Your partners past . . .

How far back can you go in your partners past before something can upset you? If you have been dating a year and something happened when you were dating two months and you just found out about it can you be mad? If you have been dating more than a year how far back can you go? Do I make any sense

Yeah, what did Dan do to tick you off? When you get to a certain age there is rarely a couple that doesn't have something in their past that they wish wasn't there. I am not Dear Abby so I will not give me two cents however there are certain matters that should be discussed to ensure the foundation of mutual trust is solid and sound. Ron

His past before I met him is exactly that, his past. I have a past too, not something I may be proud of but it is still my past. I found out about something that happened about two or three months into our relationship and I am pissed about that. I will not go into what I found out and it is not really relevant to life now but I am still mad. My one friend that I have told said that I have no right being mad because it happened almost a year ago and it is not an issue anymore. He did not cheat on me or anything but I am still not happy about what did happen.

Nancy, There isn't a relationship one that would last without forgiveness blended in. That being stated some things are easier to forgive than others. Regardless, once your emotions settle a bit you have to discuss whatever it is on your mind with Dan and the two of you have to work it out. Good relationships are like gardens, if constantly tended then a good crop results. If not, the weeds grow and kill the garden plants. Ron

You can really only hold it against them if they were dating you at the time good thing too or I would be in trouble It really depends on what it what and how important it is to you

What if you were dating when it happened but it happened a long time ago and you just found out?

I *personally* don't think there is one straight answer.. obviously you can go back as far as you want.. cuz this happened almost a year ago and you ARE mad.. so the answer.. as far back as something upsets YOU. you can be mad.. but then ask yourself if it's worth it.. is it worth discussing.. forgiving and going on *for real.. don't hold over his head always* or should you just call it quits. .. Has all the good stuff been pushed out the door for this one *bad thing* that you discovered (or did he tell you..) ?? You know that there will be *other things* that will happen again that will **** you off.. so a good foundation on how to handle these situations is good... and having people to *bounce ideas* off (support) is good.. and learn to look within yourself to realize that you are not perfect and will make mistakes also is good.. I guess being mad is an emotion.. and is healthy... but learning to deal with the anger and moving on is healthier rather with or without Dan. I *myself* am trying to learn all that I type.. it's a rough process and much easier to say/type.. but there are a few steps that are getting me thru it. One of the readings Dan and I did today was regarding PRIDE.. it sounds like pride is the root of most all our evil.. it said usually when we are mad and angry we can go back to find that our own PRIDE was the cause of it. I don't know what action (your) Dan did and it IS irrelevant.. but whatever it was.. is he SORRY for it and asked your forgiveness.

It all depends what is it. I expect a pm explaining yourself young lady. It is okay to be upset but talk to him about it

I've been bad about this before, myself. I can kind of understand. I guess I would ask myself this question: Did he LIE to me about this either straight forward lying or lying by ommission. If this was something that I had said I would not like or my partner knew I would not like and he did it anyway, I might tend to hold a bit of a grudge, but that's me. You have a lot invested here, so think slowly and clearly. Your ability to forgive could severely risk your relationship. I think the only question I would ask you is, did he bring this up and ask for forgiveness, first or did you find out about it from someone else, confront him, and then he asked for forgiveness? Or did he even ask for forgiveness? Did he feel badly for doing it (or whatever it was) while you were early in your relationship? Ok, more than one question. If it was a huge life changing thing, I could probably be angry about it. But, then again, I'm the one who gave up my love because of something really kind of silly (now) and I now just don't care about dating or love. You do... Liz

amount of time should not matter. what should matter is if you trust your partner and believe they act in a way that's in the best interest of you both as a couple. Love isn't about resentment and grudges. It's about forgiveness and support. But that has to work both ways, you don't want to be in denial and support something unhealthy. Focus on your present. The past might be an indicator but if it doesn't directly reflect on the present it's only what it is... the past.