It sent me right back to the playground

I'm only 6 days away from my DS (yahoo). But, the emotions are almost unbearable and some people's timing is really bad. Here's what happened at work today. Mind you, no one at work knows about my surgery or plans. There are quite a few young men who sit in my area of the office. They started talking about some "cows" and "fatties" they knew who were this and that and how a girl "like that" doesn't have a right to be mean or demanding. Mind you these guys are always kind and respectful to me (most of the people in the office call me Mama cause I spoil them with treats and such). However, this conversation I over heard sucked me right back to elementary school when the kids would chant "fatty, fatty two by four" on the playground. Or when I'd meet a blind date and the look of disappointment in his eyes. Even my own relatives with their pitying looks. I spent a half an hour in the bathroom crying because I felt those feelings so strong again.
I feel like this surgery will fix the outside of me and fool people I meet from now on. But, I fear I will always be that "fatty" and never be aabel to forget the pain of the last 45years.
Why is it I know people are cruel and have no right to say things like that, but it still sucks me right back into the shame and embarassment?

Just reading this post brought back my own horrible memories from elementary school.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

The years of shame really have taught us to see ourselves as our weight haven't they? You're not, you know. Even now before the weight is gone you are still not "fatty", you are a whole human being with beauty and strengths.

I think it will take time for those scars to heal. I have started to feel better about myself, to finally see myself as not a "fatty", but like many wounds these will probably get re-awakened from time to time. Be kind to yourself, don't allow yourself to call you names - and if you need to see a therapist during this journey, know you'll be far from the only one. I have been seeing one since pre-op.

Good luck in your surgery and recuperation (and that's another time to be kind to yourself: when you're recuperating...don't expect too much of yourself).

It may help you to know that the emotions you are dealing with are very normal leading up to your DS.  I almost dismembered several of my staff 6 days prior to mine.  It's a very very stressful time in your life, so don't feel like you're abnormal in any way.

As for the scars and pain we carry from the abuse (both psychological and/or physical) at being overweight, I don't believe they ever go away, we just learn to live with them better.  People are cruel but they are also capable of infinite compassion and kindness.  The cruel ones just seem to stand out more, especially when we're feeling vulnerable. 

It's going to take time to change the way you think about yourself, I know I will struggle with it too (I'm only 4 wks post DS), but I am confident that with our own inner strength and the help of friends both online and off, we can both do it.  

I hate it even more now.. once you're not so fat any more people think it's ok to openly make fun of fat people in front of you.  People who don't know you were ever that big.. I've had that happen several times now. 

 I fantasize about being thin, and when someone tries to talk about heavy people in this manner to me, I would look shocked and saying, "my goodness, I had no idea you were so shallow and cruel!" I may do it some day, just to see the look on their face. The thought really appeals to me.

Seriously, though, I see a therapist weekly, and I am working out my issues about my self image there. If it is bothering you as much after you get through the last few days before your surgery, which I hear are emotional from everybody, I strongly suggest getting a therapist. They are like the perfect best-friend listener, who goes home at the end of the day and doesn't speak to anyone you know.

 I think (looking at it before hand) that when I am totally OK on the subject, I will still be sensitive to these things, because I will have learned the hard way how cruel they are being to the person they are talking about. I wouldn't want to lose that sensitivity. I earned my right not to be callous toward heavy people! But ideally, I wouldn't personalize it (other than to use myself as an example while telling them why I am offended, if I choose to do so) and I wouldn't have to go back to my version of the playground, which was junior high school. It was a living hell for me. But it is in the past, and I choose to leave it there.

This will change and evolve, but there's always going to be that feeling. I don't want it to completely go away. I want to remember and to have compassion, love, unconditionally for those around me who suffer as I have and did.

This is one amazing journey.

I'm so sorry this happened to you today... Hugs...

I do understand how it can hurt. But I beat the **** out of any girl OR guy who called me fatty. I trash talked and defended myself from 1st grade. My grandfather was a boxer, and thought it was cute for me to have a few moves.
I ended up with a few guy friends, and in higher grades some female friends too. I was always somewhat fat, but didn't see when I looked at myself in the mirror. So I just felt they were being ******** not that they were RIGHT!
Ahhhhhhhh, the days of denial!  I had boyfriends in high school, and beyond, got married a time or two, and just lived my life.
I got massively fat, ( my own viewpoint) in my 40's. Instead of 160 pounds of cute curves, I ended up at top 296. I hated my life, and the 2 things that really woke me up ( no not the fat huge dresses I wore, or people's comments, or even my husband's fear that I would die and leave him) were that I couldn't walk into the jungle for a tour of beautiful Mayan ruins during a great family cruise and, that I couldn't fit in a booth in any resturant in my hometown. Talk about belly fat.
I am 56 now, had surgery just before 50, andI KNOW  you will feel good. You will always be the person who is the accumulation of all that has gone into making you the decent, deserving, caring human being you are now. But you may feel more satisfied with yourself when you lose enough to notice and feel better phsycally (sp?) . I see my husband still hanging out with me, and my kids stopped thinking I was going to have a heart attack while walking through Walmart!
Now for the comments, why not simply say....my friends, you are really saying harsh words that hurt me, and anyone one else that may be fat, and certainly doesn't dovetail with the kind-hearted guys you always thought they were.
It may change something, but maybethey will at least choose a different venue for those type conversations. Just treat them as usual after you've had your say.
I will be thinking of you. Please send me a message on here if you ever wanna chat.
Best wishes, Sally

I know how stressed you are about the surgery and everyone here is right - that is totally normal.  Don't panic or expect too much of yourself, try to relax and get areas ready for you to be comfortable when you come home (like a La-Z-Boy near a TV and a bathroom). 

As for the teasing - I was constantly made fun of in grade school for being overweight too.  But it taught me to not give a **** what others say/think.  What has been the result?  Out of nearly everyone from my high school graduating class, I am one of the only females that is an executive, goes in to c-level meetings, and brings home some nice checks.  It made me not care what people thought when I came out of the closet to be with the love of my life, and made me not care about others thoughts when we had a child this past year.

The way I see it - this is these guys battle - not yours.  If you want to, speak up.  I actually said something along the lines of "you couldn't hit that if you wanted to" to a group of guys in an office that were saying something similar.  You wouldn't believe how much they blushed.

You can take this too ways - you can either let other people (in the past or present) control you, or you can control the situation and get tougher.  The world will always find something to tear you down, it's not going to always be weight.  You have to be strong and not give those people the power to live in your head rent-free.