what do I do?

I need some feed back because I am really torn about how to handle this problem. I told the father of alien (aka my baby) that I was pregnant when I first found out...his response was to demand I prove it to him as he thought I might be mistaken or even lying to him about it. Initially this response didn't upset me too much but then he accused me of dating him to get or getting pregnant on purpose. I told him that I had not yet gone to a doctor, which he said added to his belief that I might be lying. That was the last time we spoke, he did email me twice asking for me to prove it and saying that he didn't believe I hadn't been to the doctor and that if that was so then I must not be as smart as he thought I was...or I was lying about being pregnant...the last email came about two days before my 1st doctors appointment. I never responded to his messages and have not contacted him or sent him proof. So my dilemma...I am pretty sure he figures I was either mistaken or lying to him because I did not prove it to him...so do I call or email him or what [he no longer lives at the address he did when I met him and I don't have a new address and the only email I have for him is a school one and he just graduated]...part of me says no I don't need him and don't want to share my baby with him and his family...the other part of me thinks that I am being selfish, maybe depriving my child of that family connection. My sister, her husband, and my father all say that I don't owe him anything and that if he chooses not to contact me it is his loss... Is not contacting him to say look I am pregnant and I am not going to prove it to you...you just have to accept or reject on your own...the same as if I had never even told him? [oh and I know he leaves for a month long vacation in France on the 27th or 28th...so the question of when do I call him comes up too] Oh yeah....I hope every one has a Very Merry Christmas

Wow... this whole situation kinda sucks... I am sorry you are having to deal with this at all, let alone this time of year... My initial reaction, i.e. gut feeling, tells me that I would not want someone that immature and uncaring in mine or my baby's life at all... all I see is problems in the future... I am going to think about this more ... but wanted you to know my initial reaction, since those tend to be the most honest and accurate ones... Merry Christmas to you too

Hi Lisa....I am just a lurker....for many reasons but wanted to tell you my story. I have a sweet little 2 year old and his dad didn't believe me either. He saw my son first when Jackson was 2 months old and fell in love with him but still wanted proof. Before we could get proof, my sons dad passed away suddenly from a major stroke. So here I sit with and absolutely fabulous son with no father and no social security to help me raise him due to the fact that i never got proof. I would get proof, and a DNA test just so your child is protected if anything should happen to him. The day Jacksons dad died, I was in court getting a court order and when I got to the hospital it was to late, he had died in the middle of the night and was already on his way to Illinois.

Hey Lisa, I am sure that his "prove it" attitude is nothing but "I can't believe this happened to "me" this is not suppose to "me" " He is thinking about himself right now and I am sure he is just as scared as what you are of the future and the unknown. But I am with Jess on this one.... you gotta do this for the child get what the child has coming to him and when you are able to do a paternity test then you can give him the most accurate truth but until then he is going to have to take your word on this one. Not only that if you give him all the information in a non-attacking way then you have done your part to keep him informed so what he chooses to do with it will determine what kind of man he TRUELY is. I would send him the information and hope that he left a forward address. Keep copies of everything you send and all conversations you have with him about the child, that way you have protected yourself and the child. Good luck with this Lisa. I hope that you to have a very Merry Christmas and an awesome 2008!!!

Lisa email him with your due date, tell him when the baby is born you'll submit to DNA testing, at that time he can decide if he wants to be in the babies life or not... I can understand his reaction, and I can't blame him on some level, I am sure he was totally taken off guard. Even though he has graduated they usually keep the emails active for 1 year.. so email him.. Good luck and Merry Christmas

I just wanted to add a note...I am considering every response I have gotten and will get...I just wanted to say that for me financial support is not really a part of this decision. I know that sounds strange but I am not worried about that...what I am torn about is what if I am depriving my child by not talking to him. I have already told him that if he wants he can sign away his rights and I would not seek child support...I am not planing to seek child support if I don't hear from him again. In one of his emails he told me that he would consider giving me sole "possession" of the child if I proved I was pregnant to him (his words not mine). I don't think, though I could be wrong, that he will doubt the paternity if I prove the pregnancy to him...I almost don't want to find out if he would because that would make me feel that he knew/understood me even less than I thought.

Well I think if ya don't want any financial help from him and he is thinking about giving you soul custody then I would just call it a blessing and raise you child. I gotta tell ya from where I stand young kids are totally in need of their Mom and not the dads so much. Others may dissagree with me but that's the way I see it. Kids do need their Dad a lot more in the later years. So there's a darn good chance the Baby will have a Dad by then. Tough decision no matter ya look at it. Good Luck hun. Oh and thanks for the Christmas card! It was great! Merry Christmas, SParky

Lisa, I can completely understand not wanting to have someone in your child's life who has the attitude this guy has taken and I don't know him but your child needs and deserves to know who is bio father is. I realize that the idea of sharing your child with the father and his family is hard but your baby is not a piece of property. He or she is a little person who needs to know both of his/her parents. I know you can't force this guy to be in your child's life but you both have a responsibility to help support this child and while right now the financial aspects aren't a concern, they could be at some point. It is also important from both a legal and medical standpoint that paternity at least be established. I think that down the line, when your child is old enough and asking questions about his/her father and who he is you'll feel better knowing you made very attempt to include this guy in his child's life rather than cut him out. He sounds scared and yes maybe even angry but perhaps that anger isn't really directed at you so much as just a projection of his anger at himself. I'm sure this is not what he had planned and some people don't deal with change very well. His "attitude" may be just a reaction to the situation he's put himself in and not really about the baby itself. I would make every attempt to contact him and tell him that although you cannot PROVE that the child is his at this moment that you had not been with anyone else prior to sleeping with him and that you would like DNA testing done to prove conclusively that he is the father if for no other reason than to put his name on the birth certificate. If he refuses, you can always take him to court after the child is born to have him submit to a test. If he truly, wants nothing to do with the child and wishes to give up his rights, then it is probably best to have this done legally so that he can't come back later demanding visitation and/or custody. You probably already know that having been in law school. I hope the very best for you and your little one. I know how hard it must be to consider letting someone who has been so unsupportive be a part of something you see as wonderful but I think you'll be glad you took the proper steps to ensure the best for your child even if it wasn't the easiest or best scenario for you. Merry Christmas to you, Melanie

Thank you for your response, you made a lot of good points. I didn't mean to sound like I am thinking of the baby as property. I is just that I look at some of my friends who are divorced or not married to the other parent and they have to split holidays, and I know in my heart it is selfish that I don't want to have to do that, to be apart from my baby. The one thing I do know is that if/when I talk to him about the baby again I will not be the one to demand or suggest a paternity test. If he chooses to believe that there is some way the baby is not his then that is all on him, if he ask for a test I will do one at his expense. Part of me can understand how he had trouble believing I was pregnant or was shocked by it, though I don't believe it excuses his the ugly things he said, I would not be able to understand a denial or questioning of paternity. I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas.

Lisa, just please be careful to consider the legal implications. As Mel says, if he doesn't want to be the father, make it legal. You don't want him to come back demanding paternity tests 10 years from now.