Very down....

I'm so freaking blue the past few days and it's hard to keep remembering how good i actually have it. i'm just at my wits end. It seems like so much in my life is a contradiction. I'm so lucky and yet i have so many hardships. it's soooo confusing.

Hey Jay, Sorry you're feeling so down....I can certainly relate. But something I'm slowly coming to realize is that feeling down has no relation to the good things that are happening in life. Just because there are so many wonderful things happening doesn't mean you don't have the right to be down. It doesn't mean you should feel guilty for being down. We all experience periods of being down....some more than others and some need more help than others to get out of it (myself being one that has needed help). Just know that you're NOT alone. Chris

thanks Chris. I don't feel guilty for feeling down... just for having so many reasons to feel down when the people around me should know how happy and grateful i am for the good things in my life. I really have had a tough week...I think i'm getting thrown out of massage therapy school! I have been busting my butt and doing the best i can but i just don't seem to have the strength and I was crucified last thursday when i spent the whole night working with three instructors including the Dr. and no one could correct my form or figure out what my problems were. Then after all that effort my neck has hurt so badly ever since, it's just starting to loosen up a little today. Meanwhile the doc says they are cutting people from class who he thinks are just not capable of completing the class. I have a message from him on my phone today but have not been able to reach him back to find out what it's about and i'm shaking. Also yesterday i found out i'm going deaf. They said it's going to get worse and worse but that a hearing aid could slow down the process. I can't afford a decent hearing aid though. I have to go for another opinion because maybe they're just piling it on to try to sell me the expensive hearing aids but i just don't know. Pain level... through the roof lately. BUT... i have a family that loves me, i function really well for someone with my disabilities, i fix things around the house, help out all the time with the chores and bring home my share of the finances. We have a lot of fun most of the time and we have been making new friends. So really i should be in a good place... but it's hard. And it's even harder not wanting to drown my feelings with food. I'm so tempted to get a donut or something right now (i won't, but i'm tempted!).

after you explained your reason for being "down" I think you have valid reasons.. but they too shall pass.. if you are removed from the class, perhaps with your disabilities it is for the best. You wouldn't want to be placed into a position that is going to cause you more strain/pain on your back.. neck. I know that it sucks majorily tho.. not following thru on something you were really wanting tho. I thought too when I was fired from being a Systems Programmer.. I really wanted it.. but just did not have the mind set for being a Systems Analyst.. but that too passed and I'm happy in the job I'm at now.. yes I would have loved the money of the other position.. but not the stress level of the job.. *as I mentioned to Sparkie in a previous post*. Also with the hearing.. *I can relate*.. I've been told a few years ago.. that I need a hearing aide.. just ask poppa.. I'm ALWAYS saying Huh?? It's nerve damage.. no surgery will fix it.. slowly losing my hearing.. runs in the family. My mom just a year or two ago.. FINALLY got her hearing aide and loves it.. I'm still battling this thought. But it's life.. no control over it.. I can battle all I want.. or deal with the hand I have.. and so will you. We have no alternative. Keep counting the blessings.. the reason Annie started the Gratitude Post. There will always be things that bring us down.. share them.. let othes help support us.. it helps being supported.. loved and cared for. I know I love it when I receive it.. and I sure love giving it!! hang in there my friend

dude.....hit this.... For real tho, you just got married, life is shuffling right along, it'll all slow down and then your contradictions won't seem so confusing. *wink* ps-5 more games.

Good morning, Jay I am sorry you are not feeling so good. I wonder if it might be the post-nuptial blues. (I don't know if thats an actual term or not) You spend so much time and energy planning the big event (the wedding), and then the big day comes and goes....and there is no more planning, no more big event. It is similar to post-partum blues. A woman spends 9 months planning and then the baby comes and there is no big event to look forward to anymore.... Anywho, whatever it is, I hope that it passes soon. Hugs, Jen

I felt the same way when I came home from the hospital three weeks ago. I felt depressed and kind of vulnerable. I didn't want to talk to or see anybody, I even had a hell of a time sleeping. Anyway, I have no real advice to give you Jay, but the thing that helped get me through it was my acknowledging, daily, all of the things I have to be thankful for. I hope you feel better soon, it'll happen. T

Boy oh boy, can I relate. I too am having challenges in school and at work. Sometimes it feels like I have to fight like heck, put in 20 hour days and give whatever is left to Cathy and that bothers me. I know right now we speak an awful lot about next year when she is finished with clinicals and I with my college work. In addition there are additional expenses we are dealing with right now that will go away in the next 12 months. It just gets tiring fighting the fight all the time and it doesn't magically evaporate just because good things are happening as well. Sometimes I just have to escape, i.e. take a drive, read a book or simply shut down life for an hour or 2 for some ME time. Doesn't always work but sometimes it does. Just don't shut Mel out. I am sure she wants to be there for you and you need her right now. Remember, it is the hard times that make the good times so sweet. Tie a knot at the end of your rope and hang on, Ron

Don't worry Ron, Jay is very good at verbalizing his feelings but sometimes doens't know when to stop beating himself up and realize that things sometimes happen that it doesn't mean we did anything wrong, it is just sometimes the roll of the dice. We've been struggling a bit with some family issues; Dakota having some stomach problems (he is being scoped next week), teenage issues related to school and grades, fertility issues for me, and inadequate healthcare coverage at my job. And now this so it just feels like one more thing gone wrong. BUT... I am an eternal optimist and truly beleive that things happen for reason. It's just frustrating when we don't know what that reason is when it happens. Thanks for asking about us by the way. Hugs to both you and Sas and an extra hugs to you Ron for the loss of your cousin. Mel

I can relate also I have been feeling really down also I do not know if it is the change in weather or beating up myself for not studing enough on the material at school. I doubt myself on alot of issues I am the type of person who can not make a decision and stick to it. I hope that things look up for you really soon. You are not alone in your struggles. Tricia