Dealing with attention - Question for the ladies
Hi Ladies,
Now I know this may not be surgery-related question, but I guess it is kind of related... So here goes!
How do you deal with unwanted attention from men since you've lost weight?
I mean gheeeeez, when I was a teenager I was always super jaleous of the pretty girls that got all the attention and often wondered how it felt to be them... But now that I've lost alot of weight, I find myself getting alot of unwanted attention (I'm sorry if this sounds pretentious because I honestly don't mean for it to come out this way)
I am just finding the whole situation very unconfortable, I mean it happens at work (some guy from work was stalking me online, asking me do to "things" with him - told him to stop or I would get him fired, he's now stopped), when I go out with friends I get groped quite often, ... I guess on some level it is flattering and somewhat better than being the 'fat girl' who no-one is attracted to, but at least people left me alone back then!! And just to point out, I am definately not the kind of girl who goes out wearing next to nothing, because that's not the case, I'm alway covered up (too self-conscious for that! lol)
Sorry for the rant
Sarah x
Now I know this may not be surgery-related question, but I guess it is kind of related... So here goes!
How do you deal with unwanted attention from men since you've lost weight?
I mean gheeeeez, when I was a teenager I was always super jaleous of the pretty girls that got all the attention and often wondered how it felt to be them... But now that I've lost alot of weight, I find myself getting alot of unwanted attention (I'm sorry if this sounds pretentious because I honestly don't mean for it to come out this way)
I am just finding the whole situation very unconfortable, I mean it happens at work (some guy from work was stalking me online, asking me do to "things" with him - told him to stop or I would get him fired, he's now stopped), when I go out with friends I get groped quite often, ... I guess on some level it is flattering and somewhat better than being the 'fat girl' who no-one is attracted to, but at least people left me alone back then!! And just to point out, I am definately not the kind of girl who goes out wearing next to nothing, because that's not the case, I'm alway covered up (too self-conscious for that! lol)
Sorry for the rant
Sarah x
P. Poster
on 10/17/12 11:49 pm
on 10/17/12 11:49 pm
Honestly? At first, I really liked the new attention. I found it flatering. Now? It actually kind of ****** me off... Why? Well, because Im STILL the same person I was when I was 300lbs. I just look different. If I wasnt worth your time and attention THEN, why the hell would I give you the time of day NOW? Most times, I just laugh at people because I honestly think its somewhat pathetic (I guess this is a good place to mention Im also married with a child) and these people will never have a shot with me. I think pick-up lines are hilarious too. I also spend a good bit of time flat out ignoring it, or blowing people off, which is easy to do being married... The GENUINE compliments- well, those I respond to with a simple "thank you" and then move on.
From another vew point- my husband says it makes him mad as well. Not mad that Im getting the attention. Mad that he knows those same men would have never spoken to me 150lbs ago. HE fell in love with me at 300lbs and always found me beautiful and sexy, so he has earned that right. To him, they have not, and he hates the "false" attention that it is (in a sense).
From another vew point- my husband says it makes him mad as well. Not mad that Im getting the attention. Mad that he knows those same men would have never spoken to me 150lbs ago. HE fell in love with me at 300lbs and always found me beautiful and sexy, so he has earned that right. To him, they have not, and he hates the "false" attention that it is (in a sense).
On October 18, 2012 at 6:49 AM Pacific Time, e******grl wrote:
Honestly? At first, I really liked the new attention. I found it flatering. Now? It actually kind of ****** me off... Why? Well, because Im STILL the same person I was when I was 300lbs. I just look different. If I wasnt worth your time and attention THEN, why the hell would I give you the time of day NOW? Most times, I just laugh at people because I honestly think its somewhat pathetic (I guess this is a good place to mention Im also married with a child) and these people will never have a shot with me. I think pick-up lines are hilarious too. I also spend a good bit of time flat out ignoring it, or blowing people off, which is easy to do being married... The GENUINE compliments- well, those I respond to with a simple "thank you" and then move on.From another vew point- my husband says it makes him mad as well. Not mad that Im getting the attention. Mad that he knows those same men would have never spoken to me 150lbs ago. HE fell in love with me at 300lbs and always found me beautiful and sexy, so he has earned that right. To him, they have not, and he hates the "false" attention that it is (in a sense).
*Like*!!
RNY 2/26/2002 DS 12/29/2011
HW 317 SW 263 BMI 45.1
SW 298 CW 192 BMI 32.9~60% EWL
LW 151 in 2003
TT 4/9/2003
Normal BMI 24.8 is my GOAL!!!
GBP (RNY) 2/26/02 298 lbs, TT 4/9/03 151 lbs, DS 12/29/11
HW 317 SW 263 BMI 45.1/CW 192 BMI 32.9/GW 145 ~ Normal BMI 24.8
**Revision Journey started 3/2009 Approved 12/12/11**
Even if you went out wearing a bikini, no one has the right to touch you in ways you don't give them permission to. When you get groped, look the guy in the eye and tell him to stop and leave you alone, or a good old fashioned slap across the face gets the same message across.
I would be careful that you aren't over-reacting to normal male attention though. If a guy from your work is asking you out and checking you out online and you threaten to get him fired, that is real fast way to get labeled as a ***** and difficult co-worker. Just politely and directly tell the person that you don't date people you work with, or that you are flattered but not interested.
In general, being direct and polite is the best approach.
I would be careful that you aren't over-reacting to normal male attention though. If a guy from your work is asking you out and checking you out online and you threaten to get him fired, that is real fast way to get labeled as a ***** and difficult co-worker. Just politely and directly tell the person that you don't date people you work with, or that you are flattered but not interested.
In general, being direct and polite is the best approach.
I had OHIP approved Duodenal Switch surgery with Dr. Dennis Hong at St. Joseph's Hamilton on March 7th, 2012. Want more information on the DS in Ontario? Send me a private message!
Frankly, I don't deal with male attention well at all. In fact, it frightens me, especially online. Here's why:
I went ahead and responded to an online inquiry, and the guy turned out to be a convicted rapist! I found this out buy doing my own background check, and ran across some court documents of his.
Next phone call, I asked him about it, he confirmed it, and that was that. I never spoke with him again, and I'll never do online dating again. This was with a company that was doing a lot of TV advertising, and sounded so credible.
As for attention in person, I generally just acknowledge it if I can't get around it, with a simple "thank you", and go about my business. I also sometimes wear a plain gold band, if I'm having a day where I really don't want to be bothered. Of course, nowadays, that doesn't even stop some guys from hitting on you anyway!
I just don't deal with men, period, unless I'm the initiator!
I went ahead and responded to an online inquiry, and the guy turned out to be a convicted rapist! I found this out buy doing my own background check, and ran across some court documents of his.
Next phone call, I asked him about it, he confirmed it, and that was that. I never spoke with him again, and I'll never do online dating again. This was with a company that was doing a lot of TV advertising, and sounded so credible.
As for attention in person, I generally just acknowledge it if I can't get around it, with a simple "thank you", and go about my business. I also sometimes wear a plain gold band, if I'm having a day where I really don't want to be bothered. Of course, nowadays, that doesn't even stop some guys from hitting on you anyway!
I just don't deal with men, period, unless I'm the initiator!
HW 405/SW 397/CW 138/GW 160 Do the research! Check the stats!
The DS is *THE* solution to Severe Morbid Obesity!
I'm happily married for 31 years, 52 years old, and STILL get hit on. I get eyed even when I'm not looking, my husband informs me. We go out to live rock bands at bars and I make sure I'm not out of his reach. HUGE change from 4 years ago at 250+ when I could do whatever I wanted and was totally invisible. Men were harmless back then. In some ways I miss that.
If you're single, learn the vacant stare. When you're out shopping or whatever, only look at what you are interested in. Don't look people in the eye unless you want to initiate conversation.
Go to a self-defense class. Learn how to defend yourself against unwanted touch. It's pretty easy to break a grown man's finger when you are being groped. A small person like me can take a man to the ground. You just have to be shown how.
Above all else, be verbal about unwanted attention. Tell someone immediately if you are ever groped again. That's what the bouncers are for in bars, for crying out loud. They like to do their jobs, too. You might even meet a nice guy who is a bouncer, if you're single.
Don't drink out of a glass you have left unattended. You all know the drill.
If you're single, learn the vacant stare. When you're out shopping or whatever, only look at what you are interested in. Don't look people in the eye unless you want to initiate conversation.
Go to a self-defense class. Learn how to defend yourself against unwanted touch. It's pretty easy to break a grown man's finger when you are being groped. A small person like me can take a man to the ground. You just have to be shown how.
Above all else, be verbal about unwanted attention. Tell someone immediately if you are ever groped again. That's what the bouncers are for in bars, for crying out loud. They like to do their jobs, too. You might even meet a nice guy who is a bouncer, if you're single.
Don't drink out of a glass you have left unattended. You all know the drill.
I. am. not. a. doctor.
HW 250ish SW 219 CW 110 LW 100
My advice is to be gracious to compliments and getting hit on. Something along the lines of "Thank you for such a nice compliment - but I'm rather attached to someone right now" if you're not interested, or drop off that last part if you are interested. Life is too short to be bitter about what they may or may not have done some 100+ lbs ago. People are shallow by nature, so don't write them off completely.
As for the gropiing -- OMG -- something along the lines of "UNACCEPTABLE! Surely you don't expect me to swoon over that, do you?"
As for the gropiing -- OMG -- something along the lines of "UNACCEPTABLE! Surely you don't expect me to swoon over that, do you?"
Valerie
DS 2005
There is room on this earth for all of God's creatures..
next to the mashed potatoes
Many Thanks for all the replies - it's been great reading all your feedback!!
@e******grl: " Im STILL the same person I was when I was 300lbs. I just look different"- I totally agree!! That really does **** me off at times, but sometimes I also ask myself "would I have dated my ex or someone else if they weighed an extra 100lbs when I first met them? And to be honest, as shallow and horrible as it may seem, probably not - I don't know it's very confusing!!
@PatXYZ "I would be careful that you aren't over-reacting to normal male attention though"- I agree also, however in relation to the guy from work, I don't beleive I over-reacted at all, I mean he was asking me if I wanted to have sex with him and when I said no, really not interested, he persisted, I blocked him, he created a new profile and carried messaging me very explicit stuff until I threatened to get him fired... Now he won't look me eye whenever I come accross him (I work in a very large place with 2000+ employees so don't see him alot, Thank God!) - but message received, he leaves me alone now
@JazzyOne9254 "the guy turned out to be a convicted rapist!"- OMG!!! Good on you for doing a background check, you can never be too careful!!!!
@Sheanie "Go to a self-defense class. Learn how to defend yourself against unwanted touch."- That's a great idea actually, I'll look into that thanks!!
@clutterbunny "Last year, I was told that with "those eyes and that ass" I should be able to get any man I want. That hasn't really worked out as predicted so I'm curious what will happen when this ass ain't what it used to be!"- Hahaha loved the comment - my ass has become as flat as a pancake, think some excercise might be required!!
@Valerie G. "As for the gropiing -- OMG -- something along the lines of "UNACCEPTABLE! Surely you don't expect me to swoon over that, do you?" - I have to say I loved your comment, sounds very classy, although I think coming from me the person would probably laugh, so I think I will stick with the very simple and somewhat effective "F*** off"!! not very ladylike but hey
Thanks again everyone, much appreciated!!!
@e******grl: " Im STILL the same person I was when I was 300lbs. I just look different"- I totally agree!! That really does **** me off at times, but sometimes I also ask myself "would I have dated my ex or someone else if they weighed an extra 100lbs when I first met them? And to be honest, as shallow and horrible as it may seem, probably not - I don't know it's very confusing!!
@PatXYZ "I would be careful that you aren't over-reacting to normal male attention though"- I agree also, however in relation to the guy from work, I don't beleive I over-reacted at all, I mean he was asking me if I wanted to have sex with him and when I said no, really not interested, he persisted, I blocked him, he created a new profile and carried messaging me very explicit stuff until I threatened to get him fired... Now he won't look me eye whenever I come accross him (I work in a very large place with 2000+ employees so don't see him alot, Thank God!) - but message received, he leaves me alone now
@JazzyOne9254 "the guy turned out to be a convicted rapist!"- OMG!!! Good on you for doing a background check, you can never be too careful!!!!
@Sheanie "Go to a self-defense class. Learn how to defend yourself against unwanted touch."- That's a great idea actually, I'll look into that thanks!!
@clutterbunny "Last year, I was told that with "those eyes and that ass" I should be able to get any man I want. That hasn't really worked out as predicted so I'm curious what will happen when this ass ain't what it used to be!"- Hahaha loved the comment - my ass has become as flat as a pancake, think some excercise might be required!!
@Valerie G. "As for the gropiing -- OMG -- something along the lines of "UNACCEPTABLE! Surely you don't expect me to swoon over that, do you?" - I have to say I loved your comment, sounds very classy, although I think coming from me the person would probably laugh, so I think I will stick with the very simple and somewhat effective "F*** off"!! not very ladylike but hey
Thanks again everyone, much appreciated!!!
puppysweets1
on 10/19/12 3:35 am - CA
on 10/19/12 3:35 am - CA
"so I think I will stick with the very simple and somewhat effective "F*** off"!! not very ladylike but hey "
Had to laugh as this would be my reaction too. Don't have to deal with men's advances very often - either their gaydar signals lesbian to them or maybe just not around men very often. Not that there aren't some dykes out their who can be very crass...
"Had to laugh as this would be my reaction too. Don't have to deal with men's advances very often - either their gaydar signals lesbian to them or maybe just not around men very often. Not that there aren't some dykes out their who can be very crass...
RNY to DS 210 lbs gone for 5 years.
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