Men and their gadgets...this is hysterical!!

This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle...then find > yourself > laughing out loud. > > Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. > > A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary > submitted this. > > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my > interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a > little something extra for my wife Julie. > > What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The > effects > of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse > affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to > safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! > > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two > AAA > batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was > disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed > it > against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of > electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! > Unfortunately, I have yet to ! explain to Julie what that burn spot is on > the face of her microwave. > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it > couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I > sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little > soul) > while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to > try > this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought > about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of > it. > She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife > to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it > would > work as advertised. Am I wrong? > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and > taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock > and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause > muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst > would > purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of > water. > Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. > > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, > less than 3/4 in*****ircumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with > two > itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" > > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... > > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one > side > as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from > such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give > myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my > naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF > MASS DESTRUCTION! > > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up > in > the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and > over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, > with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles > no > where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest > position, and tingling in my legs. > > The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard > before, > licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do > it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug " yourself with a > taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst > when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is > dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A > three-second burst would be considered conservative!!! SON-OF-A-... That > hurt like **% !!! > > A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at > that > point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed > the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the > fireplace. > How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were > still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and > my > bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm > offering > a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock! > > P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! > > "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid." >

Well all I can say is he should have talked his wife into zapping him. Then he could have blamed her for the rest of his life! Plus she probably would have enjoyed it.