Dating and other thoughts

So, I went on my first date in a couple of years last night.  I decided a few weeks ago to get back out there and start dating again, as I feel better and am more confident.  I signed up for a popular online dating site, and the first challenge I had was putting my body type into a category.  I am 45 pounds down from my pre-op weight and am in limbo between a W14 and Misses 16.  Despite my progress I still see that big person in the mirror.  However, I decided to classify myself as "curvy" as opposed to "a few extra pounds", because I really feel with my bust size (38F... ha I was a 44), and my junk in trunk I could be curvy.  

The response has been okay, however I find when I search for men there are very few who list curvy women as acceptable, and I am cautious that they are expecting Kim K curvy (pre-pregnancy).  The biggest thing that trips me out is me who are more than a "few extra pounds" seriously by their pics, only want "slender" and athletic women.  Hypocritical? Yes.  But I must say I think I am doing pretty well.  I made a commitment to myself to just date this summer, and not get caught up in finding "the one" so I am pretty excited.  When I went to post pics I realized I did not have any recent pics, so I did my best and posted the best looking ones (one of them is on my page here).  I hate taking pictures!

So the guy I went out with last night was a very attractive, and he did look like his pictures (did not get catfished).  I obsessed over my outfit, trying to not look "fat".  Experiencing a lot of anxiety I went on the date, and was nervous as HELL.  Im sure he could tell.  Well, I realized when I got home, this who bariatric surgery thing is bigger than surgery and food.  I knew it was mental as well, however I never counted on the games it plays with your mind.  I realized there was a little devil on my shoulder saying " you look fat... blah blah blah".  I guess my insides have not caught up with my outsides yet.  I thought I had confidence, but facing the barrel of the gun so to speak I completely lost it.  

So, I am excited about whats to come.  I freaked out wondering if I made a good impression.  Oh yeah, he took me out to dinner, but I had dinner earlier with my family (my Niece was Baptized yesterday) so I did not eat anything... Weird I know, but I do not feel comfortable discussing my DS at this point.  I told him I already had dinner before the date, as he just got off duty and wanted to meet me, so it was unplanned sort of... I was supposed to meet him Saturday, but I had so much to do I had to cancel (or was that me being scared). Well anyways... I ramble.  

PS He did text me first thing this AM, so that is a good sign, right?

Congratulations! Dating can be so exciting! And annoying, too!!

First of all, YES, if he texted you this morning, that is a GREAT sign! :)

A while back, I decided to dive back into online dating. I was tired of trying to figure out what guys expected from my description in my ads. So I ended up posting an ad on Craigslist (yes, Craigslist!) with a full body shot (not something I would normally do). The title of my ad was "Don't Click Here If You Like Skinny Chicks!"

I still received a lot of responses (over 90!) and the guys knew what to expect. Yes, it was scary to put that pic out there, but it weeded out all the guys who didn't see me as their type. I'm so glad I did it that way. 

I met my boyfriend, Juan through that ad. We are celebrating our six-year anniversary this September. 

I haven't had my surgery yet, but I imagine that I wouldn't mention the surgery to anyone new that I meet. I would probably wait until something substantial develops before revealing that type of info.

Good luck! And remember, use online dating as a filtration system. You might have to go through a lot of crap to get to the right one. Don't give up! =)

That's actually a very sweet story!  I will be married 29 years next month, so maybe I am living vicariously through you!

Congrats on such a huge step!  Must be nerve-racking, to say the least.  And, I agree, the text this AM is a very good sign!

I used to care what men thought of me until I had a very upsetting breakup that took away my confidence for almost 2 years.  One day I put it into perspective.  It dawned on me that I let this ONE person in a world of BILLIONS of people define how I saw myself.  When I really thought about him he was a loser anyway.  He had a crappy job and a crappy apartment and no car.  He also drank too much.  So, he saved me from himself and it allowed me to meet my current husband who is awesome for me and to me!!!!  My husband also loved me pre-surgery at almost 300 lbs and loves me just as much at 150 lbs. 

This time period of your life is so exciting.  You will be dropping pounds and discovering a whole new life.  I agree to just date for fun and not focus on finding the one.  I would try to date as many people in one year as I could just for the fun of it.  You might make new friends, new contacts or find a boyfriend.  Embark on it with confidence and positivity! 

Yes, it's a good sign that he texted you this morning.  I hate text dating but I'm 46 years old.  I think we need more talk time and face to face time.  Texting is just bad news.  Too easy to misinterpret and it's lazy.  Again, I'm older and that's just my opinion. 

Cheers,

Cathy

I think its a GREAT sign that he texted you!

I met my husband at speed dating. If you have it in your area I highly recommend it. Its a great way to eliminate the creepiness factor without the commitment of having to sit through dinner. :)

Its been a while since I was in the dating pool. (Thank God, because as I recall it was really stressful!) One of the biggest things I learned, mercifully, was that there are some men out there who like a woman with some meat on her bones. There would be some men who would think I was too big, and some men that would think I was attractive the way I was. 

Try not to "predict" how others might see you and go out there and have fun, girl! (And be careful!) LOL

Hugs!

PS. Keep us posted if there are more dates. LOL

I agree it is a great sign that he texted you.

Stay confident. I met my husband who I will be married to for two years in September at 300ish pounds and I couldn't ask for a sweeter guy. I also dated a lot (guys I met online) some winners some losers at a high weight so love yourself for the weight you are now and the lower weights you will hit in the future. I used so many dating sites okcupid and plentyoffish are free so I preferred them. Go figure I met my husband by replying to his craiglist add that said he was bored and just looking for someone to chat with :). I wouldn't post my picture on craigslist, but I shared them after chatting for a bit.

The good ones are out there, they just aren't always easy to find :)

I had been married forever when my H dropped dead.  I can say this because I am an old bag.  You probably missed out on a lot of developmental experiences with the opposite sex because of your weight AND your perception of yourself.  Take it slow and don't settle for the first second or third guy you meet.  Think of them as learning experiences.  Date, go out, and have fun while you catch up.  Don't take it too seriously.  You are intelligent and educated, use that brain!

Let me tell you what I did.  I put up a totally honest profile with no pictures.  And I refused to share pictures.  I said I wanted a thinking man with a brain who could speak more eloquently than "Ya wanna hook up?".  I asked for an intelligent man of reason who was educated and capable of expressing himself in speech and the written word.  I found one.  A gentle giant of a man who can and does write love letters, poetry, and music.  A man who was formally educated and then continued his education through independent study.  And I never sent him a picture either.  I wanted a grown-up.  Not some old dude lost in adolescent fantasies, still trying to find Barbie.  I just told him to grow a spine, ask me out, and take a chance.

To me the dating sites were hilarious and I laughed more than I had in years.  Right... that pic of you and assorted dead animals really gets me hot!  I love the bald guy who is so fat he has to wear suspenders to keep his pants up who only wants women who are slender, athletic, and 25 years younger than him.  There's a guy who better have a LOT of money!   Then there is the Harley and the hot car...  Well crap I bet that means you can't get it up if you have to show me what you own instead of who you are.  Then there are the masses who say they are educated but they can't string together two coherent sentences.  Or spell their name twice the same way.  Maybe I'm too cynical about men in general but I've seen few in my lifetime *****ally impressed me.  I have been lucky to have some wonderful male friends I like and respect but as soon as sexual attraction enters the picture the whole relationship has always deteriorated.

Ask for what you want and refuse to settle for less!

That trips me out the "few Extra pounds" guy who only wants slender or athletic.  A friend of mine suggested I remove some of my education and salary range because it might intimidate guys.  Well, the type of guy I am looking for would not let such a thing bother him.  If a guy has a pic of his car, house and/or boat I will not respond because to me that seems so shallow, and kind of screams "Im a dirt bag... My personality is jacked up so I have to impress you with my things"

I think being over weight as most of us have been or are on here makes us forget we can judge as well.  I may have been FAT but I knew what I wanted in a guy. Yes even looks somewhat mattered to me. I love a great smile so teeth were a big deal to me. Of course I didn't base my choice in guys on looks alone, but I do think its unfair to say they don't matter at all. Post all the pictures you want! Be proud of how you look and there are guys out there who are looking for just that. My husband couldn't be happier with how I look, but he supports me fully in my weight loss decision. He said he doesn't want me toooo skinny... Being post op its funny to think I could ever be too skinny. We'll see where the DS takes me.

Don't be afraid to see how amazing you look inside and out... and have fun in the dating world.

I dated a lot in the initial years after my surgery and I learned a lot about what I want, need, and expect; and also what is typical behavior in online dating (that is where I learned the most).  I'd encourage you to do the same. What my #1 take away from online dating is to put up a full picture of yourself and let people decide based on that. I think curvy was the right call FWIW. I remember vividly the day I felt like I could make my descriptor "average" and I thought no way but no one ever said "I'm sorry you should be ____" instead. Also, and I come from a pretty pragmatic place when it comes to online dating, the vast majority of people look at your pic and then maybe scan your narrative if they are interested. Don't waste time worrying about guys who want sticks or don't express interest in you...there are LOTS of fish in the online dating sea.

Over time you'll probably get more comfortable in your own skin. I found the mental part to be the biggest part. I can about 99.9% guarantee that you are being much more hard on yourself than any man would be. And if someone dares be mean to you, know that is about him and not you. Building confidence can be hard after living with the extra weight so long but well worth the investment in yourself. Remember, define your value internally and not by what strangers (and they are strangers) think. Good luck!