Returning from my hiatus . . .

 . . . or should I say "Hi-anus (pitiful pun, yeah . . . I know.)  Hope you all are doing well and the new year is treating you right so far.  Well, let me get caught up . . .

Long story short, I was broad-sided by a lovely anal fissure at the end of June which I attribute to foolishly going all ginsu on my vites getting back on track cold turkey as opposed to stair-stepping it gradually.  Tried to do the medical route, and did have some improvement for the first couple of months, then things turned sour for apparently no other reason than my body wasn't cooperating.  It actually was getting worse and more painful.

I was religious with the soaks, ointments, water, stool softeners, fiber . . . everything that contributed to the initial improvement just stopped working.  Had LIS on November 15th and have had no pain or bleeding since then . . . nothing more than tenderness if I eat poorly and cause multiple bowel movements in a day.  Had my three month follow up last week and CSR says I'm healed up nicely and we can now talk when to schedule my regular colonoscopy.
I'm still soaking at least once per day  and benefiber/miralax are a daily part of my regimen.  But I will say that this occurrence put the fear of God (or should I say the fear of Poop) in me and while I know Miralax will be in my life . . . for life . . . I have been keeping my stools still very soft and one dilemma I'm having is I'M STILL TERRIFIED OF TAKING THE CALCIUM!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I know the importance and am taking it, but that fissure CHANGED MY LIFE and I'm absolutely terrified of getting constipated again.  So much so that I'm not even up to my full dose of calcium yet and consistently take just more than 1/2, which I know is better than nothing, but not enough.  I do struggle with even that cuz I'm just literally terrified of a reoccurrence. 

While I've not have any even moderate pain and no bleeding, there is a definite discomfort, like minor burning and swelling, when I have even a moderately formed stool.  You LIS vets, Is that normal?  I mean, I've kept things so soft for months, I'm assuming perhaps the area needs to adjust to the natural stretching of a normally formed stool and while the initial damage may be healed, I know it takes months to a year or more for complete healing?

I find now that my biggest obstacle is getting over the fear of taking the calcium.  If I'd read this in anyone else's post before June, I would have said it was an irrational fear . . . but having experienced a fissure . . . I KNOW better.  I mean, logically I KNOW that the only thing I can do is increase my calcium one pill at a time, monitor the effect and adjust my fiber, water, fat & miralax/etc. accordingly.  But I can't get over the SHEER TERROR of a reoccurrence.  I mean, I had only one memory of being constipated in my brain from the past 30 years and suddenly I was so backed up that it took over a week of heavy duty stool softeners, water, fiber and eventually double doses of miralax to break through it . . . and I honestly, literally don't know if I could handle it again.

I really should stop promising "long story short" cuz I tell a lie every time.  Once it starts coming out, just have to keep going until it stops (hmmm, I sense a theme here).  Guess I just needed to vent.  But would appreciate any words of wisdom for mentally/emotional conquering the calcium demon post fissure trauma from those of you who have been through it.

Thanks for listening,
Jojo

>>I KNOW that the only thing I can do is increase my calcium one pill at a time, monitor the effect and adjust my fiber, water, fat & miralax/etc. accordingly.