Honoring/mourning the pre-op self
I know what you mean too. I'm only half way here but 100 pounds is still a BIG life change.
I dont miss the old me though... this is the old me that I missed.... isnt that weird? This is pretty
much how I've always seen myself. when I see my old pics....there are hardly any in existance, but I deny myself. I jsut pu**** out of my head right away. I think maybe it's unhealthy that I couldnt accept how I had gotten but maybe its ok since I wont ever be there again? I NEVER accepted myself at that weight or size and I spent a few years completely hiding from life. I am trying to accept my past though so that I can give myself credit for what I've done to turn it around.
I guess a large part of the reason I cant see losing my DS friends IS because most of us understand the mental rollercoaster. We can empathize.
Every now and then I cry over really STUPID things like this MENTAL want to eat a whole pizza for instance.... even though I know if I ate 1 whole piece I'd regret it and feel sick and terrible... LOL I just get all confused inside now and then! I think too much. I cry too much....I blame this on some psycho after surgery hormones.
I dont miss the old me though... this is the old me that I missed.... isnt that weird? This is pretty
much how I've always seen myself. when I see my old pics....there are hardly any in existance, but I deny myself. I jsut pu**** out of my head right away. I think maybe it's unhealthy that I couldnt accept how I had gotten but maybe its ok since I wont ever be there again? I NEVER accepted myself at that weight or size and I spent a few years completely hiding from life. I am trying to accept my past though so that I can give myself credit for what I've done to turn it around.
I guess a large part of the reason I cant see losing my DS friends IS because most of us understand the mental rollercoaster. We can empathize.
Every now and then I cry over really STUPID things like this MENTAL want to eat a whole pizza for instance.... even though I know if I ate 1 whole piece I'd regret it and feel sick and terrible... LOL I just get all confused inside now and then! I think too much. I cry too much....I blame this on some psycho after surgery hormones.
You are such a gem. A gift to this forum and to everyone whose lives you touch.
As for me, I get really mad because my old me was treated so badly for so many years. And mostly the old me tolerated it.
People treat me better now and that just really ticks me off. It is hard to enjoy being treated well when I remember so clearly how they treated me before.
As for me, I get really mad because my old me was treated so badly for so many years. And mostly the old me tolerated it.
People treat me better now and that just really ticks me off. It is hard to enjoy being treated well when I remember so clearly how they treated me before.
As usual, Jenna, you so eloquently state what many of us cannot. I remember very much going through the same stage you are right now, and the same stage that Becky is in regarding to feeling anger that people treat her so much better as a thin person than as an obese one. Now, as far out as I am, I sometimes have to think hard and conjure up my former obesity and how it felt. I've become so comfortable with the new me, that it feels like I've been this size forever. For me to now become obese again would be such a foreign feeling! I consciously take a moment every day to gratefully reflect on my good fortune and ease of movement. This is an action I've committed to doing the rest of my life. It keeps me grounded. I'll hazard a guess that all of us go through a series of stages emotionally in response to our weight loss and ongoing maintenance. My most recent "stage" was a very long one - fear that I would gain my weight back. Now, I've learned to trust that aspect of my DS as well. Life is good, and I look forward to hearing your perspective on it all at periodic intervals throughout your journey!
Julie R - Ludington, Michigan
Duodenal Switch 08/09/06 - Dr. Paul Kemmeter, Grand Rapids, Michigan
HW: 282 - 5'4"
SW: 268
GW: 135
CW: 125
Duodenal Switch 08/09/06 - Dr. Paul Kemmeter, Grand Rapids, Michigan
HW: 282 - 5'4"
SW: 268
GW: 135
CW: 125
Jenna, this was beautiful. I wonder, though, if the new you is really new, or has this person always been there, being pushed down by the old you. The person you are today won over the old person. Maybe that's why it is so hard to bring them both together. Just thinkin'
My 
is Jewels. Love her very much! 
is Jewels. Love her very much! 
you are an amazing woman, what a great post... Thank you for sharing your thoughts...
Jenna, I am so honored to have you in my world. You are powerful beyond words.
I know exactly what you mean, and as others have said, you've expressed it perfectly. I had a moment when we were out doing some Christmas shopping at the mall yesterday. I've done most of my new clothes shopping online. I don't really SHOP for clothes in stores still (I blame the childrens). The hubs was off trying to find gifts for me, so I was on my own wheeling the stroller around trying to kill time. I wheeled past the old Lane Bryant that I used to practically live in and I had such a pang in my heart. I wanted to go in and shop. I wanted the predictability and comfort and familiarity of those clothes with understandable sizes and, damn, even the floorplan of the store seemed comforting. I didn't go in, of course, because there's nothing left for me there (except maybe accessories...the reverse of how I used to look at only the accessories in the regular-sized stores while my BFF shopped). I didn't go in too, because I know I used to internally glare at regular-sized women who dared to set foot in my plus-sized clothing store. I used to be irritated that they had an entire mall full of stores they could find clothes in, so what were they doing in mine (even if shopping for a friend or whatever)?
Instead, I wheeled the stroller around to the rest of the clothing stores. I feel like such a lost pup...not really sure how to gauge where these strange, alien stores rank in value, fit, snootiness, age-range, etc. My only sense of these stores are the ones I used to watch my friend shop in. I kept waiting for some employee to ignore me or glare or in some way act like I didn't belong there looking at their clothes. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and was shocked by my thin disguise. I looked like I belonged there in the regular-sized store. But who is that thinly disguised person now?
Don't get me wrong, just as you I am THRILLED with my new health, mobility, physical freedom. But my ways of physically relating to the world around me have undergone such a fundamental shift in such a short period of time, that I'm in culture shock. You know how muscles form memory for activities we do often? We've had decades of emotional "muscle" memory from being overweight, but now it seems every thin experience is an unfamiliar new experience without a frame of reference. I don't miss BEING the heavy me. I just miss having a knowledge base. Very interesting stuff. Thank you for helping me think about this more!
I know exactly what you mean, and as others have said, you've expressed it perfectly. I had a moment when we were out doing some Christmas shopping at the mall yesterday. I've done most of my new clothes shopping online. I don't really SHOP for clothes in stores still (I blame the childrens). The hubs was off trying to find gifts for me, so I was on my own wheeling the stroller around trying to kill time. I wheeled past the old Lane Bryant that I used to practically live in and I had such a pang in my heart. I wanted to go in and shop. I wanted the predictability and comfort and familiarity of those clothes with understandable sizes and, damn, even the floorplan of the store seemed comforting. I didn't go in, of course, because there's nothing left for me there (except maybe accessories...the reverse of how I used to look at only the accessories in the regular-sized stores while my BFF shopped). I didn't go in too, because I know I used to internally glare at regular-sized women who dared to set foot in my plus-sized clothing store. I used to be irritated that they had an entire mall full of stores they could find clothes in, so what were they doing in mine (even if shopping for a friend or whatever)?
Instead, I wheeled the stroller around to the rest of the clothing stores. I feel like such a lost pup...not really sure how to gauge where these strange, alien stores rank in value, fit, snootiness, age-range, etc. My only sense of these stores are the ones I used to watch my friend shop in. I kept waiting for some employee to ignore me or glare or in some way act like I didn't belong there looking at their clothes. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and was shocked by my thin disguise. I looked like I belonged there in the regular-sized store. But who is that thinly disguised person now?
Don't get me wrong, just as you I am THRILLED with my new health, mobility, physical freedom. But my ways of physically relating to the world around me have undergone such a fundamental shift in such a short period of time, that I'm in culture shock. You know how muscles form memory for activities we do often? We've had decades of emotional "muscle" memory from being overweight, but now it seems every thin experience is an unfamiliar new experience without a frame of reference. I don't miss BEING the heavy me. I just miss having a knowledge base. Very interesting stuff. Thank you for helping me think about this more!
I am overwhelmed by your kind words, and all the brilliant, thoughtful replies to this. I'm glad you *got* what I was feeling and that it resonated with so many of you. In turn, you have given me even more to think about and process.
And it's one heck of a process.
I must apologize because I am still feeling a little emotionally raw/teary about the subject, so I am not going to respond to each comment individually right now. But WOW. So great to know that others are going through the same things I'm going through.
And it's one heck of a process.
I must apologize because I am still feeling a little emotionally raw/teary about the subject, so I am not going to respond to each comment individually right now. But WOW. So great to know that others are going through the same things I'm going through.
Jenna, I did the same thing in the summer time, i was looking at my old pics and crying and i called my sister, she just called me a cry baby and changed the subject! i chalked it up to hormone dumping. But i always remember that as much as i look much better and i am much healthier, that other girl was still me and i just remind myself that it was that same girl that made the decision to make her life better and healthier. i can never forget the old me, the old me help create the new me!!!I looked at myself the other day and said, you actually had wls, you did it! its all a distant memory and not many people understand it unless they have been through it. isnt i great you can share your experience!! iam and glad you did!! now buy yourself some skinny jeans or some rock star boots to celebrate (hey thats what i did!!)
Most Active
Recent Topics
