gaining a litte, never lost all the weight, stretch marks, blah blah

 I had my gastric bypass surgery back in mid 2008 and before surgery I was 272.5, I am currently 180 at my lowest I was 162. 

When the surgery first happened I was extremely motivated, I lost the majority in the first year like we all do and now its like I'm eating almost as though I never had the surgery to begin with. I mean I don't eat nearlly as much as I used to by any means but I eat like a normal person. I eat chocolates and breads and really anything. I'm so worried that I am going to gain all that weight back and it makes me so mad that I never got down to my weight goal of 135 (I'm 5'3), hell I never made it down to 150. 

What makes matters worse is I have absolutely NO motivation to do anything about it. I am talking NONE. I don't want to eat right I don't want to excersize (which I pretty much never did to begin with) becuase all I can keep thinking about is, the weight is just going to come back again if you don'****ch every little bit of food that you eat. And watching every little bit of food I eat starts getting exhausting very quickly. I am also recently sreiously depressed becuase of what I did to my body to begin with, I have stretchmarks everywhere! I mean literally I could have a tummy tuck and it wouldn't matter because there is no clear skin on my stomach at all to actaully feel comfortable enough to show it in public. I think that is the other part of my problem, lately all I can think of is that for just one day I would like to know what it feels like to be those other girls on the beach who, are not super skinny model size just normal girls, can wear a two piece and show their thighs and stomachs and backa nd hips and what have you without looking like a curtain the cat scrathed up all to hell. 

So obviously I am kinda depressed and I want to snap myself out of it. I hate being in my body its disgusting and the more I gain the more disgusting I feel which in turn totally does not make me want to watch what I am eating or excersize. Everytime I do think I am going to go out and get some excersize poof oh well I have to do this that or the other so I can't really do it today. And I know a lot of people are going to say oh well you just need to stop that and don;t make excuses and just go out and do it but what is it that is in me that keeps making me not want to? How do I get rid of this feeling. 

Part of it boils down to, I almost don;t see the point becuase I won't ever be able to wear a two peice in public and feel comfortable and I feel like I will gain it back like I did the millions of times I dieted when I was younger, and again after the surgery. I almost wish I could do the surgery over again so I can not eat and just lose the rest of this weight. 

Obviously I am feeling very hopeless at the moment. Please any advice will be greatly appreciated. 

So you sound really really down and out. I have two suggestions and neither one of them are going to be that you just need to do what you know you should do. Obviously that would not be helpful at all.

My first suggestion is this: have you ever looked into getting some counseling? It would be a safe environment for you to go somewhere and talk about how you feel about yourself and maybe explore why you are not motiviated? Maybe there is some deeper issue? Something that if you got off your chest you'd feel better?

My next suggestion is this: did you do this ONLY so you could fit in a two piece? I am betting the answer is no. Or at least I am hoping it is no.

Hopefully you did this so would be healthy. I think what happens to a lot of folks is that some or all of the weight is lost, but then the body issues start. We pick apart the other things we see. Flabby skin. Stretch marks. We see ourselves as just as heavy as when we started even though that is so obviously NOT what the scale says. When this happens you need to focus on what you've accomplished. It just sort of sounds like you went 75% of the way there, stalled, and are beating yourself up for it.

Focus on what you did well, not how short you are from your original goal.

No one is as hard on us as we are on ourselves. You did an amazing thing you lost over 100lbs and have mostly kept it all off for three years. That is huge.

Hang in there and try not to beat yourself up. It really just sounds like you need a friend and some support.

Brenda~

 Thank you for replying. I was in counseling for a little while but stopped due to cost. You're right I did lose the weight to be healthy and not to wear a two piece but I can't help but feel there should be an extra added bonus on top of everything I have been through with my weight, I know its stupid and selfish but I guess I just expected to be better accepted by society. As far as the friend thing goes, the couple that I have are all skinny and think weight gain is when you don't fit into a pair of single digit jeans you wore last year. I don't think they really understand. I generally just end up getting tops on what I should or words like oh you just need to walk more. I have been heavy all my life and regardless of that fact, I do know what I am supposed to eat and that yes exercise makes you lose weight, though I think for a person who has always been skinny, doesn't really understand that because if I know all of those things why am I not thin yet... 

In the end I just have to get out of this slump and into a gym, I just wish I knew of a better way to motivate myself to do so because in the morning before work and at the end of the day after work I don;t really want to do anything at all other then go home. 

Again, thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it, and best of luck (even if you don't need any) in your continued weight loss and keeping it off. 

Hello Brenda,

I haven't been on OH for a well and decided to check in...needed some motivation.  I always have found it interesting to view other's questions and the advice given to them.  I am really digging the advice you gave the girl in this post.  Very uplifting.  It has encouraged me also.

Thanks again and hope you are doing well.

Kelly :-)

I feel for you as I'm in the same boat. I got within 14 lbs of my goal weight, but then something switched and I reverted to my old thinking/habits/eating. I've now gained back 65lbs of the 100lbs that I lost.

But I'm taking action. This is what I'm doing and hopefully there might be something in here that might help you.

1. I realized my depression had come back and I was at the very bottom. I was diagnosed with chronic depression in my teens (in my mid-40s now) so I know how the highs and lows of my mood affect me. I think the first year after the surgery I was riding the wave of losing weight and really liking for the first time in my life the person I was seeing in the mirror (with my clothes on). So in the 2nd year after my surgery I noticed my depression had really crept back up on me and I was at the bottom. So I made an appt with my GP and discussed my meds and my concern that perhaps I wasn't absorbing enough of the medication since the surgery as I was on the lowest dosage. It was decided to double the dose and see if that helps and about 6 weeks later I do notice some improvement.

2. I started seeing a therapist. For starters I never fully addressed and RESOLVED the issues that led to the weight gain in the first place. Plus there were the mind games of seeing I had lost weight (again, only with my clothes on) and still thinking/feeling that I was still at my highest weight. So when the weight started coming back it didn't really register....but it did depress me alot. Too much negative thinking and beating myself up. We have to learn to love and accept ourselves and it's a process that doesn't happen overnight, but with the help of my therapist, I have help in seeing the situation from outside myself.

3. Orderd some self-help/inspiration books. I actually ordered 3 books and it wasn't until I got them home that I realized there was a pattern to the books I ordered. The first book is to do with understanding my depression and finding a mindful way out of it. Then the 2nd book works on self-critism and my negative thoughts and how to learn to love myself. And finally the 3rd book deals with finding out who the real me is...not what my family, friends, employer, etc think and want me to be. But really find out what I want to get out of life and how to accompli****

4. I started today the 5 Day Pouch Test (www.5daypouchtest.com). I only found out about this about 2 weeks ago when I came back to this website to see if I could get myself back on track. It was a HUGE relief learning that while I may not be using my tool (the gastric bypass) to lose and maintain weight loss, it is in fact still there just waiting for me to properly use it. And that's what the 5 day pouch test does - it "resets" everything (body, mind, emotions) back to when we first had the surgery. I think learning that I can still use the tool to lose weight was the biggest relief.

5. And last but not least, I started coming back to the ObesityHelp community. I haven't been on the website for over a year and I find if I keep my focus on something, it keeps it foremost in my mind. That's why it's so important to blog, post, read books....keep it on your mind all the time but in a POSITIVE way. Stop the negative beating yourself up. As soon as I hear that voice in my head start up I tell it to back off as I'm not going to listen to it unless it has good things to say about me. There will be times when your mind will try very hard to overcome your resistance to listen to it but this I think is probably the most important and biggest hurdle I have to overcome to realize complete peace and dedication/focus/motivation to making my life the life I always wanted to live.

Not sure if any of this is helpful, but at least realize there are others like you out there struggling...myself, for one.

Good luck and message me if you want to talk more.

Laurie

 Thank you so much for all the great advice. I will check out the 5 day pouch site and see if I can get some help through that. Along with talkign to my GP to see if we can boost my mood some. Again, thank you for replying and the best of luck to you as well!

Thank you for sharing your problems.  I am 2 years out and was 10 pounds from a realistic weight goal of 155 when I started putting weight back on.  I experienced what I feel were major transference issues and began drinking wine.  I now, as of weighing in this morning, put back on 24 pounds of only 69 lost.  I am terribly depressed but glad to know I am not alone.  I saw another post where it refers to the pouch test and I look forward to trying the 5 day diet.  I know deep down that there are some issues with myself and my several drinks of wine in the evening are only the beginning.  Thank you and I hope to refer back to this post with good news within the next week or two.  Your post did help.  Vicki
 

I think that the fact that you posted shows you know yourself pretty well. You're doing the right thing by reaching out. What you probably need most from seeing your response to my comment is to interact with folks who know what you're going through!

I am sure your friends mean well, but if they are all thin and have never been over weight they can't really know what you are going through. You might want to check in your area and see if there are any support groups.

I think you need another set of friends. Ones who know your struggles. One fo the best things about OH is that it connects you with people who know what you are dealing with.

Tons of what Laurie said was good! I know my couseling helps me a lot with my food issues. But if you're dealing with lack of motivation it's good to talk to folks about it and find out if there are deeper issues like depression too.

You're a beautiful person Rita and there's some answers out there for you. Good luck!

Brenda~

 Thanks Brenda,

I do think its about time I start checking the boards more and coming back to OH. I have't visited in nearly a year. Hopefully it will help some.  

Do you have medical insurance? Recent laws have made insurers cover mental health treatment the same as physical health treatment: no separate (lower) caps or higher copays. I believe the therapist must be an MD, PhD, or MSW.

The right therapist can help you find your way out of the hole you're in. I've seen many incompetent therapists who couldn't understand me, didn't try to understand me, and just plain didn't like me. Now I've got one who is actually helpful. She works in a bariatric practice--and that's the difference. She has a lot of experience with people suffering from weight problems. That's who you want.

As I work my way out of my gopher hole, I'm finding that little behavioral changes create mental/emotional changes, and those mental/emotional changes make possible further behavioral changes...

The buddy system for exercise is the best approach. If you can find a group or friend who exercises your way at your pace, you'll get moving.

One last thing: I was thin when I was young, but had figure and other physical problems. I couldn't wear a skimpy swimsuit in public. I was made fun of and insulted. I had two children and my skinny body carried a mesh of stretch marked, squishy, wrinkled belly around since I was 22 years old. There are some young women who have everything, and some who get the short end of the stick, looks-wise. If you really think you're one of the latter, move on to more important matters. If you're lucky enough to live until you're fifty, it won't matter at all. There's a beautiful freedom in not being obligated to be "cute."

I could be 180 degrees wrong, but if that lovely avatar is you, I gather you've had experience as a beauty queen. Maybe your standards are going to have to change because of the eating disorder. Or maybe you look great but see tiny imperfections as failures. This is the kind of thing a GOOD therapist can help you sort out.

Love and best wishes on your journey,
Dagne