Almost 5 years out and scared.

I had my open RNY 1/116/03 & got to my lowest weight (149) within 17 months.  My marriage ended and I met someone new who makes me so happy.  We had a daughter 15 months ago and I only gained 15 lbs through the whole pregnancy and it was gone before I left the hospital.  In the 15 months since then, I've had so many things happen to me, bad things, that I've fallen back into some really bad habits.  Specifically, eating for comfort.  I hardly ever dump anymore and when I do, I know I just have to wait it out and it passes.  I constantly forget to take my vitamins, hardly touch water (I pretty much live on diet pepsi), and my protein consumption is dangerously low.  One day I figured it out and it totalled approximately 20 grams.  :(  All of these things I KNOW are wrong, I KNOW I shouldn't be doing them but with everything going on in my life, I just don't have the energy to devote to myself.  I'm so worried about everything and everybody else I just don't care about myself anymore.  I'm scared.  I got on the scale a couple of weeks ago for the first time in I don't know how long.  200.  A number I promised myself I'd never see again.  My hair is falling out every day.  I'm so scared that I'm a failure once again.  I was so proud of myself for losing the weight.  I took pride in my appearance, I LIKED myself.  That's all gone now & I desperately want to get it back but I don't know if I can.  I moved 200+ miles from my home & family.  I don't know anyone near here like me, who can relate to me and what the surgery means.  I've stopped telling people I've even had it.  :(  I used to be so proud of that accomplishment and now I'm too embarassed to even mention it.  I just know they're going to look at me and think I'm lying because I sure don't look like I've lost a lot of weight, I look like I SHOULD lose a lot of weight.  :( Please, someone tell me that there is hope for me?  Has anyone had their weight start rising and been able to stop it??  My goal of 140 seems to be slipping away.  I feel myself wanting to give up.  I felt like that before the surgery, I don't want to go back to that life again.  :( 

Oh you poor sweetheart! I am glad you posted and want you to know that you are in my thoughts. I read your post with interest, noticing that you have been through so MANY life changes in such a short time. You need to step back and regroup.   You know your enemy, and you have to fight to get back on track. Your honesty is very good. Now that you have admitted publicly about the poor nutritional choices and lack of good water...you are free now to make a new start towards health. Don't think of DIETING!!  I have grown to HATE anything that reminds me of the soul destroying dieting days I coped with for decades before my VSG surgery.   I think you should just eat protein first, then fit in veggies fruits and of course your clear liquids.  Not dieting....yuk. You have a beautiful child now, who needs a momma that sets a very good example, and also is healthy.   Your man needs a healthy woman.....you did it before, and can do it again.    You still have the tool....your smaller tummy to help you restrict the bad foods. Keep us posted as to your progress! Here is a hug   ((((((((((((((NiMaWa)))))))))))))

Hey, I just thought of something....go to the weight loss graduates board here on OH, and a lot of them that have regained some of their weight, have gone on a 5 day pouch test.   It is helping a lot of them to get their pouch back in order from not eating right..... It may be worth a look-see.

Bless your heart.  I really wish I had some Godly words of advice for you.  I have prayer though which will go out to you.  We can all do this together, I am trying to remember the proper way to eat, the amounts, the foods etc.  we can help each other.  We may not be able to make the bad times go away, I know i have been trying for the last 2 years and they seem growing as I grow, no pun intended; but we can be of love and support to each other.  Take the blessing that is your little girl and lets move towards her as an inspiration. Good luck

There is LOTS of hope for you!!!! You can get over this..... sorry in advance about what I am going to say, please remember that I am not intending to hurt you in any way: could you possibly be depressed? your daughter was born only 15months ago, postnatal depression is VERY common, can start anytime in the year after birth and can get worse and carry on for a long time if it goes undiagnosed... you just had a baby, you live far from your family and friends, it is even harder to adapt to a new life with a new baby with no family and friends around, even if you have a wonderful baby who sleeps every night and hardly cries! It is a major life experience!  I have seen women who have it all (money/friends/family/looks/fame/perfect baby etc) and still get postnatal depression! You say you do not have the time to devote to yourself, having your vitamins and eating enough protein is NOT 'devoting time' to yourself, it is an ESSENTIAL requirement to keep healthy and not die eventually after years of suffering!  It is not 'pampering yourself' doing something that is essential to your long term health!  One of the many symptoms of depression is a change in your eating habits (you may have others too). It is great that you have acknowledged that you are having problems, now go and see your family doctor and ask for help!  It is difficult to make new friends when you are feeling 'low' but you could try and 'force' yourself to go to some parent groups (like baby and toddler groups), it will be hard at first but in time you may make new friendships in your neighbourhood...they may have not had WLS or your same problems but they may still be a good 'listening ear' etc... You have a lot to live for and you are still well ahead to put it right and you can and you will! You have mentioned the man you are with now makes you really happy, have you opened up to him about this? He may be able to give you some support? You are in our thoughts and we believe in you, that you can do this! hugs Jo

Hi there! I just wanted to tell you that I am in the exact same boat. I came on here to get support because I too feel like I have failed miserably. I had my surgery 3/29/04  and went from 341 to 206 at my lowest. I was sooooo close to being under 200 and finally being under my fiance in weight! Now as of today I am back up to 270 :-(    I feel horrible about myself everyday. Worst part is......it is causing trouble in my relationship, and I am getting married this June! I NEED to be down before then to look good on that day, and time is sure running out. I am so scared and so upset that it got to this point again.  I do feel a little angry at the surgery. I am mad that now my stomach is healed and stretched....not back to normal.....but bad enough. Now that I have less of an intestinal tract, food goes through much quicker and now I am hungry all the time and I can eat more!!!! Sometimes I feel that it is worse than before.  Sorry don't mean to rant but I feel the same way as you do and it is killing me. Maybe we can support each other.

Take a deep breath! When I’m overwhelmed with life and aren’t doing things I know I should be, I write a list. I’d suggest you try it. Write down all the things you should be doing and then take steps to doing it. The most important things should be at the top of the list, so the top of yours should say "FOCUS ON MY HEALTH". The first step in doing that would be vitamin intake. Write “1. Take vitamins first thing in the morning". Have a little reminder or an alarm ready so that it’s the first thing you see or address. That way you know that before you eat, take a shower, brush your teeth or go to the bathroom to take your vitamins first. Number 2 should be something like… “Incorperate protein and fruits into breakfast”. If you’re in a rush, grab an apple and protein water and hey, problem solved! Have daily goals or challenges like "don't drink cola", "don't take the elevator" or "lose 1 pound" if you're really up to it. That is just what I would do. Please slow down a little and focus on YOUR health. Good luck.