Hate, Resentment, Despise..Please help!!

This what I feel about my ex-husband right now. Not sure if most you know but my husband left me last year on February 13. I was at church that evening when I answered my cell phone just for him to tell me he was gone. (Please see my post on my profile dated 8/2/05...there's a little bit more on that post). He tried to come back into our lives (my son and I) little bit before he found out I had a boyfriend. He too was dating someone, actually already living with someone when all of this happened. He even found out that my son prefers my boyfriend over him and that really broke his heart and maybe that's why he insisted in working things out with me. I never lied to my boyfriend about Joe (ex-husband) wanting to come back and he would even let me go to either lunch or even out of town with my ex-husband to give him one more chance. My boyfriend would tell me that because he loved me he would be willing to let me go and he did. I did realize that spending the Thanksgiving weekend with Joe was a big mistake. We ended up arguing an crying together and realized we didn't belong together. I also realized that weekend I was in love. I was in love and still am of my boyfriend, the man I feel God sent to me. He's the man I used to Thank God for in advance (and still do). Well, my ex-husband's girlfriend found out about him trying to get back with me and went crazy. She even cursed at me over the phone wanting to know what had happened. All I told her I was that if he really loved her, he would tell her. He didn't. He kept lying to her thinking he would get away with it. One Wednesday evening I was with my boyfriend and my brother shopping at Wal-mart when my son calls me to tell me Claudia (his dad's girlfriend) had called me. By this time she had already called me before and had left me a voicemail apologizing for the word she used when she cussed at me. (she had used the B word and all I told her was that she didn't't have to use that kind of language to speak to me). I guess she had realized that I wasn't the bad person she thought I was and she called me to tell me that because of me she had left him. She left him because I opened her eyes about him and that I was right, that if he loved her he would have told her what we did and where we went. We talked for over an hour and she even talked very bad about him. All I did was listen. She said she was never going back with him and that she might even put a restraining order on him because he kept knocking on her (stalking her) wanting to get back with her. A few days later he called me to let me know he was back with her and that he didn't want any problems. All I said is was that if he had problems it was because of his lies to her. To make a long story short he's with her and I'm happy for him. He didn't have time to spend Christmas or New years Eve. It was my son's birthday yesterday and my ex-husband didn't even bother to come see him for at least 5 minutes. He did call him and was supposed to drop by and he didn't. This is not the first time he hurts my son. My son used to wake up in the middle of the night crying that he missed his dad when he left us. Joe would spend months without coming to see Joey. I even sent him emails and kept copies of how I used to BEG him to come around to see Joey and he never did. When he did try to get close to my son he found out that someone else had won my son's affection. I'm happy for him because he's with Claudia but I'm not happy about the way I feel towards him. I feel hate, resentment and I feel like I despise him. He keeps hurting what I love most and it's starting to get to me. This morning he called me when I was on my way to work and said he was sorry for not coming by to see Joey. I told him not to be sorry with me but to be sorry with him and told him I had to go and hung up. I felt so much anger I couldn't control myself and called him back. I told him to stay away from my son and for him to start having kids of his own with her because my son didn't need him. My son does need him but he keeps putting his girlfriend before him. All I can do is really NOTHING. I've tried talking to Joe about but we always end up arguing. By the way, my son cried yesterday with a lot of resentment and said yesterday was the worst birthday he had ever had. I then talked to him and was able to put a smile back on his face. Yesterday morning I had breakfast with my son at IHOP and then took him to Best Buy to buy him a speed racing game for his PSP. He loves cars and all the games he owns are about cars/racing. We spent most of the day at home and after I was through talking to him my boyfriend and I took him to chucky cheeses to eat pizza and play some games. My little cousin whom I'm also raising is back from visiting her dad so she came along as well and we all had a good time. Please help me. Please help me pray for God to take this awful feeling away from my heart. I don't want to hate him but sometimes I feel I do. I'm happy with my boyfriend and we're planning on getting married this year. My son loves this man and they get along very well. I'm happy but the only thing that is now a burden in my heart is this hate and resentment towards my son's dad. Please keep me in your prayers, Letty P.S. I'm so sorry for this long post. I just had to vent and get this off my chest.

My Dear Sweet Letty, I am sorry that both you and your dear son are going through so much. Letty, I know your heart and your love of God's Word and I know you are struggling with these ugly feelings towards your son's dad and you have come to a safe place - a place where hopefully we are not going to judge you but pray for you and your son. My heart goes out to you because I know you have an understanding of what God means when He calls our children "treasures." They are indeed treasures and when someone mistreats them it is hard not to become mother bear and despise that which is trying to hurt them. You spoke honestly when you asked for help for God to take these feelings away and my dear sister I am lifting you up. Please don't feel bad about the long post - you spoke your heart and it is obvious that you truly want to turn this over to God. I am there for you in prayer! I love you! God Bless, Lynda Phil. 4:8

Lynda THANK YOU so much for your kind words! My baby means everything to me and it hurts for him to keep hurting him. I have seen my son cry for this man and he doesn't seem to care. I know that Joe does love Joey but I have a feeling his girlfriend might be keeping him away. Joe came over to drop off Joey's Christmas gifts on Sunday and when my son ran inside to go get his PSP to show his dad, she called him. I felt as if she's monitoring his time with my son and I don't like that. I also understand that she might not trust him for trying to get back with me while still being with her but that's not my son's problem. When he hung up with her I told him he should have told her not to worry about me, that I was not interested in getting him back. I know it was not nice to say that but it seems that she now controls him and his time with my son.**sigh** Thank you for your prayers. Love you, Letty

Hi Letty, I read your post, and girl my heart goes out to you. I to have struggled with that same situation with my children and their fathers. When we see our children hurt, we hurt too. Just as you are a God's child, when He sees that your hurting, it hurts him too. You can get into the presence of Daddy God and climb up in his lap and just let it all go, because he cares for you and is always there. I would also like to encourage you to pray and ask God to heal the hurt in both you and your son's hearts. Sometimes that's not an easy process. It's when we let these emotions set up residence in our heart then our heart becomes hard. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share with us. You will be in my prayers and if you every need to talk please email me. Love and blessings to you, Val

Thank you so much for your kind words! When he left I prayed and prayed and those feelings were gone PTL. But now there back and I don't like feeling like this. I'll start praying about it again. Even hearing his voice over the phone upsets me and I'm not supposed to feel like this. Hugs, Letty

Hi Letty, I know how speaking as a mother to a child whom's father walked out on us as well. My daughter's father walked out on me before she was born and I felt so much resentment, hatred, etc. towards him for the longest time. Especially since I had to struggle and depend on everyone else to help me raise my daughter. It took him 7 years to come around and finally meet his daughter. I didn't want him to meet her because I despised him for walking out like that but I did it for the sake of my daughter. I didn't want her to resent me for not allowing her to get to know her father. He still walks in and out of our lives. Calls every so often when he feels like, doesn't celebrate her birthdays or holidays but the Christ in me has allowed me to get past the hatred and resentment. Eventhough he didn't do anything for us for 8 years of her life, I still have to be that forgiving person. I have to be strong for my daughter. Its hard but I think about what would Jesus do and I know that He would forgive. Letty, I know that your ex-husband has hurt you and your son. It hurts, it really hurts. But I know that Christ lives in you and you can learn to forgive. Think about Jesus dying on the cross and in spite of how they treated Him, He said, "Father, forgive them." I am a strong believer in what goes around, comes around. I do not wish anything bad on people but I know that one day we all will have to enter Heaven and I want to here the Lord say "Well done my daughter, you have been faithful over a few things, come and spend eternity with me." Your ex-husband will one day have to face his own battle and he will have to deal with his issues and its going to hit him hard. Its going to hurt your son but be that strong mother that you are and stand by his side. When he gets older he is always going to remember that and he will be old enough to realize how his father treated the both of you and he will understand better. I am praying for you, my Angel. Please do not hesitate to call me if you want to talk. I have been there and know how it feels to have someone walk out on you like that and have to deal with the foolishness. JaNae

Thank you so much for your kind words my Angelette. I have been strong to this day but now that this resentment is back in my heart I feel weak about the whole situation. He's hurting my baby and that kills me. My son had gotten over the fact he was gone but now he's putting her first and my son sees that and it brakes his heart as well as mine. I'm going to be honest with you. I have a feeling his relationship with her is not going to last and he's going to end up BEGGING my son for forgiveness. When he found out my son prefers my boyfriend over him and that my son doesn't feel comfortable with him around it broke his heart. I'm not kidding you, he cried like a baby. When that happened I told him, "I used to call you, email you and even BEG you to come see him. This is your fault and nobody can fix it but you." He said he would but I don't see that change. Love you bunches my Angelette and thanks for listening! I'll call you tonight. Hugs, Letty

Letty, I know how you are feeling!! If you would like to talk more about it please feel free to call me anytime!! I am at 308-381-7805 I will continue to pray for you and little Joey!! You are doing all the right things, just keep it up!! You are a strong beautiful woman who deserves the best and I believe that will happen for you! In his love, Steph p.s. I have free long distance if you would like me to call you, I would love to be there for you, after all we are sisters in Chirst!!! Love you girl!!

Thank you Steph!!

Letty, Long story short...I have been where you are now. My ex walked out on us...had an affair and left when my son was 4, and my daughter was 14 months old...and left 3 weeks before Christmas. I had no job, and was in the middle of nursing school.I had to beg him to see them. They fought me for custody, only bc of the money I got in the the child support original settlement. I was accused of child abuse during the fight for custody, treated like a criminal...and my little girl had to go through things a child should not have to go through...all because of his greed. He left me for a girl that is years younger, and he married her. She thought she could parent better than me...and they both thought I did everything wrong. Well...he is an "important person" LOL where we are from, so he ended up getting shared physical custody...despite the fact that I had letters from my son's therapist saying it was not in his best interest, and documentation that his dad did not take him to activities. My kids were shuffled back and forth EVERY WEEK for several years. I was so full of anger and resentment for a long time. I mean, I was the one that was always there, that never abandoned these kids, and for some reason, now they were being taken away for 2 weeks out of every month and being put in a non-Christian home. I had a really hard time with that. A really hard time...because they continued to do things to try to get to me....until I just gave it all up to Jesus. I knew I was supposed to, and it is really easy to say to do it, but it is much harder when it is your kids. The saying "I don't care what you do to me...but I care what you do to my kids..." is oh so true. I had to be taught that I can't control how other people act...but I can control how I act. I know it is hard...but try to remember also that God allows us to go through things so that we can be comforters to others. How else would I be able to type this to you, and be able to share this piece of my testimony, if I had not walked this walk? Cry your eyes out if it makes you feel better, get on your face, and let him know you can't do it alone. That little boy will be 13 tomorrow, and my daughter is now 9, and I have you know that God worked some awesome things in my life, and I will share them with you to encourage you. I graduated nursing school with honors...despite the fact that he had my car repo'd(was in his name...his credit...LOL). I also immediately went BACK to school and got my bachelor of science in nursing....again...graduating with honors. That made them mad. She clipped the thing out of the paper and sent me a nasty note telling me no wonder I had no time for a life. That was the kind of people I was dealing with. But, God was faithful. If he is in something, you can move mountains. I also am now remarried to the most awesome, Christian man, who loves all of my kids like his own, and he is better to them, sees them more than their own dad. Biggest praise report...you will love this one....I am now on cordial terms with the stepmother. She even confides with me that she and my ex don't get along so well. This past summer, she started talking to me about how he is never home and it is unfair to her to have to keep my kids all the time. WHAT???? After all this time???? Prayer can move mountains. I did not think this would ever happen, but by the grace of God, as of this school year, my kids are with me FULL TIME, and go to see their dad on the weekends, and will spend the summer with him...like I originally asked for in the first place! PRAISE GOD!!!!!! We are going through some adjustments, and it has surprised me that even when he was supposed to have them some, he has called me to ask me to keep them now. He is never there anyway. So, at least for most of the year, they will be under Christian influence. OK, so one long post deserves another...LOL...but if it encourages you...or someone else...then it was well worth it. Believe it or not, this was the short version. We are all here to encourage each other. Let me know if I can help more. I will be praying for you. Been there, done that...got the T-shirt...hmmm...I got the wardrobe. Oh....one thing I did do to help keep reminding me of where I needed to be was to plaster these verses in front of my computer so I would see them whenever I sat down. 1 Peter 4:12-19 12 Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. 13 Instead, be very glad - because these trials will make you partners with Christ in his suffering, and afterward you will have the wonderful joy of sharing his glory when it is displayed to all the world. 1 Peter 1:6-9 6 So be truly glad! F1 There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. 7 These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold - and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. Romans 5:3 3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to endure. Love in Christ, Stephanie