Mental health

I got my DS on October 16, 2012.   I have dropped approximately 75 pounds.  I feel the operation went very well. But my question is I feel like I can no longer tolerate the stress of my daily life.  I love my family very much, but I feel that I can no longer stay with them.  I have always had huge stress in my life I have a 13-year-old disabled daughter a long with the 12-year-old daughter and my wife is a press cancer survivor 10 years but. Unfortunately, the treatments damaged her heart and caused other problems.  By no means do I want to leave.  And I think if I do I could not live with myself.  But I feel that I do not have the patience to live with them either.  I feel that after the operation I am unable to tolerate the daily stress and problems of my life.  Has anyone else noticed that they do not have the same patience with others that they had before the operation?    Please understand that my life is very complicated and stressful having a 13-year-old daughter, who is nonverbal and not potty trained. And on top of that, having a wife with medical issues. Also.  Just putting it out there to see if anyone else feels that their mental well-being has changed since the operation?

Thank you

It sounds like you are dealing with tremendous stress at the same time you're trying to come to terms with your DS and a new way of living with our own body. Don't be ashamed of your doubts, you're human. I know I needed to concentrate on myself a lot the first year post-DS. I can totally understand and I hope you can find the support you need to help you through all this.

--gina

It sounds like the things you are dealing with would stress anyone out. Besides that, you are learning to deal with your new body... and body habits.

Also, if you are on an anti-depressant, the change in weight and the malabsorption with DS can change how they work.  And, if your vites are off balance it can make you feel crappy.

One thing that happens when we start to lose is our self esteem gets better. We start to value ourselves, and don't put up with things and people we used to because we don't have to settle for less than we deserve and desire.  A lot of people find their marriages aren't making them happy. Others (me included) make career changes.  I even went back to school ( I was too embarrased that I could not fit in the desks before wls).

Maybe you are dealing with a combination of things.

If you have the resources, consider seeing a counselor. If not seek out  a support group, or clergy member. It really does help.

Fat people settle.  That's all there is to it, we settle for less.  Weight loss leads us to want more.  I think it's pretty normal to want some of the things you have missed out on and to be not so pleased with your lot in life.  I wouldn't be happy in your position.  Few people would be.

If I was in your place, the first thing I would do is talk to your wife about your unhappiness and see if you can work it out.  Two brains are always better than one.  Maybe there are changes and compromises you can work on together.

I understand some of your situation.  I did elder care for more than 10 years.  When it was finally over and done with all I could really feel was relief.  It was finally finished and I had done my 'duty'.  Looking back, I would have done it differently.  And it would have been better for all concerned.  I paid far too much in the end.

I know I couldn't do what you are doing.  It's hard to be a superhero all the time!

I'm only just under 7 weeks out from surgery, I've lost 32 lbs, and even though I'm a generally more pleasant person to be around (according to EVERYONE I know), I've found that my stress levels haven't diminished at all.  If anything I've recently found myself depressed that I don't have more friends and people to talk to at this point in my life, and that certainly isn't helping.  I've settled for the attention that I could receive from anyone, and now that I'm losing, I'm kind of pissed that more people haven't been around to support or encourage me, or that more people didn't want to be my friends before now.  But that's a little different than what you're going through, for sure.  The point is, everything is changing, and though I'm glad with the surgery, I'm not happy with the mental and emotional results, though I'm sure that some of it (if not all) is due to my own making.  I don't really like people in general, and have grown cynical.  I think that will change in time, though.  But like it was said earlier, if you love your family, and I'm sure you do, talk with your wife, figure out where to go from here, and everything will work itself out.  It may not be the way you want it to, but it'll be the way it's supposed to be.  Hell, even I feel like I need someone or something other than my husband, and I love him to pieces and can't imagine my life without him, and we're not in the same situation you and your family are.  Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out the way it should.

Irish,

I have to commend you for being so honest and peeling down to your core just to type it. Hopefully you feel a little lighter in the heart and mind after you admitted these feelings.

I have a 13 year old. She is my youngest. I am also a nurse and what you have had to endure is a lifetime commitment. As far as that goes, that does not make you a bad person or father. You are normal. Heck, I remember changing my daughter's diapers at 2 years old and thinking, "God, are we ever going to move on from this?" What does your daughter do during the day? Is she under your care 24/7? On a nursing standpoint perhaps she needs a "break" from you too....she's a teenager now....I know I needed time away from my parents at that age..I know my daughter enjoys time away from me too.  I know she is non-verbal and wondering what they want is a whole other story but it is just a thought.

There has to be mental changes there Irish.....75 lbs in 3 months. WOW. And you are still going. Have you thought about perhaps going to your doc and talking about this to someone. You know, I am not one to take meds but that wouldn't stop me from taking a little anti depressant here or there...just to get me over a hump. You have to be going through emotional changes too.

There are days in which I just want to walk out the door and leave the hubby and kid for a few days or weeks....but I don't think that makes me a bad person, wife or mother. I just need a break. So with that said, I used to go out for a cig.....but I can't now so I will either go for a walk or a trip to Walgreens always saves the day for me. Keep us posted Irish.....good luck to you.

So many good answers already, so I'll try to keep this short.

Before your surgery, you were probably using food to comfort yourself and relieve some of the terrible stress you are under. Now, you have all the same stress and can't turn to food for comfort.

Losing weight is wonderful, but it doesn't change many of the realities of our lives. Your life sounds extremely stressful. If you are not already seeing someone, meaning a therapist of some sort, for assistance, now would be the time to start. Both therapy itself and also medications, if indicated for depression or anxiety, can make a world of difference. Again, they won't end the stresses in your life, but they can make you better able to deal with those stresses.

Larra

I want to thank everyone for their help and concern.  Thank you all for your suggestions.  Believe me when I put something out there like this. I do take everyone's comments seriously.  Just to answer a few questions that were bought up in the comments.  Yes we do get respite services for my daughter. But unfortunately they are not enough.  We live in Pennsylvania and the governor has cut the budget to our most vulnerable citizens. The disabled and elderly.   And yes I can go to talk to someone for counseling and it is helpful.  Just for background information. I served six years in the Marine Corps and there's not too much that gets to me.  But lately the stress has been getting to me.  I really do believe that parts of it are physical and mental. Due to the surgery.  I also believe that it will pass.  A total lifestyle change with my eating habits. On top of all the other things going on in my life seems to have caught up to me.  I always keep in mind what my father taught me growing up.  tough times don't last just tough people.   These are words to live by.  And pretty much and been able to pull myself through some pretty rough times.  One is thank you all for your help and suggestions and wish you and your families a happy, healthy and blessed new year.

There is also a hormonal increase of estrogen that is stored in the fat cells, and you are dealing with some of those issues on top of learning how to eat and then all the stress of your life. 

I'm not sure where in PA you are, but there is a DS group in Philly, they do dinners and such.

It does sound like you need an escape for a weekend if that's possible.  Congrats on the 75lbs. 

Wow Irish, you are a pretty neat person. You sure have a lot on your plate. One of my close friends has a disabled 12 year old who is nonverbal and not potty trained. He also is not mobile. He will be her forever child. She also has a 16-year-old with Asperger's and her husband recently walked out on them. We joke around about who she must have pissed off in a former life to end up with two disabled children to raise by herself (I should note that she does not resent her lot in life, but if you don't laugh sometimes you cry). However, one day as I was driving and thinking about her I realized why she has two disabled children...so I shared it with her. She has been given these two children because they need her. She cares for them with such love and patience in a way that most people could not. When I read your last post it made me suspect that you have been given your lot in life for the same reason. Because you are capable of doing what most people could not do.

I am blessed with two healthy children and there are still days (especially hormonal days) when I want to run away and live a single life again. But like you said, these times pass.

Make sure you take care of yourself. Is there something that would fill your bucket? I find that Yoga really centers me. It makes my body feel great and quiets my mind. Although I struggle with the fact that it takes away some of the time I have to spend with my family (which doesn't seem like enough since I am a working mom), when I am with them I am so much more relaxed and present.

All the best on your journey.