pulling together. It gave him great comfort. I have been on antidepressants pretty steadily for about 15 years now. I won't go into it all in this thread... but they quite literally changed my life. I suddenly felt like "me". And I had never felt anything but kinda forlorn before. I now realize I had basically been depressed my whole life... all through childhood and into adulthood. I am still on antidepressants now... but we had to change them due to the pregnancy. The kind I am normally on is not safe once you reach 3rd trimester.

That is a great idea on the card to the cemetary.....and for sure on the dinner thing....my dad and mom are the same way (although divorced) about gettng family together...I think that is an awesome idea......very awesome....I wish I could see my daddy this weekend....btw, I need to still go get him something and get in in the mail...likely by tomorrow...or order something online tonight which is not a bad idea either I will get to see my dad in August for my brother's wedding....and I get to see my mom next month when I go to Cleveland for a conference with her and my aunt and cousin and then finish going through my grandma's things (she passed away about three years ago in July)..... Interesting on the anti-depressants....what kind are you on out of curiousity? If you don't mind...Nate and I just had a chat about this topic after I posted last.....both of us like to resist it but may learn more......

What is best for me is usually Effexor XR. What I am on during pregnancy is Zoloft. Anti-depressants are, I think, a natural thing for people to resist. It almost seems like a "failure" to have to take them. But my point of view is: depression is usually just a lack of correct chemicals in the brain. If a similar problem was causing seizures, you'd take the meds, right? It can also be hard to know when is the right time to take them is. Sometimes you really need to be evaluated by a doctor you trust. They might just advice excersize or such to see if the natural endorphine release helps at all. But since it is obviously (in some people) also a chemical problem (often inherited) sometimes that won't solve anything.

Hey sweetie I had been thinking about you... things here are hectic, Spark is having surgery on the 28, Nasir is deploying again in October , Amir might be deploying in September - we'll know more after he's done with jump school, Rez has to have his tonsils out and we got a scare yesterday, his liver enzyme levels are way to high.. he's being sent to a specialist for further testing, so prayers are welcomed! I'm doing ok other than my nerves being a wreck... zanax is my friend I haven't lost a parent but I know when the time comes it will be devistating.. remember we all heal in our own time.... I hope you feel better soon.. Debby

Why should healing emotionally be any diferent than healing phsyically? Is there a timeframe? HEY YOU'RE NOT BETTER YET? WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG!!! Maybe you should soak your heart in Hydrogyn Peroxide? Seems to help cuts! Now does that make sense? Nope! So, matters of the heart have their own way of healing and take their sweet time. Cry baby Cry. Just make sure Martin knows he can't fix it and all he has to do is be there. Us guys get a little weird when our women are in any type of pain emotionally or physical. I knwo i drive Deb nuts when I think there's something wrong with her. Be patient with him and remember he is there for ya. So are we for that matter darlin. Just remember your plate has been pretty darn full the last 4 years that I know of at least. Maybe, Just Maybe it's all catching up to ya and you need to mourne more than just your Mom? You're a strong woman and Martin loves almost as much as I love Deb and he'll wait and be there. Miss ya sweets! Sparky P.S. Maybe ya need a vacation? I email Martin a few days ago and extended an evite so anytime Deb and i would love to have you two out here! Even if just for a 3 day weekend! Hugs, Sparky