My depression -- very long

Hello, I have hesitated to post about this, since I guess I haven't had any REAL or life-threatening complications. But I really need some help -- or at least some understanding from someone else who might understand. I recently got an e-mail from a surgery buddy asking me how I am since she hadn't heard from me in several months. I wrote her back, and now, after re-reading the email I wrote, I feel like I should show it to someone because it shows me just how bad things have gotten in my mind. I don't like how I'm feeling or acting these days. I just don't like anything about myself. For a brief background, I had surgery on July 5, 2005. I have not lost any significant weight since I was 4 months out. Here's the e-mail. I hope someone else out there has been in my boat. I am sinking fast. Hi _______, I'm sorry it's taken me a week to get back to you. I've been busy with school and I had to think about what I was going to write. I finally just decided that I would just tell you everything. Since you're a totally unbiased opinion, I don't have to worry about how this comes across to you. I just want to make sure that you realize that I have absolutely no anger or jealousy directed at you. I am honestly so proud for you and of you. You look so beautiful, and you should be proud of yourself. I was jus****ching the news about all the snow you guys have gotten up there so I thought I'd go ahead and write you back. I've been so down lately about the surgery. I've gone from ultimate anger, to depression, to just not caring. Nothing is working for me anymore. I really haven't lost very much weight in the past several months. I've tried all different kinds of things, but nothing seems to work. I run about two miles 3-4 times a week, I go to deep water aerobics, I lift weights, I use an exercise ball, I use the eliptical stairclimber at the gym, I've tried starving myself, I've tried eating more, I've tried drinking more, upping my protien, downing my carbs, I've tried everything. Unfortunately for me, my weightloss has all but stopped. I've had two consultations with plastic surgeons who both told me that I'm carrying about 20 pounds in skin, but that's just not good enough for me. I honestly can't stand to think about it because it makes me insane. I've never had to deal with this kind of disappointment. My doctor's office has made me so mad I think I will never go back. My doctor is supposed to be one of the best in the country. He's studied with Dr. Fobi and has years of experience. However, I have come to believe that they only want success stories hanging around their office. They just don't seem to have any answers or time for me. The nurse told me to be glad that I've lost the weight that I have and that I couldn't have ever done it any other way. Well, true, but I also changed my life forever and spent about $35,000 of my inheritence for a dramatic change that I just haven't gotten. I cry about it a lot, but I know this doesn't help. Depending on the day, I range from anger and rage to frustration and despair. I'm sure if I told my doctor's office that I feel like killing myself half of the time, they would just send me to a psychiatrist. That's not what I need. I need what I paid for -- with both money and pain. If I didn't have my husband as support I think I would have just given up a long time ago. He helps me to keep going, but I know he is frustrated and disappointed, too. I'm scheduled for a round of plastic surgery in two weeks. I'm having an arm lift and breast augmentation. When we return from Mexico this summer, I think I will have a tummy tuck. You know, I really have wondered and wondered how on earth I could consume less than 700 calories a day and do all the above mentioned exercise along with my daily routine of work and school and not lose weight. Someone who hadn't had surgery would lose weight, so why can't I? I've wondered if it has something to do with how much of my small intestines my doctor bypassed -- maybe I don't have enough malabsorption. But then again, if I only eat about 700 calories, what would malabsorption have anything to do with it? So I upped my calories to 1000-1200 thinking that my body was in starvation mode -- still nothing. I exercised so hard every day for a two week period that I collapsed from exhaustion a couple of weeks ago. My heart was pounding and I broke out in a cold sweat. I then slept for 15 hours without waking up. Jason told me I had to stop or he was going to take me to the hospital. Well, seeing as how I never want to go back there, I've slacked off. But now I can't sleep. I've turned into an insomniac. I think it's the depression, but I don't know. It's so crazy, but I think that my inability to lose weight has given me other disorders. I've become an exercise nut. If I miss an exercise day, I completely beat myself up all day long, telling myself that I'm lazy and therefore fat and will never lose weight. I'm close to be addicted to pain killers. I have terrible back pain, and the chiropractor can't help anymore. My family doctor wants me to go have an MRI -- but to me that just means that there is something wrong that can't be fixed any other way besides back surgery, and I'm just not up for that. Aside from that, I count every bite I put in my mouth and every calorie I consume during a day, right down to a banana or a piece of chewing gum. I realize that all of this is not normal and I have told the nurse at my doctor's office about it, but all they ever tell me is that I shouldn't be doing that. Well, no joke. I'm sorry for my rambling, ranting e-mail. I guess it is a good example of the state of mind I'm in these days. I've almost dropped out of law school twice now. I honestly can't believe that I'm still going to class. I miss work a lot. I suppose I'm lucky that I work for my parents, because some days (like today) I don't get out of my pajamas until the late afternoon.............I realize that I'm majorly depressed. I don't feel like going to a therapist would help me, because, first, I realize that I'm depressed, and second, I feel like I have a reason to be so. Jason tries to remain positive for me, but I told him this weekend that sometimes I just need him to feel sorry for me, too, because I can't possibly feel sorry enough for myself at this point. He took me to Morton's on Friday night and gave me a 4 carat diamond tennis bracelet as a Valentine's/birthday present (I'll be 25 in two weeks). It's so sad, but even that only cheered me up for about two hours. I was back in the same rut as soon as we got home. Again, I'm sorry for this email. I'm sure it's been more painful for you to read than it was for me to type. Thank you for writing to see how I am. I really appreciate that. I don't have any girlfriends anymore -- things seem to change like that when a person gets married. The only person I have to talk to about this other than Jason is my mom (who is convinced that me not losing weight is due to the fact that I am doing something wrong and she criticizes me constantly). I just don't bring it up around her anymore, and if she asks, I lie and tell her I've lost a couple of pounds. So again, thank you for writing me. I hope I haven't upset you. Like I said before, I'm so happy for you that your surgery has worked and you are happy and healthy. You are beautiful and you should be proud of yourself! Please take care and write again, Marian

Hi Marian, I just read your post. I am sorry you are not doing too well. (Just my 2cents) but maybe you should talk to someone. Do you go to church ? Maybe someone there you could talk to . Have you been to any support groups lately ? I know you said how much you ate (calorie wise) but how much and what do you drink ? I think drinking a lot of water may be helpful. How much have you lost since surgery ? I look at it this way..... It took me 50 years to get to 334 pounds. It won't be overnight that I will lose it either. Try not to let it get you down...if you need to find someone to talk to even if it is your doctor. He may be able to help you find someone. I hope you feel better. Sending you lots of huggs. Sandy

Hi Marian, I just read your post. I then looked at your profile. You look wonderful and don't forget you have lost 80 pounds!!!!!! I understand very much what you are going through. I havent lost anything in 2 months. If you've read my story you will see I had many complications....so to not lose anything for two months is like adding insult to injury. I do CHOOSE to remain positive and hopeful. I almost lost my life and I am going to try to live it no matter what size I am. I do understand how it gets you down though....some days are harder than others. I believe that if I keep doing the right things it will come off. The problem is I don't always do the right things. It's sort of sick but sometimes I feel I am entitled to eat what I want because of what happened. I know that is self defeating but sometimes I just don't care. You on the other hand sound like you are doing all the right things..have you had a metabolism test? Maybe that could shed some light on it. Just a suggestion. Wishing you the best. Try and keep your chin up!! Lynne

Marian, I feel for you girl. I just got done reading your entire profile and seeing your pics. Are you addicted to the scale like me? It sounds like you are. YOu need to have your hubby hide the scale and only let you weigh once every 2 weeks. Seriously! Because you are shrinking!! I know you can't see it, but I can just by looking at your pictures. Your face looks thinner, your hips and your butt. I know you haven't lost any "weight" but your body is probably just shifting. You have lost a bunch of weight in a short period of time. Quit comparing yourself to others, I know how hard that is. I do it too. Back off on the exercise, get with someone who can help y ou figure out your target heart rate for fat burning. Running is more for cardio, not weight loss. Walking is better for getting to that target fat burning heart rate. Are you drinking your water? I am sure you are. I am not trying to tell you what to do, just giving suggestions to try if you haven't already. I am also here to say that you look awesome! Compare your before pics to your now pics, really study them. You look good. Chin up! Tracy

Marian I'm coming into this a little late, but after I finished reading your profile I'm in tears. You are such a beautiful, funny lady! I wish I could make you see what so many of us already do, you're wonderful! Hang in there sweetie!

Marian, You are beautiful !!!! I know that doesn't make you feel any better . I can understand what you were saying about with all the money and pain you expected faster results. I can tell a BIG difference in your shape. Could you just be leveling off...you body taking a break to catch up? Have you had your thyroid levels tested? Surgery itself can cause physiological changes in your brain chemistry to cause depression and well as high THS levels. I know I am going to be a slow loser also. I have a hypothyroid condition that refuses to be in normal range !! Also...i am going to lose my mind when my husband starts to cut back and loses as much as I do. I see that happenening with mine also !! Go get on a SSRI..it will really help. You are going through so many changes so fast..you have so many different stressors. I am sure your mom wants what is best for you even though she is coming across a little toxic. Knowing that sure doesn't make the pain of her words sting any less..I have similar situations in my family. Hey..I am here..if you need to talk to someone send me an email. Lots of Hugs, Dana

marian, i just read your post and your OH page and i feel for you. i think we have ALOT in common...politically, surgery, music etc. i understand your frustration but i think that you are giving yourself less credit than you deserve on the weight loss. you look wonderful! you are a beautiful girl. and believe me it is hard for us to see what others see. i get compliments all the time and i am like...do i really look that different? or are people just being nice? you and i had surgery the same month and i am going through the same thing as far as not losing any more weight. i have been toying with the same 6 lbs up and down for a month or so now. it is so frustrating, i was going along and losing weight at a great rate and then i hired a personal trainer thinking that was a great thing to do to help me get rid of my last 40-60 lbs and now the scale won't budge. but enough about me....i think that it might be a good idea for you to talk to someone. i did some counseling before surgery and it helped me figure out and put into words things that i was feeling and i really think it helped me know what to expect when i had surgery and how i got to be the size i was in the first place. i wish you happiness and if you want to drop me an email anytime feel free. brandy

Marian, I think you are being incredibly hard on yourself. 80 lbs is A LOT OF WEIGHT TO LOSE! I am wondering if perhaps you have a thyroid problem ... Also, you may be at the ideal weight for your body now. You probably need to see someone for depression and try focusing on your overall health rather than a number on the scale.

Marian honey I just read your profile- it's rather funny that I read this post and my immediate thought was "has this chickie taken a pregnancy test lately???" then I looked on your profile and got my answer!!!! The tears welled up in my eyes and I knew that everything was going to be fine for you- this is the answer you have been searching for- and you thought WLS was going to change your life? Wait til this happens. Oh man just wait..... Take good care of you and that little miracle gowing in you- no more pain pills, no more crazy eating or starving or exercise- don't worry about anything but a healthy baby. God bless honey.