My Epiphany and My Dilemma (Hopeless)
I must admit. I haven't been on the board for years. Life threw me for a loop after my 2008 DS. And it seems to still be twisting me around.
My epiphany took place right before the pandemic. A gastric surgeon took a look at my pouch with a barium swallow. I was expecting pure hell. That I had stretched it and was in need of surgery or a band, which he recommended. When I looked at the screen, I realized it was still this tiny, little pouch. And the problem wasn't the surgery, it was ME!
I've been given a tool that took me from 450+ to my present-day 160. I realized at that moment, that I had to step up my game. The ball was in my court and I couldn't blame surgery failure. So I put on my big girl panties and signed up for a workout program at the YMCA. And began to powerwalk. I was 200lbs when I started to take control. I got down to 180 when the pandemic hit. I maintained the loss through the lockdown. Presently, I walk and need to get back to strength training again. I'm using the excuse of not having a car to get there and I recognize what I am doing. I'm holding myself accountable.
I look at my body in the mirror and realize that over 10 years out I need plastic surgery and will never be able to afford it. I've lost my breasts. I need a tummy tuck and lipo on my behind. As well as my thighs and whatever the accumulation of fat on my vaginal area is called. (I didn't know your body could do this!)
I have a doctor in mind. But, would need my family to take out a loan to help me. Not going to happen.
In the present situation, with my desire to lose 20lbs and get rid of the remaining fat deposits on my body. Leave me depressed and feeling helpless. All those wasted years. I can't dwell on the past, it gets me nowhere but deeper into depression.
I'm at a loss. I'm trying to accept the naked body in the mirror. But I hate my image, more than myself. No one is going to want me. I'm afraid of intimacy for this reason.
I'm waaaaay past insurance coverage. I have no rashes. The weight does make me feel unbalanced, especially the hump of fat on my behind.
Any information or ideas are welcome. I'm feeling so lost and so helpless at this moment.
Leftovers are awful. Have you looked at Sauceda in MX? Better prices than in the US and he has done a ton of patients after bariatric surgery.
If I was in your place, and I am, I would lose another 20lbs, invest in some good shape wear and then decide what looks the worst. Then I would decide what to fix first. Then I would go get a second job and save that money ONLY for plastics. Or work a lot of overtime and dedicate that money for plastics.
You have to eat the elephant one bite at a time. Don't concentrate on everything. Concentrate on one thing!
I'm working on the last 20lbs and they are creeping off. But, I'm still determined. Looking into a second job is the route I'm going to have to take. Thank you for your understanding and support. I've got to get a smaller size in shapewear and keep on doing what I've been doing. You've given me HOPE! Thank you so much.
