Are you better at setting boundaries now?

I'm just getting old and cranky and looking good doing it....sort of a caricature of Maxine but not as crabby and much more healthy.  *lol* 

I think you make a very good point Julie..alot of people have the old "you're not as nice now you've lost weight" thrown at them...me included. But you know what, TOUGH ****because that just means we are now being authentic to ourselves...we are putting our needs on our list, making sure that we respond to others in a way that is true to our core beliefs as opposed to responding in a way that allows us to be as unobtrusive as possible. I'm not sure how I thought i was being unobtrusive at 280lbs anyway lol!!

I have a good frend of over 25 yrs and she came out to visit me last year on vacation. I was so excited, we were going to south beach and shopping etc. But it just didnt feel right anymore...when she got home she sent me this long rather patronising email about how I've changed since i lost weight and I am not the same anymmore.
I didnt respond straight away and spent a couple of weeks thinking on this....eventually I responded that we all change over time, or we should...it's called self development and I did not plan to halt mydevelopment just so that those around me could continue to feel good about themselves. In the last 3.5 yrs I have lost 145lbs,dealt with hospitalisations for complications, lost my husband in sudden and tragic cir****tances, been left to run a business that was in debt and live in a foreign country on my own with no family around me....so I guess most people would change under those cir****tances.
I now see that we were friends for a long time...on her home ground..I was her cliched fat friend...and now I am not.
Good for you Julie, would have loved to see that kids face!!  Yorkie xx

Exactly, Yorkie.
Do you think that your life experiences - the negatives as well as the positives - have also helped you be more assertive and true to yourself?

Hi Julie,
I think they have you know.......
Having surgery put me on a level playing field really...it allowed me to feel "good enough" and not feel like my weight was making people ignore my opinion etc.

Losing the weight, dealing with the complications from surgery and then losing mat and having all the business stuff to deal with has made me learn to rely on myself and to manage my stress and anxiey without resorting to food etc. It has also made me get to the point where I am less of a people pleaser...I am not quite there yet but it is something I work on every day. I now try and stay "in the moment" and worry less about what I can't control and take one day at a time...

You are always such a reflective and thoughtful person and I always enjoy our exchanges...we are all on our own individual journeys and its nice to have these opportunities to discuss stuff like this...others who havent got a DS wouldnt understand our ruminations so its great we are always support toach other...

Hugs, Yorkie xx

This reminds me of one of my favorite sayings:  "Friends are friends for a "reason", a "season", or for a "lifetime".  This has helped me in not grieving for lost friendships.

Donna

I think a lot of my inability to set healthy boundaries was brought on by my fear of what people thought about me and not wanting their illusion of me (that I placed in my head that they were thinking of me) to be shattered if that makes any sense whatsoever. Now I don't give a crap if someone I don't know has a problem with me. It's like something turned my care-meter down a bit or something. :)

I don't know how much of mine is due to weight loss or hormones. But it's one less worry off my shoulder that  I'm glad to be rid of.

Well you may remember my story.  I dumped people from my life who were not good for me when I was dumping the weight.

My boundaries are much healthier.  I still want to "help" my grown children too much and am working on letting that go.  But nobody steps on me anymore!!! 

Good for you for toughening up.

~Becky

I love this thread and it came at a perfetc time for me...I am just realizing that I really do not have many real people in my life...only 1 or 2 actual friends because everyone else is just a disappointment to me...I have dumped a lot of people in the last few months because now that I have fought this hard to make my life better, my mind and soul are seeing that I am better than letting people walk all over me....I have been a pushover my entire life and I thought that I was being a good person by doing so  much for others. I only ended leaving nothing for myself. Now that I have changed my life with this surgery, I have changed my life with these people as well. I finally value myself as much as the next person and I am NOT gonna let ANYONE take ANYTHING away from me again! Julie, you are truly inspiring to me in so many ways. I always look forward to your posts. You are so real and remind me of myself and the way I think sometimes. I hope I can grow up to be like you someday :) lol...No, seriously, I hope I am as feisty and full of life and wise as you when I reach that point!

 Well, I surely appreciate your kind words - but wise I am often not.     The fact that I'm capable of eating enough Jelly Bellys to almost crap my pants due to my inability to find a bathroom in the inner city of Detroit is testimony enough to my lack of wisdom!    Who the hell eats an entire bag of Jelly Bellys four hours before going into Detroit anyway????    Seriously though, you will go through many stages on this journey, because I remain convinced that this is not just a physical one, but an emotional one as well.

I didn't start getting more confident of my ability to set limits until eighteen months out.   I ended an extremely destructive nine-year relationship, and that seemed to spark something in me.   I cannot believe the crap that I allowed myself to take from that man.    I look back now, and it makes me cringe.     He'd get wasted, knock me around, and then I'd beg him not to leave me.   Brrrrr.    Makes me shiver.   I've been remarried now for two years, and when my husband tries to pull **** on me, I tell him if he ever wants sex with me again, he'd better knock it off, LOL.   Although I'm sure this is not a technique recommended in the relationship advice books, it works quite nicely.   

I suppose it is a bit different being a dude. I believe most people were pretty intimidated by my size. I don't think anyone would have wanted me to walk over them in "revenge." That would have been a scary mess. lol