New year, Pneumonia, & 120 lbs are back
I don't know how to start. I now weigh 235 pounds...again. Its 9:42 and I'm in bed typing. I'm back to my pres-surgery weight. I don't like vegetables, am carb addicted, and lazy. I'm currently home for a couple more days getting over what began as an asthma attack and has now developed into pneumonia. I've had a gym membership since May that I've used about 10 times...max. You would ask yourself what more motivation could I need than to see myself in the mirror, try to go shopping, my health or my two sons? I don't know why it isn't enough. Being here at home I realize that I have TOO much of everything. I have made it my unconscious goal to make sure I have more than enough of everything now... food, clothes, school supplies, yarn... you name it, if I was interested in it, I've got it... don't get me started on kitchen stuff... so what next? I'm not happy, not like this... No one knows I've had GBP except 6 other people... its shameful...
I'm so sorry for everything you're going thru. I know I have problems with addiction and have started seeing a therapist.
is that something you could try? I understand the impulse to want more, and know what a battle it is to fight it.
i feel for you and hope you find the path that will make you happy.
Until you get your mind right it's going to be very hard to get all of the other puzzle pieces of your life to fit where they need to go.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time & do it for YOU, not for your 2 sons, it has to be because you want it. I believe you can get there. The first step is recognizing there's a problem. You're stronger than a lot of people because you've already done that, you know what you're doing wrong & it sounds to me like you want to change that. Most people would just avoid the issue & put it on the back burner but you didn't.
I'm no professional but if you really want to change your ways then the best way to do it is to ask for help. Maybe a therapist? Or maybe even going back to where you had your WLS & see if there's someone there you can talk to??
Good Luck to you. You can do this, I know it. Do it for you!!!
XO,
Hilary
You are not alone. I weighed 295 as a teen, and lost to 108, gained to 395 as an adult have lost to 217 and am now having the surgery.....I am a person who is absolutely powerless over food. For me, it is not a matter of motivation....Or reasons to stay away from the food...my disease took everything from me except for my big mouth, and I still wanted MORE. See, it's a disease that works in my head....because it tells me i don't have it...once i start eating, I can't stop on my own....because my brain shuts off and my emotions go on autopilot or numb out....there are chemical and biological reasons for this. I don't like store bought veggies either...for me they don't taste like veggies cause of all the pesticides that are on them....and, I am a carb addict. OMG...cheeseburgers. And pizza. And fries. and on and on. I have gotten up in the dead of night, got dressed and driven in the car in the cold and rain to go to a drive though. That was me in 2008. Today, one meal at a time, I eat three planned meals a day and nothing in between. And I use my laziness to my advantage....I buy the stuff in the premeasured boxes so I am less time in the kitchen, My disease works in my head....and obsession of the mind, and then a physical allergy to food. The allergy works in reverse than what one might expect....instead of telling me to never drink the bleach again, once i start eating, my body screams at me to eat more. see, I'm allergic to eating bleach, too....only tried that once....anyway, an obsession of the mind, and an allergy of the body. Obsessing on food.....the food network, the wandering down the aisles in the store, the in and out of the kitchen....in and out of the fridge....I had to let my laziness work for me, so that I did not go in the kitchen after I prepared my breakfast and lunch....then it was off limits til dinner. And see, nobody has to do this alone. I found a lot of help with other people who support each other one day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time, one feeling at a time, I have learned to live without the food. I have not had my surgery yet and I have lost over 140 pounds. If you want we can chat...besides, how does shame honor the wonderful person you are and all the good things you do? I bet there is lots that is right in your life....peace to you
Brandi_L_Moran · 2 replies · 686 views
