Need support or a slap in the face

Hey everyone,

I need a place to vent where people will understand me. I haven't been on this site for a long time but now I feel a need to come back. I had my RNY in may 2009. I weight 340 lbs and was 23 years old . I manage to get down to 165lbs. God was I HOT at 165lbs. I had a J.LO, kim kardashian figure figure. Nice curves a nice ass but I had all the skin hanging at my stomach and arms, boobs were sagging, but with a good pair of spanx/body wrap and bra, you couldn't see it. I was wearing a size 10 pants and small to medium top. I could shop everywhere and I did. I went nuts for close. I even wore a bikini one time at the beach. I had guys look at me in a way they never did. I felt so proud of my self. I come from a small town of 5000 people. I was the first one in my town to get the surgery. Now I think every person who is over weight is getting the surgery and I am jealous. I am jealous that they are loosing the weight when I have gained. 

I now weight 214-218 lbs. I hate it. I told my self I would never go back in the 200 but here I am. When I first started gaining it was just 5lbs, then 10, 15 etc.  But I could still squeeze into my size 10, 12.  I spend a few years weighing 180-185lbs, but the last year and a half I jump to 214-218lbs. I'm now back in a a size 18-20 and can't shop anywhere and hate shopping again. All my skinny close is in a bin. This year is my 30th birthday and I am fat again. 

The people in my town getting the surgery look at me and sometimes I just want to scream at them. 

I know gaining the weight is my fault. I snack/graze always. Extra calories. Believe it or not I still dump after 7 years.  I have tried to lose the weight, going back to basics, eating my protein first but I quit after 2-3 days. I can't seem to follow anything. Some days I will starve myself hoping to loose weight, other time I can eat a horse. Tried to start walking again, I use to walk 5 miles a day. I will do it 2-3 times, get discourage and quit. Tried the 5 day pouch test did 2 days of it and quit. I quit at every attempt I try. I even took some carncinia gambodia, raspberry ketone etc, I quit at that too. I am now trying alli, will probably quit that too in 2-3 days. Why do I quit everything I try?

I am failing so bad, does anybody else feel the same way I do.

I need support and can't get it anywhere :( .

Thanx for reading me venting.

Angie

I could have written this myself. I gained 70+ lbs and was fat and miserable. Life in all areas sucked and I honestly didn't care if I lived or died. 

Fortunately, I came to believe that I suffer from a disease of the body and mind and that there was a solution through Overeaters Anonymous. I have lost almost 40lbs of my regain and my entire life has gotten 100X better. Yeah, I still struggle mentally from time to time but nothing like I was. I follow a very strict good plan where I stay abstinent from all added sugars and flour and several personal binge foods - but outside of those things, I can eat whatever I want as long as I plan ahead. I always always always plan my food the night before, commit it to a sponsor, and stick to it. It doesn't feel like diet mentality to me like I felt when I originally lost then weight. I no longer weigh and track obsessively (for me that keeps the obsession going but some people need to do it). 

Please send me a message if you need support and want to chat. I've been where you are at and get it. 

I am 100% where you are.  I initially lost 120lbs, and have gained back about 30. I now hover around 280-290lbs. I know 90lbs of weight loss is still a lot BUT my goal weight is 185lbs.  I feel like I have failed myself in such a huge way.  Although I do feel more comfortable I just feel guilty when I eat and I don't enjoy shopping like I did before.  I hope that you find something that keeps you motivated and gives you the boost of confidence in yourself that you deserve.   It's a long journey, up and down, and nobody is perfect.

I was literally about to write this exact post. I lost 100 had two little girls went through a serious depression & gained 70 back. I hate myself. Everytime I walk past the mirror I immediately think of killing myself but I have my kids so I have to be here for them.  Just be happy your still alive. 

Please go get help, either with a therapist or call someone & talk it out. Thoughts can turn into actions pretty quickly.

Really look into therapy or a support group. Something is making you quit every time you start something & getting to the root of that will help. You've lost the weight b4 & I think you can do it again, but mentally you have to dig in & dig deep.

Your story is my story... I returned to this post today because I have gain 50lbs over my comfortable weight of 170. I have tired many times and find myself giving up. I have not giving up trying but each time I dont last long... and I gain more weight. I recently suffered from a re-occurring infection and determined that it was the sugar and carbs contributing to my infections. So I am going to attempt removing all added sugar and reduce carbs. Hopefully I will be able to work on both issues. Weight gain and infection... 

I wish you peace and send you support... don't quit trying even after you've quit.

Sharon

This could be my story too.  my pre-surgery weight was between 375 and 400lbs, lowest weight was 155, ideal weight is 175.  I was there for years, even through 2 pregnancies.  I even left the hospital weighing 175lbs.  Then, I got sick.  Back pain started while I was pregnant, and my youngest is 8 years old now, and the pain is still there and worse.  I also have hip pain, 2 knee surgeries that went great 3 years ago, but now are starting to act up again.  I also was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. 

In 2006, the place my hubby worked exploded, literally, and a year later he was diagnosed with PTSD.  He was unable to work for over 5 years.  During this time, we moved in with my grandmother, because we couldn't afford to live on our own, and she needed help.  I helped for about 8 months before her verbal abuse got to me (she had bad dementia)  then spent 3 years in bed.  Between the depression (which I swore I didn't have) and the pain, I was a mess. 

Then the unthinkable happened.  My son (who I had before GB surgery) did something horrible, and has been in foster care since.  I was numb and depressed and a lot of other things.  Finally, my hubby had enough.  He threatened to divorce me and take the girls away, and I knew he could do given the condition I was in.  He was just so frustrated with me at the time, and I can't blame him.  My depression was HORRIBLE!!! My anxiety was getting bad again, and my pain was through the roof.

My son's social worker was a god send.  Not only has my son changed in the past 3 years, so have we all.  My hubby is working full time now (well, he's on workmen's comp now due to shoulder injury, but he is still working) I'm out of bed, in therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, and trying to generally take care of myself.  My daughters are happier, my oldest daughter is also in therapy and on meds for certain things, and is doing so much better.  My son is going to live with my mom in June and is doing great too. 

I'm in school (online) for Medical Transcription and Billing and Coding because my body won't let me work a regular job anymore, and I can do this from home.  My meds for depression are finally helping, I have a great therapist, and I'm starting to get my life together again.  Now, it's time for my body to get better. 

I had an appointment with my regular doc today, he wants me to see a surgeon.  I called my insurance company, and they will cover the fistula repair if it is causing pain (my GERD is so bad it's traveling up into my sinuses and causing massive pain, not to mention my stomach pain) I see the surgeon next week wednesday.

Next on my list is my Pain Management appointment on Friday.  I told my hubby last night I'm tired of feeling ashamed and guilty that the meds they have me on aren't working very well.  I'm tired of feeling like an addict because of it.  I run out early most months, because I need more than they give me.  It's time for me to take control, and that started today with my regular doc.  If this surgeon won't fix it, I will find one who will.  I refuse to live in this much pain anymore.  I can't. 

I've tried most of this before, and like you, quit every time.  But I just can't take it anymore.  I'm at the end of my rope.  I think my mood being better has helped this a lot.  I'm more confident, I've done TONS of research on malabsorption issues and medications, and WLS in general.  I'm prepared, and will prepare more before my appt on friday and next wednesday.  I want, no I NEED to change things.  I need to stop feeling guilty over things that I have no control of, and start being proactive with things I can control. 

So this is me.  I'm still stuggling with the follow through on a lot of things, like I should be done with the transcription part of school, but I'm almost afraid to finish.  I've got a 4.0 so far, and I think I'm scared of failing to actually find a job.  But this is something I'm working on with my therapist and my shrink. 

I guess what I'm saying, is I know what you are dealing with.  The quitting when I don't see immediate results.  Even if after a month I don't see results I will still quit.  I think the big difference for me has been the support I'm getting from my family.  I feel their pride instead of their disapointment, and I want to keep it that way.  In order to do that, it's time to take charge of my life and my choices, and stop making excuses....I think I'm my own worst enemy most times. (I'm talking about me, I don't want you to think I'm critisizing you, because I am totally not, just trying to let you know where I'm coming from.  I'm totally afraid that I'm gonna go back on this too if something doesn't go the way I want it to.)

Good luck to you hon, feel free to talk to me if you want. Stay strong!

Melissa

1200-1400 calories a day and 30 mins of movement, walk, jog, play, move fast - keep it simple to get back on track. 

I know how hard it is, I cried for days when I got on the scale and that ***** was on the other side of my goal! But we can stick our heads in the sand and keep watching the scale go up and up (and at the same time our confidence and motivation goes down). 

Make yourself the priority again - and put a pair of those skinny pants on display along with you're scale to keep it right in front all the time! 

Hi guys, well overall I did not do so good on the RYN , I lost maybe 60 pounds. I started at 260 and went down to 197, I am now 215 less than 2 years out. My doctor told me since I did not have much to lose, 60 pounds was not bad, However I am still overweight. I believe that pica played a huge role for not losing as much weight as alot of ppl, I am addicted to cornstarch and have been since surgery. I would eat maybe a box every three days depending on my stress level. I have now made a conscious effect to get back on track, I have been working out again, my 3rd day and counting my cals with the 21 day fix plan. I'm trying to stay in 1200 cal range and so far I am doing good, well I will let you guys know in 30 days.