Hurting,Confression,need help

Hey Everyone, I need to share a bit of my life so please bare with me for a minute. I was am a recovering drug addict that has been clean for 13 years. When I was out in addiction I gave custody of my oldest daughter up to her father. When I got clean it was to late to her her back. To keep things short in the process of the years to come all three of my kids were molested, one of them happend while I was in addiction. I was married twice while in addiction. When I got clean I was married to a very abbusive (mentally, emotioally, spiritually) man. I came to know the Lord 3 months after I got clean if it wasn't for Him I would never had gotten though the things I have had to endure. The abuse of my husband for myself and upon my kids was the hardest. I was adament that I WAS NOT going to divorce thought because I was now living for Christ and I did not believe in it. In May 1999 my husband died after starting to drink and use again. During all this time I was the closest to the Lord I have ever been, not since then have I known a time of closeness like that. I am hurting so badly right now because I have allowed myself to backslide in my walk so much that I don't know how to get back. Last year the Lord gave me the greastest gift, my daughter back after 12 years. My family at the time was in a great place spiritiually, and when Kris came to live with us, it ended up being the greast trial for us because she is not a beliveer and it drove us all down. We allowed it to. We are at a church we are not happy at at all, we are moving in a month back to Jersey and have found a church we ARE SO SO excited about, but we have no desire what so ever to go this church. There is no particular reason, we just leave there every week feeling heavy hearted, sad, unhappy. We have no real friends there, we never really have, even after 3 years. Its a small church and no one really wants to let you in. We are deteremined to make things different this time, for ourselves individually, as a couple and for our kids. Here is where I need help. I am coming up on this surgery at some point this year. I started smoking again this year and financially/physically/spiritaully I know the Lord is not happy with this, I am being dishonest at work with my hours, I am not myself in any way shape or form. I am so focused on the outside world instead of being focused on the Jesus and being able to be focused on my family and others and I am so sad, hurting and empty inside. I really need help. I am to the point of humility that I know I cant get out on my own. I have asked people at my church but know one has stepped up. I need someone to commit to reading and praying with me DAILY until I can step up and do it on my own again. I NEED ALOT OF PEOPLE praying that sunday when that I can finally put these cigarettes down for good as well as my husband. I need help. I pray some one is able to step up and help because I am at the end of my rope. I am desperate. Thanks so much for listening to me I am so grateful you are all here. I am sorry I have not been here reading all your posts we have been gettting ready to move and selling our house and things have been crazy, but I will do all I can to be here to pray for as many of you as I can. In Him, Trish Hagmaier

Hey Trish~ Where abouts in Jersey are you moving to? I live in Cumberland County. I would love to be your accountability partner. While I was reading your post the only thing I could think of is that you are not fully depending on God for every cir****tance. I can say that I have never gone through anything that you have but you have to keep your face in His word. Look at 1 Corth 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." Yes, you have gone through some struggling times, but God tells us here that He will make a way for you everytime. Don't think your strong enough? Try again; look at Romans 6:14 "For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace." Sin has no power over you anymore. From the moment of salvation you make a choice to commit sin. When you asked Jesus to live in your live He broke the chains of bondage to sin. Before salvation you didn't have a choice but to sin, it was your nature. Now, lets look at Eph 1:13,14 "In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory." I want to use this verse to shine a little bit of light onto your situation. You said that you have backslid and you were honest enough to show the areas where you have failed to glorify God. But look at this verse for a second. Do you know that even through all the mess you are in Jesus still loves you? When you gave your live to the Lord He sealed you with promise. Here that, sealed?? Just like when a cow is branded with a seal, it cannot be removed. So when Jesus sealed you with the Holy Spirit will not be removed. It says that you have a guarantee of inheritance. Wow. How awesome is that? This eternity of heaven is a guarantee. That means under no cir****tances will you loose your promise. Sweety, I would love to talk to you more but I have to take my son to school. I'll talk to you later. Love, Dawn

Dawn, Thank you so much for your gracious offer and I will most definitley take you up on it. We are moving back to South Jersey, Gloucester County to be exact in Deptford. I have an idea of where Cumberland is I am guessing about 30 min - 45 min from us or so is that right. Either way. I would love to get to know you better and to read and pray with you. My husband and I both are determined to put the cigarettes down Sunday and go back to church. Something someone said in one of the post is right, I have a tendency to run. I have since my husband died and I moved out here from California 6 years ago. I was hurt so badly by people after he died and by people in my church. Believe it or not, I was such an open person, almost to open, it scared people. The last 4 years I have turned into a closed up person with no friends and no desire to be around people, church or anything that opens me up to others. My last church I tried so hard to open up and really got hurt, and when I left California, my so called friends completely desereted me, except for one. It hurt so bad, because in California I was completey emmersed in12 step and they were my family and they really let me down and I guess I have some deeply unresolved issues with trusting people, women, men and friendship. Pastors all in all. Somewhere along the line I am going to have to open up and let people in again and I dont know how, I just dont. I am so scared of being hurt like that again. Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you, if you would like to call me I am still in PA until the 30th so you can reach me at 610-272-8844 after 4pm. I will let you know my new number when I know it God bless, Trish

Tri**** sounds as though you are going thru a spiritual wilderness. I share these thoughts from a book I read at one point in my Christian walk.... ~Truly thank the Lord for showing you the things in you your heart. ~Repent, asking God to forgive any sin or wrong motives. You may also need to ask others to forgive you. ~Seek God's help to overcome and create new habits and attitudes. ~Resist the enemy in his attempts in your life. ~Never deny that you are going through a wilderness experience. ~Simply say, "Thank you, God, for showing me what was in my heart. Now I'll do something about it." You understand why some things have happened to you because of poor choices....yet, you may not understand everything that has happened to you. As a child of God, you can be assured of this..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you...I will bring you back from captivity..." (Jer. 29:11-12, 14a) I'll be praying for you and I'm available to listen.... luvitsunnyv

Hello Trish, There's a thief loose, his name is satan, he trying to steal your joy, (the joy of the Lord is your strength) he's trying to kill and destroy you. He wants you to go back to the same mud pit and dungeon that he put you in the first place. DON'T listen to him, resist the devil and he will flee from you. Cry out to God, ask him to give you the strengh you need. Ask him to give you a prayer partner and warrior, that will help strenghten you in this walk. Ask him to lead you to the church that he wants you to attend. I will share this with you so that you'll know that you are not alone; I have never experience addiction to drugs and alcohol, but I know about the molestation of children. My children was molested by a family member, which resulted in a child being born and I've got one child that's suffering from an identity complex because of that. It tore the family up for awhile, but God restored it. I know it dosen't stop the hurt, but maybe this will ease the pain and let you know that God is able. Trust Him, and give satan back his tools. You are the kings daughter. Gal. 6;i say Brethren (Sisters) if a man (woman) be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore suh a one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. I believe this is a spiritual and godly board and I know I feel the love of Jesus from reading it, as a member I say welcome back home to the body of Christ in the name of Jesus. He never left you and His arms are open wide, waiting to embrace you. God bles, pooky

Trish, I lift you in prayer now before God and ask Him to illuminate very brightly the issue or issues that you are running from. I have a strong sense of running scared and Spiritual warfare (keeping you from a church family and a connection that would give you accountability and love). Do you have some unresolved forgiveness issues (with yourself?) that may be driving the need to self-destruct? Are you in a 12 step program? Please don't cut yourself off from people who can care for you and love you through this tough time. Be assured of continued prayers for wisdom, courage, repentance and obedience.

Trish I am so sorry to hear of your pain. Unfortunately I know too well of abuse by a husband. It is very hard to overcome, but never the less, can be overcome. It is very easy to backslide when you are sad. I have been that way myself many times. But remember, it is not God who tempts us, but satan himself. We have the authority to bind the powers of the enemy. Christ gave us that power. He nailed all our sins to the cross with Him. I will keep you in daily prayer. If you would like to email me and talk more I would welcome that. I saw that Dawn as stepped up as your accountabilty partner. She is so filled with the Holy Spirit. God's blessing indeed. He has answered your prayers. If you need a prayer partner I would love to be that for you as well. I am a new christian, only 2 years. But Our Lord and Saviour has been a constant in my life and without Him I am nothing. I just want to let you know, I am still with my husband, and through much counseling the abuse has stopped. Though we have a long way to go, I find I am respecting myself and my husband as well. I give my marriage up to God each and everyday. My husband isn't saved yet. But God isn't finished with him yet. lol. I know all good things will come to you in God's time. Remember trials are how we grow spiritually mature. God Bless you. In His love and mine, Debbie G.

Dearest Trish, I know what you're going through with the feeling with the loss of connection with the church and the struggle with the drugs. I am a recovering prescription drug addict. I sense that there is so much spiritual warfare going on in your life, but you have made the first step in the 12 steps.... You have admitted that you are powerless and that your life has become unmanageable. I would agree that a 12 step program would help you very much even if you have not relapsed lately with drugs. There are 12 step programs for smoking Nicotine Anonymous. I have friends in AA that have found the group very helpful. I have been a Christian for over 30 years and I know god has called me as an intercessor. I will pray for you. You do need to put down the cigarettes before the surgery for your health's sake. I will be a prayer partner with you also if you wish. You can email me or IM me at either [email protected] or [email protected] and we can talk and pray together. Right now I am believing that the enemy of your soul is bound and that intercessors will rise up near you that can touch you and pray with you with effectiveness and spirit filled effectiveness. I loose peace into your spirit, soul and body. I bind every spirit that would hinder your cessation of smoking including the spirit of poverty. You are a child of the King. Your Father has adopted you and loves you with an everlasting love. Blessings to you.... In His awesome Name, Carolyn

You can do all things thrugh CHRIST who STRENGTHENS YOU!!!!! You can do this you have been thrugh so much and now GOD has you and he will not let you GO so open your arms wide and LET HIM IN!!! You can do this!!! You are in my prayers!!!!!!!!!!