Don't really know where to begin...

Hello room. This is the first time I have posted in here. I think I may be posting just to clear out my head, so if this doesn't make sense, I apologize.... If you ever read my profile, it discussed my fight with weight loss, depression, and my whole life being turned upside down. For those of you who don't know me, here is my story: I have been fighting with insurance companies for 2 years to get approval for gastric bypass. I have had 2 different Blue Cross Blue Shield plans at my 2 teaching jobs, and both have written restrictions even with a medical necessity. I did have medicaid to supplement the insurance, but when I signed my contract for the new job I am in, I totally lost all coverage with that. This despresses me to no end because I feel that this is the only way for me to ever lose the weight I need to be healthy. As said in my profile, I want this done so that I am able to run and play with the nursery kids, the youth that I work with, and for my students. I also want to be able to have a family, and with me being this size, that is unable to happen. After all of the denials, the depression hit really hard. I just felt like I am going to be stuck in this huge blob of unhealthiness forever. I don't want that. I am tired of crying every night because of lonliness, and pain from being on my feet all day. I am tired of the pain of trying to get out of bed and barely being able to walk. These things depress me. Along with the depression, my world has been thrown a curve ball that I should have been over by now, and am not. In the same week of February of 2005 my uncle and grandma that lived with me and I took care of them died. The actual day set for my uncle's funeral I had to rush my grandma to the hospital where she died....the day scheduled to put my uncle to rest. True, there was family there for me, but after the funeral they got to go back to their lives while I was left to fend alone in a whole new world (so to speak). I wasn't mad at my grandma (mom/adopted me and raised me since I was 6 weeks old.) for leaving me...I was mad at my family for being able to go back and not have to be changed that much while I was left there with nothing ever going to be the same again. Fast forward to now: I feel hopeless that I will ever have the surgery still. I feel that I will die alone and die fat. I know that fear is FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL, and I know fear is not from God, but how can I not fear? The only living thing I have left at home is my dog Snow, and she is battling through heartworm treatment and I worry if she is doing OK. She was raised by me since she was 1 week old. Every 2 hours I would get up, feed and make her go potty. So, in essence, she is my baby. I also do not know if I will have a position to teach next year because I received special permission from the state of Missouri to do the position I am in now because my employeer claimed hardship. I truly feel that God has placed me here for a reason. I feel that my heart is in the district where I work. I love my students and they love me. Everyone here loves me. Not 1 teacher has a bad thing to say about me. The administrators constantly tell people that I am the nicest employee that they have. My whole heart is given to the school, my job, and my students. I also give my heart to everything I do at my church. Right now I am the assistant nursery director, I was the lead in the Christmas play, I sing on the praise team (traveling singing team), work within the women's minestry and nursing home minestry. I work in the Medical Team for our outreach ministry, Day of Hope, as well as be a chaperone for our teenage group. I am also a member of the young adults group at church. The church is in the town I work in, and the town I want to live in. If I do get a job next year, I am planning on moving to the town because I love it so much. The position I am hired in under this year is one that I would have never considered, but since I have it, have fallen completely in love with and am going to go back to school to get my certification to do it. It is in speech/language pathology. I think that I posted here because I am really wanting some Christian people to agree with me on many things. Number 1, for my position for next year. I truly want the job so that I can spread my love to these students more. Number 2, for insurance coverage that will cover for me to have gastric bypass surgery. Number 3, for peace of mind from the state of funk that I am in. I don't want to call it depression because I don't want that spoken into existance for my life. Number 4, for strength to fight the fight. (I thought I was doing good, but here over the past few weeks, I have just been totally down and constantly crying because I don't know what to do or where to go.) Can you please just pray for me. I know that in the bible it says something to the extent of "When 2 or more come together agreeing for the same things that the Lord would hear the prayer and answer it."

Kimberly, It is nice to meet you, sister! I am happy to agree in prayer with you that these needs would be met in Jesus name.

Kimberly, God is faithful and I know that within His time all things will be made available to meet your needs and achieve the plans that He has for your life. You have gone thru such tragedy....He must be preparing you for an amazing ministry. You are in my prayers. luvitsunnyv

Girlfriend, you have a lot going on. You are wise to write/journal and vent. My pastor/counselor encourages that. Venting is particularly powerful for women. I wanted to address your saying you "should be over it by now" in regards to your uncle and grandma's deaths. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and some people need longer than others. I grieved for well over a year after the death of my 9 year old hound dog. He had cancer and I had to put him to sleep in Jan of 2005. I thought I was nuts, but he was my baby. Let yourself grieve, and if you think you are having problems with it, talk to a trusted pastor/counselor. I tried to get insurance approval for gastric bypass last year and was denied (not covered by my husband's employer). This year, I have insurance with my company and I went for lap band approval. I got the approval. The moral of this story is that, maybe God doesn't want you to have the gastric bypass for reasons you do not see. Perhaps the timing was not right for you. Where God guides, He provides. If He's not providing, He's not guiding you there. Those are great words to remember, spoken by a wonderful Christian leader I know. Never neglect the physical aspect of your emotions either. Depression can be chemical and biological. Not always, but sometimes. I am agreeing with you for miraculous things to occur in your life and for the spirit of depression to leave you. Jesus loves you just how you are; you are His beautiful creation whether you weigh 400 lbs or 100 lbs. He will never ever leave you. Trust Him.

I have been told through a very religious sister at my church that she had a vision of me, right after I started going to church there, having the gastric bypass surgery. I know that I will have it in God's time, I just get so down that it hasn't happened yet. I know that it is because I have so much going on right now. I am working on my Master's degree and have another year before I finish. (I am taking it fully online and only get 1 week break in between classes.) I know that the surgery will have a toal on my body for a while and I know that God doesn't want me to have any unusual stress when I have the surgery, and I do have all of that stress now. It is amazing what words and prayers do for someone. Just yesterday I was so depressed and down and today is a beautiful day for me. I feel confident about things again. I also received an e-mail from my boss and she told me I didn't have to interview with her for a teaching position next year, I had to interview with the school principal where I work now. The principal, during her evaluation of me, gave me superior marks on every area and she told me that noone had ever received all superior marks as a first year teacher. She even recommended me for rehire. So, I know that I know that I know I am going to get the position for next year. Just keep praying for me! Thank you so much for all of your prayers and words. You truly are blessings to me and I am glad to join this group of Godly people.

Kimberly, first off, welcome to our group. I'm so sorry you have been going through so much. I want you to know that I too agree with you in prayer and will be lifting you up to our Father. Please, keep us informed as to how you are doing. Love, Shel