If you never needed a miracle...

You'd never experience the joy of seeing an all-powerful God's hand move on your behalf in a way that could not have happened unless He did it. Well I know I need a miracle. The odds are so-so that DH's insurance will cover wls - it's reasonable to hope that it will. But we'll still probably have to jump through a lot of hoops and it may not be without many of the same obstacles everyone else runs into. But beyond that, I want DS, not RNY. And I am so convinced that it is the only thing that is right for me that I will simply not have wls if I can't have DS. That throws up a whole bunch of other obstacles. The closest recommended DS clinic is 5 hours away from here and the ins would be considered out of network, so instead of paying about $4k the price would be about $12K and right there is an obstacle insurmountable if we are limited to our cir****tances. Nevertheless, I'm not so sure I should even want it if it's not something that God wants to provide for me. And that's not to say I expect the whole thing to fall in my lap with no effort at all on my part. It's just that this will require a lot of sacrifices at best and is risky business at worst and dying isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person, especially a Christian. I have been known to jump onto ships headed for Taursus when what God told me to do was to go to Ninevah, ya know? That never ends well, so from now on I really only want to go where He leads me, and stay away from everywhere else. That said, my heart... oh in my heart I am sooo tired of the problems with MO and I just want to quit living with defeat. I want it I want it I want it. I want to be healthy and strong and unstoppable. So for now, all I really have to do is take each step as it comes, but keep a pure heart before Him. Either what I want is what He wants me to have, or I have to be willing to let it go. It shouldn't be all that hard to figure out. That's one thing about needing a miracle. If you need one and it doesn't happen, it's just about as sure a sign as if you did get it. Denise

I WILL HELP YOU PRAY FOR YOUR MIRACLE DENISE. BUT I WANT TO ADD THAT I AM 59, HAD MY RNY AT 58 AND DID VERY WELL. MY DR. ONLY DOES OPEN RNY, HE SAID IT HAS THE BEST SUCCESS RATE , DON'T KNOW, JUST GOING BY WHAT HE SAID. GOD BLESS YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY. TRUDY

Thanks Trudy. I appreciate your prayers. I can't ask anyone to make the sacrifice or take the risks ( yes when I take the risk my family is risking too) for something that I don't think will fix my problem. What really needs healing is my 'controller'. On phen-fen I discovered that, until taking it, I had never known how it felt to eat and be satisfied, so I just eat too much. Week before last I heard on the news where they are testing a new "vaccine" for obesity. It doesn't help people lose weight, but to keep from regaining it. They explained that there is something in some people's brains that creates an overwhelming drive to overeat after they lost a lot of weight; the vaccine fixes that problem. It's only in Europe and only in testing phase. I bet we're both dead before it hits the market here. When I came to this board I learned that RNY only works for a couple of years more or less, then over and over again they always say all the same thing: Use your honeymoon period to learn how to eat, because after that maintaining your loss is all about you making all the right choices all the time. Well I understand what I need to do portion and choice wise, I've always known that and I've never yet had any success doing it over a long term. I believe that whatever the 'switch' is in your brain that tells your brain you're done and no longer interested in eating is broken in my brain. That's why I've always been able to loose great amts of weight but never keep it off. If RNY only works in the initial losing phase, it's not going to do the trick. There is too much at stake here for me to chance a procdure that might not be permanent weight loss. Since my internal controller is broken and I can only fight the urge for a period of time before I lose the battle and regain the weight, I need that external control, and I need it permanently. If I have to go back to depending on willpower and super low calorie diets and Atkins and diet pills to keep the weight off after a couple of years, there's no use investing in RNY. I know those didn't work before and they won't work later. Why take the risk or spend the money? The long-term maintenance of the loss is statistically better with DS. From the DS forum, where I was directed when I questioned why all these RNY people are having such terrible struggles, I learned that the external control provided by DS lasts far longer. One stat I was reading http://www.gr-ds.com/generalinformation/comparison.html that compared 4 procedures said with RNY more than 30% regain more than 15% of their weight or lose less than 50% to start. I can't be having that. This thing has to work, and it has to work permanently, and it has to work without depending on me to do the very thing I've failed at forever. I don't mind healthy choices and appropriate portions, but I need something that will cover me for the times when the drive to overdo is overwhelming. Even dumping only works for a while, and I don't see it as behavior modification - I see it as another confirmation that touching anything associated with being fat, even a bite of birthday cake at a party (which ought to be absolutely normal), confirms that I am a terrible person and deserve only severe punishment and degradation. (After all, that's the way it's always been.) I"ve decided I"m done with all of that - so done with that, in fact, that if it means they have to use a crane to bury me, so be it. I refuse to live like that anymore, ever. This statement is a quote from Melissa Mermaid's profile: "Then the fact that - again, in my surgeon's words - "RNYers tend to start gaining weight at about one year to 18 months out; we don't know why" further influenced my decision. He said only those who have completely modified their eating behaviors and avidly work out were able to maintain their full weight loss over time. Well, that's what I did the last time I lost weight and still managed to gain it back. To me, surgery is supposed to give me an edge I cannot otherwise attain, I felt no certainty that the RNY held for me the same edge that the DS does." http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=M1075682974 I'm not telling anyone else that RNY is wrong; I'm just saying that I am convinced it is wrong for me. Not just second best - WRONG. After reading a half dozen different web site boards at different places for two weeks and being just sick at the things repeated over and over, ( regain unless drastic calorie reduction and massive exercise; all dependent on your being able to change your own way of dealing with food) I was ready to give up on WLS all together until I learned that DS offers the answers to the things about which I was so concerned. I do believe that when an angel suggested that I check out the DS forum, it was a sign. Not a burning bush, just a "don't turn there, turn here". I was ready to give up the idea of WLS together - I mean wash my hands of the whole deal because I know what I've been through before and could see from the other's experience that I'd be back in the same boat I've been in every other time I lost weight. It wouldn't be worth it. But maybe the Lord didn't intend for me to give up on the idea, because now I have new hope that WLS might be the answer. If I'm joining in with His idea, then I can trust Him to make it work, right? Denise