Honoring/mourning the pre-op self

Beautifully written Jenna.  You have such a beautiful soul, you are eloquent and honest.  I love you for those things.  I, too, sit here with tears in my eyes.  My heart hurts because I realize after reading this that I have not taken much time or thought to mourn my own loss of the old me.  I had a realization yesterday after reading someone's post, can't recall which one at the moment, but it was about recognizing ourselves in pictures.  I am in a transition period there.  I was having a hard time recognizing me in new pictures of myself.  "wow is that really me" runs through my brain a lot.  But now I am doing that more in my old pictures.  I don't see "me" as much in them, but how can that be?  I was that girl for so long.  For literally decades.  So I'm in a limbo.  I don't recognize the different forms of me, physically.  I feel like the same person inside.  Sometimes I find that I think the same way.  I don't get this mind thing.  It is hard to reconcile some of this stuff.  

On a lighter note, something just occurred to me.  I was in the women's size section of a clothing store this past week, looking for some clothing for my mom and I found a cute shirt and I literally said to myself "wow, why didn't they make cute clothes like that when I was that size!" I was kind of pissed!  LOL.  I think I've gone around the bend!  

Love you Jenna, thank you for the thought, and heart, provoking post.

Once again you have been able to say it best dear Jenna :)

I know exactly what you are feeling and I sometimes feel like I am betraying my old self when in many ways I am the same person.....but still not.

Thanks for sharing and putting into words what the rest of us can't.

Hugs,
Mickie

Jenna,

I am having a very emotional morning, too; missing my mom and hating that she never saw this me. Thank you for your words and your lovely self- both pre-op and post-op. You are beautiful on the inside and the you that has emerged is one to be celebrated. I will try my best to follow in your incredible footsteps.

that made me cry Jenna - you are so articulate. I loved everything about the post, really made me think and reflect.  I hope someday I'm in a town near you, i"d love to sit across from you and spend time talking about this very subject.  It brings up a lot of emotions.

The old you was so brave, took a huge risk so you could be happy and be the new you could emerge.  She is someone to honor and respect, just not someone whose physical world you don't want ot be a part of and there's no shame in that.

You are a wonderful and amazing woman, always have been.

Debbie M.

My first thought when I looked at the picture of you was, "That's such a Jenna Lynn look."  I only know you through your posts here, on your blog & FB, so my 'knowing' is admittedly limited and I probably ascribe some things to you that may not belong. BUT. (haha) I think there's still much of the girl in the picture in the girl in the mirror.

That said, you so eloquently stated so many things I feel - or am beginning to feel - about the whole then-me vs. now-me issue. I need to ponder and mull and write. As always, thank you for your willingness to openly share your enormous and beautiful heart and mind. Big hugs.

Eileen, pass the kleenex over here, mmmk?

What a truly honest and beautiful post Jenna. It did make me cry. I think you put into words so eloquently what almost all of us feel at some point during our journey. I felt that way the first time I had the RNY and lost 164lbs...then came the realization that I became that girl once again. This time I won't allow myself to turn back into her.

Be proud of yourself - you are an AMAZING woman!!

From the bottom of my heart thank you Jenna.  I'm humbled by the kindness you have shown you're old self and hope one day to be kind to my "old" Kirstin too.  That is truly a mark of wisdom and acceptance.  You are a success Jenna and I am in awe of you love. 

I sometimes find the changes in myself crippling.  They were the changes I always wanted but I miss the cozy world of habit and the way I could use food to bond with the people I love as a central spoke to all that we did.  Now the world is a bigger place and I sometimes find it hard to find my place in it.  Sometimes it just seems too large.

Once again thank you. x

Jenna you have an amazing way with words. I feel so much of the same things you do about my old self. There is so many changes within and outside ourselves that I find it hard to put into words or even organized thoughts at times, but you have done a great job at defining much of it. Its so nice to have people like you that are willing to open up and share their true inner turmoils about this journey and ourselves...Thank You!!!

 Jenna, you have a wonderful knack for putting the feelings and emotions we share into words.  I wish I could add something meaningful here, but you said it all.

I am so lucky to have you as a friend.

This is not the first time you have put words to something I felt, better than I could myself.

I've also cried when running across and old picture. Such a weird feeling when you don't immediately identify, and yet you feel such empathy for "her", as you know she was not treated as nicely by others as you are, and she tried so hard, and you feel the pain from all she went through.