"No One Teaches You What It's Like to Be on Maintenance"

thanks so much for posting this!  I'm very early out here and although I still have my doubts about this really "working"  I think it has the best chance of anything I've ever done!

I can feel your sense of mourning for this change in your life and although that is difficult, I think it's important (and very self aware) of you to recognize and acknowledge it. 

Thanks again for this preview in how to handle this ongoing journey.

I'm exactly there, too.   I had leveled out by adding carbs when my husband was freakeshly afraid that I wouldn't be able to stop losing weight.   Well, I stopped!   LOL

So I'd kind of gone on about those three or four or five pounds to the normal BMI until the middle of last week.   I woke up that morning and looked at my belly (because that's the only place I have any fat left at all) and decided that I just didn't care about it.   I decided that I'm exactly the right shape for a grandmother of my social stature (heh heh).

The thing that shocked me?   The next day the hematologist looked at my chart and said "The weight loss has evened off?   Good.   This is a good weight.   You don't need to lose any more."   WOW - words I never thought I'd hear from a physician.

But I do kind of miss hearing my kids say "Mama, you're melting away."   LOL

Dennie

This is a very timely and insightful post, Joanne. As you know, I am right there with you.

For a few months, I thought if I lose this last 20, 15, 10 lbs, then I can relax. Now I'm 9 lbs away from "goal", which was really arbitrarily chosen based on normal BMI range.

But often I look at myself in the mirror and think I still could stand to lose 20 lbs, maybe 30. Other days, I look in the mirror and think "okay, pretty good." 

The body dysmorphia is there. The loose skin is there, and lots of it. But fat is still there too. How much? I don't know. And then I get to wondering if the skin is just an excuse for not busting my ass more to lose this last "x" number of lbs. (Where "x" seems to equal 20 lbs lower than whatever weight I'm at.)

I vacillate between accepting that I have reached the end and pushing myself to lose more. I'm not sure which approach is the right answer.

I wish I could just let go and be at peace no matter what happens. Be grateful that my medical problems are gone and that I have succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. But there is something very intoxicating about the notion of having control over your body and your weight, even if it's just an illusion. It's that sense of control which I am not quite ready to give up, even as I recognize it's largely imaginary. 

Very good points Joanne; I've really struggled with the whole thing about knowing when my body is done losing because it's been done for some time and I don't want it to be done. I've tried everything you mentioned and it's made pretty much no difference. 

I really do wish there was some way to know what you're personal goal weight should be and how you could best get there; for many of us, this is a real let down. I have to keep telling myself, I look good, I look normal, I feel great, clothes fit etc. etc. etc. But even after having maintained a stable weight for over a year, it still seems to me that I need to lose another 15 pounds or so.

Kerry

First off - you look damn good.

I really enjoyed reading your post & while I haven't taken the time to read the rest of the posts in reply, I suspect that a lot of people will ID with what you're saying.  I think most of us have been accostumed to so many struggles with weight for so long, it's just not something that you can change or "get over" in a year or two.  I still struggle somewhat with this, even though most every day I look at myself after I get ready for the day & smile, thinking I look WAY better than I used prior to WLS.  Then, there's the several times/ week in which I look down at my rolls & think that I look fat, even though I know that most of it is excess skin.

I have gained a few pounds back from my lowest weight, though my lowest weight actually surpassed my goal a smidge.  I'm now 4 pounds heavier & don't you know I want those 4 pounds gone.  My goal was 140 & I'm usually 141 - 142 (at least in the last few weeks straight).  Why isn't that good enough??  Why am dissatisfied when I look at my stomach?  Why can't I just accept me?  Even though there's plenty of times - & I will be honest here instead of modest - I look at myself standing, dressed & think, damn I look good.  Why then must I still feel this other way almost as frequently?  Or feel even a smidge bad about being 1 or 2 pounds over goal - still a 24 BMI? 

It's in my head.  How do I get out of the mindset that I've had all of my adolescence & adult life of wanting to be thin & hating my fat body?  It's like I have 2 sets of thoughts & emotions & they just come out at different times.  Hopefully one day, I will just plain old like my body & that's it.