Feel like such a failure.. 1 1/2 years post op

I did great the first year. Dropping 110 pounds I went from 349 pounds to 235. Somehow once I stalled , I couldn't keep going. I have gone back to eating sweets and junk. Eating large portions. Im hungry all the time and feel out of control. I've already gained back up to 250 pounds. Im pretty sure I have stretched out my stomach as I can eat the same portion size that I used to... Im not sure what to do. Im so dissapointed in myself and my husband doesn't understand how I can even eat this much. I feel like he is dissapointed in me .. I don't know what to do.. I've wondered about having them try to put a lap band on with my gastric bypass but I don't even want to tell my husband that since we've paid cash for all of my surgeries. I started out with a lap-band and converted to gastric bypass which got me down to 250 thank god but I can't budge.. I can eat too much and I don't know when to stop. I never had that feeling that everyone described of feeling full off of a little bit of food. I had my surgery in mexico and don't have a doctor to go to here.. Does anyone have any advice for me... I feel helpless and out of control.... Please help Frosty

Hey Frosty.. I don't have any advice for you..sorry to say, BUT I'm sorta in the same boat. I can definately relate to you on many points. In 2002 at age 21, I had WLS. I had RNY lap and healed fantastically. I work law enforcement and went back to work on light duty two weeks following my surgery..the first six months though, You know, I never really lost a TON of weight. I started at 240 lbs and honestly got down to about 200 ... After six months, I got pregnant. Even though I was on the DepoProvera shot, I became pregnant. Pregnancy was pretty hard on my body and I ended up leaving work three months pregnant and sitting in bed with a constant IV and having to eat every couple hours to not only keep my weight up, BUT TO GAIN WEIGHT!! You can imagine this was a nightmare but the baby was PERFECT..!! After pregnancy I weighed about 195... Ten more months went by and I immediately started using a different birthcontrol. The patch and Nova ring... BUT I GOT PREGNANT AGAIN...apparently, the WLS had confused my body and I was no longer reacting correctly to the birthcontrol... Again had to get on IV and eat and eat and eat... I ended that pregnancy at about 218 and growing. At that time I could practically eat a six inch sub sandwich and a bag of pretzels...MY STOMACH STRETCHED OUT or something!! Well, I got my tubes tied ..it was a difficult decision but I know I'm done having kids. My doctor hardly let me do it since I was only 24... BUT NOW I"M STUCK!!!! I'm in the same boat NOW that I was then, before the first surgery!!! I see my doc on Aug 15 and since the first go around was so smooth as far as the WLS was concerned I want to plead and beg him for a revision... So see, we're sorta in the same place...

I am feeling out of control as well. Aug 30 will be my 1 year. I can eat anything with out dumping most of the time and alot of what ever when ever. I don't eat the same amount of I used to but I feel like I am eating too much for the size my stomach is supposed to be. I am on Welbutrin for depression and to stop some of my compulsive eating but even though my emotional state has been more barable I can seem to stop eating ,grazing. I know you wanted some one to tell you a solution but I am in the same boat and I don't want you to feel alone. Another issue is the family financial and emotion thing, I had to pay over $2,000 deductable and borrowed half from my mother and got some from my boyfriend and payroll deducted $1,000, what if I need a revision in a year or two I will be so ashamed, how will I explain it to all of those people that took care of me and supported me. When will I stop eating out of control before it's too late and i gain 5 pounds 10 then 20. I was 258 on the day of surgery and the 2 weeks before that I was on a liquid diet and I did it with no problem, not even a thought about when will I stop, I'm so out of control. My goal weight is 150 and I am now 188 -most days. I am scared and before reading your post I felt alone. We must both pray for God to give use the power to stick to a routine I have just almost a year after surgery started to take my vitamins on time and soon hopefully I will start to work out regularly. I am not ready to put my size 22 back on I just ordered a size 16 leather pants today. I could go on and on but I will pry for all of us in this struggle. Our addition is not cigarrettes or cocaine somethiung that you can put down ands never touch again but it is food- something you can live without and if you try you just gain more weight- but in our case thank god for malabsorbtion. KimT

Hi Kim, I definitely feel you on this. I had my surgery in 2003, I lost weight rather rapidly but it seems now I can eat what I want, I have NEVER dumped. I graze all day at work and even at night. I am really trying hard to curb this and a lot of people say that it is psychological. And I agree with them in part, because when I do eat, I am not really hungry. I tried chewing gum but that seems to make me hungrier. I work in an office where I sit mostly and I have been trying to exercise more often, walking is the main thing that I do but even that gets put on the back burner due to pain in my knees and feet (I have arthritis). However, I am fully aware. My goal weight was 180, I got to that but now I am at 195. I need to lose those 15 pounds and I know I can do it. 500 calories a day is not good for anyone, I don't think. I don't think fasting is good either. I have never been able to go a full day without eating....hmmm......I think I am going to follow your about the anti depressant, even though I have managed to not use them, maybe they can help my compulsive eating. It is good to know that one is not alone and I appreciate all the posts to this subject. Ifama

I'm still pre-op....but Wellbutrin is contraindicated for people with eating disorders. That means we really shouldn't take it. It's bizarre that Doc would prescribe them to somehow make the eating disorder better???? I have taken Wellbutrin several times to quit smoking, and when my weight went up up up up up on the stuff, the Docs and I thought it was because I had stopped smoking. But I just figured it out, it's not the lack of smoking it's the Wellbutrin that makes me a non-stop eating machine. I stopped taking those nasty pills and I'm still not smoking. I swear I lost 10 pounds in the first 2 days after I stopped taking them. Something to consider, maybe ask your Doc about changing to another anti-depressant. Good luck to you. Wendy

Dear Wendy: Thank you so much for your response. Even though my depression is in much better check I feel like my eating is way more out of control now than ever. I am on another diet now and falling back into depression because I can't stop eating, I just don't know what it is, is it the "Welly" as I call it. I have been addicted to food for a very long time and I understand any addict will look for any excuse to do what ever there thing is,but this is really something to think about. My co worker is a very small girl 120 something wearing xs or 0 and she is on Wellbutrin too, I swear today she ate for 8 hours non stop candy,pretzels,pop,goldfish, slim jim's and she never stopped eating and drinking the whole day. I have a very good therapist now I will be talking to her about this. KimT

I'm sorry you are having this problem. Which weight loss surgery did you have? You can't keep beating yourself up...check with your doctor. WLS is a tool for you to use and if it is not working properly it is not your fault. Hang In There Linda

Frosty, I too am about 1 1/2 years out. I lost 75 pounds in the first six months and had a very difficult time with depression.Horrible food withdrawl. I stopped taking care of myself. No vitamins, no doctors appointments, wasn't even keeping up with my cancer treatments. I did not exercize and i grazed. It was the worst depression I've ever experienced. I am now on wellbutrin and lexapro and the depression is under control. I have gained back 5 pounds. I had my bloodwork done for an appointment with the surgeon and most of the tests came back in the normal range. No malnutrition here. I've started walking and occasional swimming. I started taking vitamins again on monday and have tried to go back to all protien. I was eating too much carbs and sugar( never had the dumping problem) I started overeating about six months ago and kept doing it ( probably because I was not gaining due to the malabsorbtion) My younger sister had the same surgery and has lost 140 pounds in one year. I feel like a failure but its time to get back on the horse and see if I can ride again. If I have to I will get my pouch tested and see if I need a revision. ( If thats even possible ) If I stay off of the carbs for a while it should get me out of the cycle of eating carbs and then craving carbs. I've been eating chili and different meats and cheeses for lunch and dinner and cottage cheese and yogurt for breakfast and snack. I started going back to the support group meetings that I stoped going to a year ago and I hope to get the scale moving again. I weighed myself at the last support meeting at the barix clinic and I was 229.2. When I go back next month I'll be glad to see anything under 225. That was my lowest since surgery. Come back to OH every day and try to get involved in the community of people that live this life every day and they will help you to stay motivated. I wish you luck and hope you can get back on the road to llosing weight. Bette You need to get motivvated again and coming to OH at least once a day helps to motivate me.

Hi Bette, I was touched by your post. I, too, suffer from a strong depression but keep it under control with Wellbutrin and Lexapro. I am considering laproscopic gastric bypass and meet a surgeon, Dr. Hunter, for the first time tomorrow morning. I am 110 pounds overweight and am very tired all the time. And I've tried and failed with lots of different diets. My insurance provider is Boeing Traditional Medical, which I have heard is pretty good about covering the surgery, so we'll see. I get winded after climbing the two flights of stairs to my apartment everyday, but I am hanging in there. I am trying all sorts of protein drinks so that I can find a few that I like, should I get approved. I'm nervous but excited about my appointment tomorrow. I hope that if I do get approved and have the surgery, that this won't be one more thing that I try and fail at doing. Your words are inspirational. I need to be reminded that big problems can be dealt with one little step at a time, and that faith helps. I am in therapy and that helps, too. I found a gastric bypass surgery support group at a local hospital that meets this Thursday night, and I plan to attend, and get some more support. I've done a lot of research, so I don't have lots of technical questions anymore. I'm more interested in hearing patients talk about their personal experiences and getting emotional support. Hugs to you Frosty! Take care, Francesca

Hi Betty, I just starteed back on OH yesterday. WE are very close in surgery dates and beginning weight. I to am on Lexapro and klonopin for anxiety and depression. I have been thru so much since the Wls, which has been extremely slow for me.Today I'm 203 lbs.I cant eat much, but can graze some. I too have a plan to start back on my protein shakes and leave carbs alone , mostly potatoes and beer. I know, I know, but sometimes I just cant eat and will drink beer out of depression. Last August my surgeons lab work came back with liver enzymes higher than before wls, so off to pcp I go and find out I have hepatitis c. Never did drugs, but have had 4 back surgeries and blood transfusions. I was genotype 2b ,viral load 97,100 which is good for the disease. Did 6 months of inteferon and ribaviron tx ending end of this June. I was so sick,tired sleepy, nauseaus,couldnt eat, couldnt exercise and still wasnt losing weight!!!! Just inches. Well the meds worked and I'm virus free, will check again in 6 mos. So now as my strenght returns I will start exercising again. The wls and then taking those cancer meds has given me uncontrollable diarrhea at times. I poop on myself in public or anywhere if when the urge comes if I'm not seconds away from the bathroom!!!! Always buying new panties. I really do need to get me some depends. Talk about depressing!! I go to church now and that s my saving grace, learning God's word. He is so good. Well lets all forget the past, admit our food faults and lack of moving our bodies and get prepared to wear some sexy jeans for the winter, plus a cute little leather jacket and boots and strut our stuff. We can all do it. We just have slow metabolisms and really have too work xtra harder. Good luck to all and God bless us all. Carolyn