Newbie advice from a crap DSer about poo.
Goodkel has it in the bag so I thought I'd handle the other end of the digestive tract seeing I've manged to experience all scatology moments associated with the DS.
The myth: THE DS MAKES YOU FART AND **** UNCONTROLLABLY ONE MILLION TIMES A DAY UNTIL YOUR BUM HOLE CRUMBLES AND BLOWS AWAY IN THE DOWN DRAFT.
Ummm no. Ok maybe I do but I ate an entire packet of Percy pigs, a family block of whole nut chocolate and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. I farted so much the dogs were beating their little heads against the back door to get out. I then proceeded to re-enact the IRA dirty protests of the 1980's in a condensed and very painful 5 seconds. That is the opposite way to eat if you have a DS. As well all know I'm a bit of a wanker and can't be told....or won't listen. Either way I pay for my behavior and often regret it.
If you eat like this you will:
a) fart and peel paint. It smells like the most vile thing in the known world and I've smelt corpses that have been dead for over a month and STILL my farts are worse post crap eating fest!
b) you will **** like a sea gull. It will be a tide of piping hot vile and you'll probably have to go between 5-10 times a day if this is your base line.
c) you'll feel pretty washed out and crappy and you may regain.
Now if you redeem yourself by NOT EATING LIKE A BUSH PIG (as I have been trying to do OINK) and instead have your massive t-bone steak cooked in 100gs of butter with garlic washed down with your Champion whey stack chocolate protein shake then you will:
a)have two poos a day. These will consist of one BIG poo fist thing in the morning then followed by another loose poo that is coming from somewhere under your second rib. You will make a hollow ocarina noise if anyone blows up your nose.
b) You will have relatively formed stools as opposed to a liquid chocolate or beige river of hissing bum acid.
c) you won't have to wipe your arse so much it erodes.
d) you'll only fart on rare occasions...say a couple of times a day. They still smell but not terrifyingly offensive like after eating white processed carbs...remember the corpse.......
DSERS **** THEMSELVES.
I only did it once...and that was because I thought I could hold on until I got home (25min drive). I hadn't had my morning poo and I had to abandon the car and run up a hill in my pajamas in the snow and **** for Britain. What is worse is I had to wipe my arse with snow and all it did was smear the evil about. We drove home with the windows wound down and David in the horrors that germs were come to get him (I had to disinfect the entire car with alco gel before the big **** would touch any surface). I also had to boil was my best pajama pants. Bugger! The moral of the story is: Don't eat lasagna the night before and avoid your morning crap in order to be on time to pick up your germ-a-phobic boyfriend. You will **** yourself.
The other time was the first month out and I had tried tomato soup. DON'T EAT TOMATO SOUP FIRST MONTH OUT! I got the dreaded oil slicks from it (and various other pasta sauces). I rue the day I didn't hedge my bets and head to the loo.
So in summary:
a) just have your morning **** and don't dick about or at some point you'll **** yourself. The back pressure of allllll that waste will no longer let you hold on and on and on. We empty when our bodies tell us to not the other way around.
b)Always carry wet wipes in case you eat Percy pigs and have to **** behind a tree after four or more hours on a boat.
c) I find car deodorizer sprays work better then anything for neutralizing odors. I got hold of Jellybean flavored ones from the local service station and they fit my pure perfectly and no matter how toxic my poo it always ends up smelling like flowers.
Finally your **** will look weird! You may have almost white poo, some have bright yellow, others go green, some go almost black. Your iron and your vites will change your color and consistency. If you get constipation it is prudent to use a stool softener daily aas part of your regiume as well as increasing your magnesium intake.
Good luck and happy crapping!
The myth: THE DS MAKES YOU FART AND **** UNCONTROLLABLY ONE MILLION TIMES A DAY UNTIL YOUR BUM HOLE CRUMBLES AND BLOWS AWAY IN THE DOWN DRAFT.
Ummm no. Ok maybe I do but I ate an entire packet of Percy pigs, a family block of whole nut chocolate and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. I farted so much the dogs were beating their little heads against the back door to get out. I then proceeded to re-enact the IRA dirty protests of the 1980's in a condensed and very painful 5 seconds. That is the opposite way to eat if you have a DS. As well all know I'm a bit of a wanker and can't be told....or won't listen. Either way I pay for my behavior and often regret it.
If you eat like this you will:
a) fart and peel paint. It smells like the most vile thing in the known world and I've smelt corpses that have been dead for over a month and STILL my farts are worse post crap eating fest!
b) you will **** like a sea gull. It will be a tide of piping hot vile and you'll probably have to go between 5-10 times a day if this is your base line.
c) you'll feel pretty washed out and crappy and you may regain.
Now if you redeem yourself by NOT EATING LIKE A BUSH PIG (as I have been trying to do OINK) and instead have your massive t-bone steak cooked in 100gs of butter with garlic washed down with your Champion whey stack chocolate protein shake then you will:
a)have two poos a day. These will consist of one BIG poo fist thing in the morning then followed by another loose poo that is coming from somewhere under your second rib. You will make a hollow ocarina noise if anyone blows up your nose.
b) You will have relatively formed stools as opposed to a liquid chocolate or beige river of hissing bum acid.
c) you won't have to wipe your arse so much it erodes.
d) you'll only fart on rare occasions...say a couple of times a day. They still smell but not terrifyingly offensive like after eating white processed carbs...remember the corpse.......
DSERS **** THEMSELVES.
I only did it once...and that was because I thought I could hold on until I got home (25min drive). I hadn't had my morning poo and I had to abandon the car and run up a hill in my pajamas in the snow and **** for Britain. What is worse is I had to wipe my arse with snow and all it did was smear the evil about. We drove home with the windows wound down and David in the horrors that germs were come to get him (I had to disinfect the entire car with alco gel before the big **** would touch any surface). I also had to boil was my best pajama pants. Bugger! The moral of the story is: Don't eat lasagna the night before and avoid your morning crap in order to be on time to pick up your germ-a-phobic boyfriend. You will **** yourself.
The other time was the first month out and I had tried tomato soup. DON'T EAT TOMATO SOUP FIRST MONTH OUT! I got the dreaded oil slicks from it (and various other pasta sauces). I rue the day I didn't hedge my bets and head to the loo.
So in summary:
a) just have your morning **** and don't dick about or at some point you'll **** yourself. The back pressure of allllll that waste will no longer let you hold on and on and on. We empty when our bodies tell us to not the other way around.
b)Always carry wet wipes in case you eat Percy pigs and have to **** behind a tree after four or more hours on a boat.
c) I find car deodorizer sprays work better then anything for neutralizing odors. I got hold of Jellybean flavored ones from the local service station and they fit my pure perfectly and no matter how toxic my poo it always ends up smelling like flowers.
Finally your **** will look weird! You may have almost white poo, some have bright yellow, others go green, some go almost black. Your iron and your vites will change your color and consistency. If you get constipation it is prudent to use a stool softener daily aas part of your regiume as well as increasing your magnesium intake.
Good luck and happy crapping!
RIP Mickie aka Happychick. You will be missed deeply.
I have tears running down my face and my customers are looking at me funny. Note: do not read Kirmy posts when out on the reference desk. OMG.
Excellent advice, BTW. Or maybe we should call it ASS-vice?
Excellent advice, BTW. Or maybe we should call it ASS-vice?
-EJ 
"If television's a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up." -cat and girl
5'6" HW 325 / SW 317 / CW 214 / First Goal 190 | Century Club 09/19/2011
"If television's a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up." -cat and girl
5'6" HW 325 / SW 317 / CW 214 / First Goal 190 | Century Club 09/19/2011
School librarian! You guys always impress me so much... teaching AND librarianing?! I couldn't handle it. Lovely to meet you, too.
-EJ
"If television's a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up." -cat and girl
5'6" HW 325 / SW 317 / CW 214 / First Goal 190 | Century Club 09/19/2011
"If television's a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up." -cat and girl
5'6" HW 325 / SW 317 / CW 214 / First Goal 190 | Century Club 09/19/2011
OK, DO NOT write like that without giving a warning first. I am sitting at my tax/audit firm which is VERRRYYY quiet and I cannot belly laugh without people looking at me like I have two heads. 
From a newbie, thank you for a very informative post. That is very useful information and I will tuck it away for future reference.
From a newbie, thank you for a very informative post. That is very useful information and I will tuck it away for future reference.
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