I am so ashamed!!

I had the vertical sleeve done on 3/10/10. I lost 100 pounds. That was great...or was it. It was great for my health but emotionally it threw me for loops I could have never imagined.

My surgery itself went well. My trip to mexico and the experience I had while there was excellent! I would never have received such good treatment in the US. I didnt experience much pain at all and flying back across the country to get home was a breeze. I couldnt have asked for anything better.

I got home and started losing weight and completely changed the way I ate and the way I thought about food.. I loked at food as strictly a means of nutrition that my body required. I concentrated on eating proteins, vegetables and fruits only. I completely cut out all carbs. I drank only water. I was excited for a while as the weight kept coming off. I then was able to buy clothes that were several sizes smaller which was very exciting for me. There was only one problem...no matter how much weight I lost, what size clothes I got in to, any time I looked in a mirror I saw someone who weighed over 300 lbs. I saw the old me. I could never get past that to see the new me. I would get compliments daily, run into people who could barely recognize me because of my weight loss but I never saw that slimmer person.

Ultimately this all lead to depression, me being discouraged, me wondering why I was doing without food that I liked if I wasnt going to see the difference. I began to slowly eat the things I shouldnt. I add things back into my diet here and there that I shouldnt eat. As I am sure yo have guessed by now I gained weight back. I would estimate a good 50lbs of it back. I dont know for sure because I refuse to step on the scale.

What I realize now is that I wasnt emotionally or psychologically prepared for what was ahead of me after surgery. I had no idea I would go through the self image issue. I never realized that I truly did like to eat. I also use food for comfort and when I am happy.

Nonetheless, I am so embarrassed that I rarely leave the house because I do not want people to see I gained weight. I am ashamed of myself. I completely let myself down and wasted money having surgery. I saved for years to be able to have that surgery in hopes that it would change my life for the better. I wanted to be healthy and happy for my kids. I wanted to be able to run and play with my kids. Instead they have to be embarassed of me. I have absolutely no energy on a daily basis.

It is really taking a lot for me to post this but I am posting in hopes that maybe someone else has gone through something similar and just maybe can point me in the right direction. I just dont even know what to do with myself.

I'm still pre-op so I can't pretend to know your struggles. However, I can understand your thinking very well.

I'd suggest getting back to basics as if you just had the surgery while seeking therapy. I know I will need to start therapy after surgery to keep myself on track.

I think a therapist can help you examine the why's and how's that have created the regain and will help you energize yourself to start again. Perhaps maybe a nutritionist as well to help get you back on track?

Staying in the house isn't healthy for you or the kids. Remember why you did this in the first place and let that be your inspiration to keep going!

Good Luck!

You still have the sleeve. Just get back on the program. It may not be easy - but now you know what to do and what not to do.   Maybe that will be your goal? to get back - and be the person (inside and out) that you always wanted to be.
 
But - I would suggest a therapy - you may need to find a good counselor that may help you to find out why do you sabotage yourself.

In a meantime - come and join - Back on Track Together group... There are a lot of people there- some gained back weight and try to get back on track, others - just try to maintain.

http://www.obesityhelp.com/group/backontracktogether/discuss ion/

I feel the exact same. The RNY surgery itself went perfectly. Not a hitch and the healing time was amazing. I just had my 4 year surgiversary and am so disappointed with myself. I lost 100 lbs of the 200 lbs I wanted to lose. Then I gained back 40. I don't know what to do and I am super embarrassed. I have actually had family members say things to me like "go have the rest of your stomach taken out, maybe it'll work next time". I fought to get the surgery for 4 years and when I finally got it I was so excited.

I failed.

I failed because my surgeon was in Chicago, a 5 hour drive from me. 2 months afterwards I lost my job and source of income so I couldn't drive to my appointments. The doctors office wouldn't work with me as far as over the phone or with a local doc so i have never had blood work to check my vitamin levels or regular checkins with the nutritionist. I think that is why. I literally winged it and made a lot of bad choices. I would say I could just get back on the wagon and get back to basics, BUT I don't know what those are and no other doctor around me will touch me for fear of liability. I'm stuck...

I know the feeling and I empathize on so many levels. I don't know what to do other than start looking into a revision which is 10x riskier than the initial sugery. If you ever wanna chat I am here.

I too feel the same as you do. I had my surgery (gastric bypass) in May 2010.I barley loss a hundred pounds. I started off weighing 332. Everyone else that I know who's weight was around mine, that had the same surgery looks so nice. They all loss much much more than I did and I did no differently than the rest. Even at one of my earliest visits to the DR. office after surgey...the nurse said she did'nt understand why my weight loss was not greater. I knew then that this surgery was not going to be a success for me. I was depressed before the surgery because of my size and still depressed be cause I'm still over weight and I've been through so much. People say I should be grateful for the 100 pound weight loss and stop complaing and believe me I am grateful, for health purposes. I just don't understand what's wrong with my body...even surgery could'nt help me. My friends are in a size 8 or 10...I'm still a 20..I guess in some cases it's true when they say (some people are just not ment to be thin). I've been heavy all my life even as a child. I've been on every diet there is, with little or no success, this was my last hope. Just once in my life before I die , I wanted to be able to walk into a room fullof people and  not be talk about in a negative way because of my size. Say whatever you want about my dress,hair,make-up shoes...just not my weight. If this is as far as I can go with the weight ...then so be it but, I refuse to gain what I have lost back.

When you have big all your life.  Seeing yourself in a different light is hard to do.  So many people who are over weight suffer from depression and don't really know it or  see it.  People who a large amount of weight. 
They are still finding themselves. They carry alot of emotional pain and shame. They have not lived their life because, They have been waiting their whole life to finally lose the weight.     Once the weight is lost. They don't know who they are.   When you never been on a date.  All of a Sudden people notice you.  People who could care if lived or dead before. Not just men but, Women too.  All of sudden want to get to know you and all details of your life and business.  They want to know all about your weight lose.  Most people who entroverted just don't how to deal with it all.  So most just shut down out of an unknown fear. It not that their trying to gain back the weight. They are just stop trying. They just shut down and don't even know it until half the weight is gained back. They just do nothing and let the weight come back on.  Sometimes doing nothing is worst than pigging out. Sometimes in life all you know is failure.  It becomes your normal.  It took you years to gain the weight.  Sometimes it takes year of therapy to get a breakthrough.  To understand who you are as a person.  So you can learn to like yourself.

 Sweetie, 

Don't be ashamed!  (Easier said than done I know) but I just want you to know that the only thing different about you is that you're probably more HONEST than most about the way you feel. 
I lost 189lbs in 2001-2002 non-surgically and had the same thing basically happen.  I was considerably smaller in body, but stil carrying around the head of someone who weighed over 400lbs and I gained the weight back.  It is SO HARD, but I want to try and encourage you to start doing some footwork, ANY footwork now before you've lost all the positive gains that you've made. 

Can you talk to a mental health professional?  I had to because I had been overweight my whole life and it wasn't until counseling that I realized that I liked the EFFECT that I got from eating.  I used food as novocaine, and as long as I was eating, I didn't have to deal with the rest of my feelings because I was only looking for the comfort feeling that came from picking up the food one more time.  I was truly no different than a heroin addict just looking for one more hit.  

You haven't wasted this experience by any means, and because I have suffered from major depressive disorder for many years I know when you're in the dark valley of depression NOTHING seems to be possible, positive or encouraging.  That's why talking to someone outside of your head is so important.  

I spent 4 years in severe depression and gaining back the weight I'd lost.  THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO BE YOUR STORY TOO.  Keep reaching out for help.  Someone suggested to me when I was in the deptghs of my depression that I look at even ONE more thing that I did today vs. yesterday as a MIRACLE and a step in teh right direction.  We're talking about "I brushed my teeth, I ROCK!"  Try to give yourself credit for what you ARE doing, to try and shift your focus away from the other stuff. 

In addition to going to a counselor and possibly a physician if necessary (perhaps you need shot term meds for depression?  I don't know) I also joined a 12 Step group for food addiction.  I realized that I was using food as a crutch, an outlet, and that all the weight I had on my body was there for a reason.  Once I could put the food down and get to the root of my problems, there was a much greater chance I wouldn't have to pick up the food again.  

My heart goes out to you sweetie because I've absolutely been where you are, even with not having had surgery.  Shame, regret, embarrasment, isolation, depression.  I've been there.  Just be honest and reach out for help and there will be people willing to support you. 

Keep me posted on how you're doing please.  Take Care, you deserve it.

This is called body dysmorphic disorder.  It is a real problem and you are not alone.  You need to call a psycologist and explain what is going on.  This is the only problem I see with having your surgery done out of the country or even out of town.  You need lots of follow up and it needs to be close to you.