Moving On

The time has come for me to venture out in life on my own! After 5 years (3 of it living together) my boyfriend and I broke up this past week. This has been a long time coming as I have been unhappy for over a year now. I am nervous but excited at the same time to be moving on in life.

This really is the best for the both of us.  I know he can't understand at all why, but I am really hoping that one day he will understand. 

WIshing you all the best as you get your footing and move on to the next chapter of your life.

--gina
 

 I don't remember how old you said you were, but I can tell you that choosing to move forward from a long-term relationship is an act of bravery.  I mention age because I met my husband when I was only 25 and married him 3 years later.  But before meeting him, I'd been in a longer term relationship and I remember the pain of ending it.  It was scary--I had no idea what life would be like outside of that relationship.  And part of my identity was mixed with the "we" that we were.  And the person I broke up with never did get it--until he was married with kids of his own.  Slowly I moved on, I grew tremendously, and I found that I emerged much stronger than before.  I actually liked myself better on my own.  I know you love to run--and I did too at the time ****il a freak accident that tore a tendon in my food caused me to have to give up running).  I found a solace in running--it took me to a higher ground, like a place of meditation.  I know that running helped me move forward (both laterally and figuratively).   I hope it helps you too.

He may never understand the break up.  Some guys just don't get it.  But you have to do what's best for yourself.  I commend you for your strength and courage to move forward.

Good luck.
Sheri  

Sheri:

I am 26 (I turn 27 in March).  This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I know without a doubt he is not the right person for me.  Over the past year he has become extremely possessive and controlling over me.  

It would be MUCH easier to stay in the relationship.  Everyone we know is 100% shocked that our relationship has ended.  His family is devestated.  It would be so much easier to just stay and make everyone else happy, but I would have had a miserable life.  It took me almost two years to realize that I deserve better.  For the past two years I feels as though I have been standing in a crowded room screaming about my relationship and no one has heard me!  Once I finally broke up with him, instantly this huge weight felt like it was gone from my shoulders! 

I am semi terrified to live alone, as I have never done that before.  Since moving out of my parents house at 18 years old, I have always lived with roommates and then my ex.  So, this will be the first time I ever live alone.  Luckily, I have the best guard dog one could ask for so she will be my roommate now. 

 Well, your timing for a break up couldn't be better!!!  I have several friends who are my age (37) who waited years longer than you to break up (or to have the guy break up with them) and they are stuck with that feeling that they wasted some special years.  Their relationships all showed signs that they were going nowhere, but they allowed themselves to hang on because it felt easier, safer, and they didn't want to take the risk.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being single at 37, but I can't help but feel like they did waste some really special years in their lives with men who weren't worth their time.  Your 20's through 30 or so are so cool--you're still considered young enough to make mistakes and then fix them.  There is little pressure to get married (from society) or to have kids.  You can focus on what matters most to you during this time.  Having a possessive, controlling person in your life really stunts your growth.  I was lucky my husband is ANYTHING but controlling or possessive so I've continued to grow as the years move onward.  I'm a different person today than I was almost 12 years ago when we met.  You will meet so many people in the next few years--it'll be a really exciting time for you.  

You're lucky to have your canine pal to keep company and safe.  Did you ever think you might want to get another roommate for companionship?  I've never really lived alone either. Even when I had my own apartment, I always seemed to be sleeping at someone else's house (mainly my now-husband's place).  But I think I would have done fine on my own too as long as I had a dog with me.  
My friends all seem to enjoy living on their own--so I'm thinking I would have liked it as well.

Things will be fine.  You'll go through ups and downs and in the end you'll adjust and come out a stronger woman.  I'm actually excited for you!

Sheri

Meghan I commend you for taking this step necessary if it wasn't right for you. It is a tough to do but you need and deserve to be happy.

I see you mention a weight was lifted off your shoulders. I understand having gone through a divorce in 2011 I didn't realize how much stress and unhappiness I had in my marriage until my divorce was final.

I wish you the best!

Meghan,
I bet you will do grand ! Keep your positive attitude and keep on moving forward. Glad you have a good guard dog to make you feel more comfy. 

I got a divorce 1 year after my DS...one of the best decisions I ever made. I care about him, but the love died a long time ago.  I too felt as if a weight lifted off my shoulders.  I was unhappy most of my nearly 20 years of marriage to him.  I was nearly 41 when we got divorced.  I'm living life again and couldn't be happier.

I wish you tons of happiness sweety.  Hugs, Felicia

Meghan, I'm sending you lots of cyber hugs and support. No one should ever have to feel like they are being controlled.  Watch out though and be prepared for him to come back to you with a story of how he is going to "change" for you.  You'll probably have to say "no" several times and it won't be easy. I agree with Sheri, you are going to emerge a stronger woman when all is said and done. 

-wishing you all the best, Jenny 

I ended a many year live-in relationship about a year post-op.  It was hard, but like you, I knew it was the right thing.

I lived alone for a year in the house we had shared, then I moved and lived alone closer to my children.  Just three months ago I met a wonderful guy and am very happy.

Take your time.  Get counseling if you need it.  Or go to a divorce support group. 

And here's a couple of books that have been very helpful to me that I recommend:

The Mastery of Love and The Four Agreements by Ruiz. 

You are going to be better than ever !!!

~Becky