MAJOR DEPRESSION?/MAY LEAVE MY WIFE

I DONT KNOW IF IM DEPRESSED OR WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A CONFLICT WITH MY STEP CHILDREN LAYING AROUND AT 18 AND 20 YRS OLD PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND WATCHIN TV ALL DA Y (1 IS HOME FROM COLLEGE OTHER JUST GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL AND IS GOING TO COLLEGE )NEITHER HAS A CAR OR A JOB AND I FEEL LIKE ITS A NEVER ENDING BATTLE .WELL **** HIT THE FAN TODAY (IM 2 WEEKS POST -OP)I TOLD HER SHE CODDLES EM AND BABYS EM AND ITS HER FAULT FOR THEM BEING LIKE THIS .IVE PUSHED AND PUSHED FOR 3 YRS NOW FOR THEM TO GET A JOB AND SAVE SOME MONEY OR AT LEAST HAVE S[PENDING MONEY. WELL I TOLD THE YOPUNGEST TODAY THAT COME FRIDAY HE BETTER HAVE 30 DOLLARS FOR ROOM AND BOARD EACH WEEK,IF NOT ILL BUY HIM A BUS TICKET TO ARIZONA AND HE CAN LIVE WITH HIS DAD.CAUSE IM NOT DOIN IT ANYMORE,AND HE NEEDED TO PAY THE 35.00$ CELL BILL FOR HIS PHONE AND ILL GIVE THAT TO HIM ALSO. AM I WRONG I JUST CANT TAKE THIS STRESS ANY MORE IT HAS CREATED A MONSTER IN ME AND IVE REACHED MY BRAKIN POINT SHE THINKS THAT IM WAY OFF AND I AM TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT ,I REALLY FEEL ITS BEST IF I JUST LEAVE AND GO. I DONT THINK I CAN TAKE ANYMORE. MY WIFE TOOK OFF 20 MINS AGO DONT KNOW WHERE BUT I WANT TO PACK AND GO AND NOT COME BACK .WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME.OH THE OLDEST IS OUT WITH HIS FREINDS FOR 4 OR 5 DAYS,SO I COULDNT ATTACK HIM

My kids are 10 and 11 ............. I will not let them sit around and just play video games............ They have to do chores and fet things done! Young adults will never learn how to do things if you keep doing for them, you cripple them if they do not learn how to do for themselves! The question is what would they do if she was not there for them.......... They have to learn to survive on there own! The only one that you can count on is YOU in the end and you got to teach them that!

Hi James, Hang in there. First of all this is probably not the best time to deal with this. Being two weeks out you are likely experiencing some depression and or emotional stress as it is. And though these kids do need a serious kick in the pants, for your health and state of mind this is probably the worst time for it. I have found that once my kids turned 18 I did not like the people they were anymore. My oldest two are 19 1/2 and 22 and they are finally coming around the last couple of months. Stop !!! Take a deep breath !!! Don't over do it yourself. Just make them be accountable. At their age if they want to sit around all day during the summer and play video games and watch t.v. Cool.... let them... But when they come around needing $5 to go get a burger, $10 to go to a movie, $$$ for gas, auto, or auto insur. Tell its time to them to get a life and get a job. You can support them while allowing them to have the time they need to find their way as new adults, and without enabling them. Love them, support them, play with them, but make them pay their own way. Rent very likely isn't the real issue, its more likely the grocery bill from teenage boys (& their friends) sitting around eating, munching and not contributing. It may be inconvenient for you but lock the a lot of the food in a cabinet or closet. I've done this with special food items when I had another teen living with me. It works if you control the key to the lock. Basic meals should be no problem but the inbetween munchies, they can find a way to buy themselves. Most of all realize that you are likely not emotionally strong enough with all of the 2 week post op changes that you are experiencing to have a "normal" grip on this right now. And if you really love your wife accept that she loves her kids and she to will most likely come to grips with their behavior in time also. If they are only doing this for the summer between school terms its also not as bad as long as you aren't paying for their entertainment. Love you wife and remember the boys won't be there forever. Do you want your wife to be????? Good luck, I will say a prayer for you. cindy

Hey Luv~ When the going gets tough.....dont go. I agree that they are old enough to fend for themseves. I was talking to your wife about this the other day at lunch and she even expressed that this is an issue for her as well. Perhaps you two you should sit down and talk about this rationally. I know that you love your wife dearly, and that she loves you just the same. You also need to take into consideration all of the changes that are currently going thru your body and mind. You are dealing with alot of emotions, and perhaps trying to lash out in some sort of way. I am not saying that you are wrong, just saying that you are not strong enough yet to handle all of this. If you need a friend to listen you know that I am here along with several others. Call upon us, we are here for you and we love you very much. I hope things are better now.

I think you need a vacation from your family. You are in serious need of some "me" time. Can you go stay with some relatives for a week or so? Stacy Riebartsch

James, I have yet to have surgery, so I am not speaking from the stand point of someone who knows what you are going through in that respect. However, I have suffered with major depression for most of my life. The part of your statement that concerns me most is "...I want to pack and go and not come back." If you will look up major depression (or even manic depression) that is a classic symptom. I have often times wanted to run away. You have to realize though, that you can't run from the depression. Yes, you will not be around your step children, or your wife, but your depression is still there. More than likely, if you leave, you will feel even more depressed. What is mean is, leaving isn't going to solve anything. I am sorry that you are having a lot to deal with, in regards to your step children. However, I think that the depression is really making things seem much worse than they actually are. It is much harder for people to deal with things when they are depressed. I am not trying to tell you what to do, by any means. I just want to let you know that you are not the only one who feels like running away. I have 3 little children. I often feel like I don't know how to deal with them and that they would be better off without me and even sometimes me without them. Luckily, I have a wonderfully, supportive husband. He has researched a lot about major depression and has come to understand that it really has nothing to do with him!! He has a lot to put up with, but being educated on the situation has really helped. I would suggest that you get to your doctor as soon as possible and that perhaps your wife go with you. Maybe not on the first visit, but at least sometime. It will make it much easier on her if she understands the situation. You will also benefit from her being aware. It will take a lot of pressure off of you. I hope I haven't seemed too bossy, but I am really worried that you are going to make a decision now, that you will regret in the future!! Hope things get better. Kerri

James, I just read your message and I think you certainly have every right to feel as you do. You are not wrong to want these grown men out of the house and out of your pockets. I think your first line of defense is to get your wife to become your allie. When you are both calm and free from stress, ask her if the two of you can talk, even if you have to schedule it. This conversation should be between you and her alone. Try to get her to see that enabling here children are no good for them for all the obvious reasons which I'm sure I don't have to point out to you and let her know that her relationship with you should now be number one and not her relationship with her sons. When they finally leave, you will still be there,and that you will have the rest of your lives together and that it should be fun instead of full of misery. Explain to her that when her sons find someone they seriously want to be with, they will drop her like a hot potatoe (I ought to know) After all, the whole purpose of our raising our childlren is for them to leave home and be responsible citizens., but marriage is for a lifetime (hopefully) and the two of you are considered one in the eyes of the law. She would be wrong to allow her children to come between you. Many children are selfish and selfserving, that is what children do. And even though her children will always be her children, they are no longer children. They are men and she should treat them as men. I'd be willing to bet that when they want to do something nothing can stop them or change their minds. I'd be willing to bet they're MEN then! Your wife needs to open her eyes and stop being deceived. Life has enough sorry males without her adding to them and I'm sure she doesn't want sorry men for sons

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Hi, This is my first time on 'this' board, and I'm sorry that you're going through this. But set aside all the reasons for your anger and frustration and focus on the only real issue at this point and time: You are in no condition to making these kinds of decisions. It's not about whether you're right or not, but you're not feeling well. Ask anyone here with a menstruation cycle, and they'll tell you that one of the biggest lessons they've learned was to not engage in anything serious during those first two or three days. Everyone in your family knows you're recuperating. Whether they respect that or not doesn't matter - respect yourself, take care of yourself, and fight this battle when you are fully strengthened. JB