Do you have to thin to be loved?

My friends boyfriend asked me how my husband was going to feel about me being 150 lbs. and he said he bets he's going to love you. With that said here is my question. Why is it people feel the need to say such things? Why is it Jason should love me more just because I will be thinner? I am post-op and so I don't know what it is like to 150lbs maybe when I was 11-12 years old. I did talk to my husband about this and his reply was that my friends boyfrind was just a jerk and he has no idea what our relationship is like and not to worry about it. Has anyone ever went through this before and if so how did you handle the situaion? Thank you, Tanya

I understand what you are saying. I am married to an average weight man that happens to be good looking. He gets comments like he is a saint or something for marrying me. I don't really know what kind of comments he gets but most people are very surprised when they see a picture of the 2 of us. One person said "wow, I never though of you as that open minded....I thought you would have a trophy wife" People can be so stupid sometimes. He just ignores them and doesn't tell me about these comments anymore...I guess he figured it hurt my feelings. Also, when people see pictures of us together they are always so shocked and tell me oh he is cute in a tone that is like they are surpised that I can get someone cute!!! I hope after surgery and losing weight that I won't be so stupid about these type of things. Rachel

Actually . . . it can be a detriment. My husband has always been big so, when I decided to do the WLS, he was totally against it. I tried to show him all the benefits but he refused to see it. All he could talk about is the money and how I could just go on yet another diet if I was serious about losing weight. Well, I did it anyway because my health was failing and I saw it as the only way I was going to make the changes needed to save my life. For the first time in 25 years, I did what I wanted over what he wanted. Now, I barely have a marriage. Two years+ post-op, I have lost 155 lb and only weigh 132 lb. I wear a size 6 instead of 30. Yet, I can count on one hand the luke-warm compliments I have begged [yes, BEGGED] from him. He never wants to take me out or show me off. He NEVER mentions that I have done anything to improve myself at all. He isn't complimentary or supportive. He isn't kind or considerate of either my diet or exercise plans. If I have a bad day, he points out that it is MY problem, not his. In a hundred little ways, he puts up stumbling blocks for me to navigate - bowls of candy, sudden stops at Dairy Queen, etc. If you had told me that he would react this way, I would NEVER have believed it. My best advise to ANYONE having WLS is to talk, talk, talk to your significant other. You may even want to consider counselling as a couple. If you change and they don't -- it is very destablizing to the relationship. I miss the man I thought I married. I really do.

Well, I'm going to cut the guy some slack. People in general are ignorant, and they don't know how to react to WLS. He was trying to offer a compliment in some weird way, and completely failed to show class. Sounds like your SO already has the right attitude! You're feeling the pain of the comment. Focus on the love and support you're getting from your SO!

I think people get really caught up in thinking their SO somehow reflects on who *they* are, and if they are defining their worth on what society says is "attractive" (ie, "thin" - at least at this time..), then it's a threat to their supposed 'worth'. How hurtful to hear that the love from one's SO may change suddenly due to weight loss or gain. It's a shallow state to be in, and probably painful (whether conscious or not) for both parties.. but the emotional and social burden on the WLS person must be high. I really appreciate what the other post said.. about talk, talk, talking to your SO! More important than what some insensitive person says is what kind of dialogue you and your SO are having. In some ways, our bodies are like our homes, and so when a SO draws you into their experience OR alienates you, it is like a welcome sign or a locked door to their personal 'home'. I think this kind of reaction speaks more to the SO's ability to be in a supportive, honest relationship than it does to the weight, surgery, diets, etc. Best of luck in communicating and loving each other to all of you!