Feeling sad
Hi everyone,
Not sure if this is even the right forum to post on...
I had my DS in december and everything has been going great, weightloss is good, health is good...However my marriage has gone really bad.
My husband thinks I've changed too much, he doens't like it and can't cope with it. On top of that we moved from England to Belgium not too long ago (to be closer to my family) and it's been really hard on him.
He's now told me that he doesn't think he wants to have children with me anymore, that he doenst like the confident person I've become, that I should stop losing weight and that he is going to move back to England within the next 2 weeks............ :(
On one hand I'm really sad (although I have seen this coming for a while) because we have been together for 6.5 years and I do love him, but on the other hand I alost feel relieved because I have been feeling really like he is trying to hold me back from enjoying my life.
Don't mean to rant on and on, but wanted to know if anyone here has experienced the same problem/relationship failure after undergoing wls?
Any advice/support would be really appreciated..
Sarah xx
Not sure if this is even the right forum to post on...
I had my DS in december and everything has been going great, weightloss is good, health is good...However my marriage has gone really bad.
My husband thinks I've changed too much, he doens't like it and can't cope with it. On top of that we moved from England to Belgium not too long ago (to be closer to my family) and it's been really hard on him.
He's now told me that he doesn't think he wants to have children with me anymore, that he doenst like the confident person I've become, that I should stop losing weight and that he is going to move back to England within the next 2 weeks............ :(
On one hand I'm really sad (although I have seen this coming for a while) because we have been together for 6.5 years and I do love him, but on the other hand I alost feel relieved because I have been feeling really like he is trying to hold me back from enjoying my life.
Don't mean to rant on and on, but wanted to know if anyone here has experienced the same problem/relationship failure after undergoing wls?
Any advice/support would be really appreciated..
Sarah xx
Sorry to hear this.. But I'm just goin to be blunt.. Be who you are and do what makes you happy.. If he can't handle you being confident and the person you are... Then I think that's enough to know what choice to make.. Second I wouldnt even consider having children with someone who told me that.. Children are a product of their environment... 1st I wouldnt want a man around my children who disrespects who I'am and I wouldn't want my daughter to think its acceptable to be treated like that from a man or my son to think its ok to disrespect woman.. Just my opinion.. Good luck.. You know in heart what's right.. Don't ever let anyone treat you less than your worth.. Life is short.. Be happy and don't let others bring you down.. If he loved you he would accept the changes and you both could adjust to them together!! Stay strong!
SW 314-- CW 170-- GW 155 HT 5'7" I love my DS !!
I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.
It sounds like your marriage was built on a weak foundation. He wanted/needed someone lacking in self-confidence, someone whose outlook was limited in some way, in your case, by your weight. Now that you are changing and gaining confidence and able to do more and be more, you would think someone *****ally loved you would be happy for you, but that isn't his reaction.
Unless he is willing to get counseling and figure out why your positive changes are so threatening to him, the relationship, such as it was, will not last. Hopefully you will be able to accept this as something leading to better things in your life.
Larra
It sounds like your marriage was built on a weak foundation. He wanted/needed someone lacking in self-confidence, someone whose outlook was limited in some way, in your case, by your weight. Now that you are changing and gaining confidence and able to do more and be more, you would think someone *****ally loved you would be happy for you, but that isn't his reaction.
Unless he is willing to get counseling and figure out why your positive changes are so threatening to him, the relationship, such as it was, will not last. Hopefully you will be able to accept this as something leading to better things in your life.
Larra
Someone once posted on this site, in regards to relationships and marriage changes post-op, that the effect depends directly upon your relationship pre-op. If your relationship/marriage was strong prior, it will be even stronger after . . . . if it was weak prior, it will grow weaker and disintegrate afterward.
You have already said you saw it coming for a while . . . could that be before you had surgery and began losing the weight? It doesn't make your husband a terrible person, just someone who can't deal with the real you. It's possible he married the "safe" you . . . I don't know, but at least he's trying to be honest with you about it. The best thing you can do at this point and moving forward is be honest with yourself in everything you do and make the best decisions you can for you - and some of those decisions will be really difficult. One of those decisions may be that if he chooses to go - do you hold on to him or let him go?
I know you love him, but do you love yourself enough to not settle for someone who doesn't fully love you? I'll be honest, I've not been married so I have not had to face anything like this, but in my mind, if he fully loved you . . . all of you . . . he would love you even more for the direction your life is taking and your courage to do so. If he has a problem with that (as he has said he does), there was already something lacking on his part and you both deserve better - someone who wants you just as much as you want them. You deserved better initially, perhaps you just didn't realize it.
If you go your separate ways, it is not a failure on anyone's part . . . perhaps just means that it was time and you were both strong enough to deal with it. Right or wrong, it is a difficult situation to deal with and I wish you the best as you walk through each day of your new life.
JoAnn
You have already said you saw it coming for a while . . . could that be before you had surgery and began losing the weight? It doesn't make your husband a terrible person, just someone who can't deal with the real you. It's possible he married the "safe" you . . . I don't know, but at least he's trying to be honest with you about it. The best thing you can do at this point and moving forward is be honest with yourself in everything you do and make the best decisions you can for you - and some of those decisions will be really difficult. One of those decisions may be that if he chooses to go - do you hold on to him or let him go?
I know you love him, but do you love yourself enough to not settle for someone who doesn't fully love you? I'll be honest, I've not been married so I have not had to face anything like this, but in my mind, if he fully loved you . . . all of you . . . he would love you even more for the direction your life is taking and your courage to do so. If he has a problem with that (as he has said he does), there was already something lacking on his part and you both deserve better - someone who wants you just as much as you want them. You deserved better initially, perhaps you just didn't realize it.
If you go your separate ways, it is not a failure on anyone's part . . . perhaps just means that it was time and you were both strong enough to deal with it. Right or wrong, it is a difficult situation to deal with and I wish you the best as you walk through each day of your new life.
JoAnn
Diva Jojo: SW: 440lbs -- CW: 274lbs -- GW: 240lbs
Sarah,
I'm so sad to hear what's going on. I think the suggestion of counseling is a great one if he's willing to try. Hopefully he will be open to that.
One thing that comes to mind is that you are only 6 months out and your changes are only really beginning. You are going to continue to change and grow - and shine. If there are problems now, they will continue to grow if the 2 of you can't deal with them and resolve them.
I went through a divorce several years ago, and while our issues weren't a result of a wls, the thing that happened after our divorce was that I changed, and had a really explosive period of growth (both personally and professionally) that I never would have had if I were still with him.
Good luck to you.
I'm so sad to hear what's going on. I think the suggestion of counseling is a great one if he's willing to try. Hopefully he will be open to that.
One thing that comes to mind is that you are only 6 months out and your changes are only really beginning. You are going to continue to change and grow - and shine. If there are problems now, they will continue to grow if the 2 of you can't deal with them and resolve them.
I went through a divorce several years ago, and while our issues weren't a result of a wls, the thing that happened after our divorce was that I changed, and had a really explosive period of growth (both personally and professionally) that I never would have had if I were still with him.
Good luck to you.
My long term relationship ended and I spent two years just working on me and learning to be thin. For the last 7 months I've been dating a wonderful guy who never knew me heavy.
I chose to end my former relationship but have certainly read of stories like yours. Would he consider couples counseling? He is showing his own insecuriity.
Good luck to you.
Becky
I chose to end my former relationship but have certainly read of stories like yours. Would he consider couples counseling? He is showing his own insecuriity.
Good luck to you.
Becky
Pretty_Pearls_3114
on 5/25/12 11:34 pm
on 5/25/12 11:34 pm
Hello Sarah....
(((((((HUGS)))))) Weight loss and relationships seem to be an issue...if your marriage was solid before weight loss it should remain the same or stronger....if your marriage was rocky before weight loss it might not survive after weight loss!! The new you is more confident and out there so maybe hubby cannot handle it!! Be yourself and get to know who Sarah is!! It is sad that you invested 6.5 years granted but feelings can change on their own, it just seems weight loss magnifies the situation!! I hope this works out for you either way you have the right to live your life to the fullest!! Good Luck
(((((((HUGS)))))) Weight loss and relationships seem to be an issue...if your marriage was solid before weight loss it should remain the same or stronger....if your marriage was rocky before weight loss it might not survive after weight loss!! The new you is more confident and out there so maybe hubby cannot handle it!! Be yourself and get to know who Sarah is!! It is sad that you invested 6.5 years granted but feelings can change on their own, it just seems weight loss magnifies the situation!! I hope this works out for you either way you have the right to live your life to the fullest!! Good Luck
Pearla 
I would just like to say a big THANK YOU for the replies I have received following this post! I apologize for the late reply but life has been so hectic!!
So my husband has now left and moved back to England and I am doing FINE! I think I was more sad about the thought of him leaving than him actually leaving. I feel like a dark cloud has lifted and I am now focusing on myself and my family around me.
Again, thank you so much for the kind words, you'll never know how much they helped me
Sarah xxx
So my husband has now left and moved back to England and I am doing FINE! I think I was more sad about the thought of him leaving than him actually leaving. I feel like a dark cloud has lifted and I am now focusing on myself and my family around me.
Again, thank you so much for the kind words, you'll never know how much they helped me
Sarah xxx
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