Did anyone else have this pre-surgical fear?

I think a lot of people use their fat as a protective barrier, I know I did/do, and that can be hard to get rid of.  I was raped at the age of 13 by someone I knew and trusted and since then I have continued to put on weight.  Even though I hate that I'm fat I understand that I use it as a way to shielf myself from others and protect myself.  I was also mental and physically abused as a child and I turned to food.  I've gone through a lot of counseling but there's still a part of me that is scared to interact with the rest of the world as a thin person, but there's also that part of me that can't wait to see what it's like to be "normal".  I think this is a competely normal fear for many people but it's good to talk about and be aware of it within yourself.