New here and really depressed (long post)

Hi everyone. My name is Annie, I have lurked here off and on for awhile now, but I don't think I have ever posted, maybe once, but not sure. I am in serious need of prayers. I have been in a really bad depression lately, probably the last month. Not sure how long. It seems as though it is getting worse. I am on meds now for it, but I haven't been taking them. I know I need to take them so I don't feel this way. I don't know why I don't take them. I think it is because of the overwhelming of having to take my other meds plus the vitamins. I have been having trouble taking those too. I have a lot of things going on around me. I mean, I feel my Christian life getting stronger even through this depression and I feel that may be part of the reason for the depression too. I know it sounds really weird reading that. I think it is because it scares me to get so close to God. I have been close to God so many times then I fall away and I go back and forth. I think that is why I am scared because I don't want it to happen again. I am where I want to be for the time being with God, I mean I could do better in the prayer and reading and studying my bible department, but with my relationship with God I am doing good, I am pretty sure, at least I feel at peace with it. I have also found out about a month ago that a couple I know, Dave and Bonnie, Dave has cancer. He started out with pneumonia and it wasn't getting any better, so he went to an Oncologist and they did a scope and found a tumor on his lungs. They did a biopsy and it was bad. The doctors gave him 6 months to live. It had already spread to his liver at that point and is rapidly spreading. He is doing chemo treatments, but the doctors are not hopeful. My grandparents are another issue. My grandpa is one of the best men that I have ever known, I love him to death. He will be 81 in July. He has some health problems but not bad. We think he is getting alhzeimers though. He has a good long term memory, but his short term memory is bad and is getting worse. My grandma on the other hand has a lot of health problems and is pretty much bedridden. She suffers from dementia too. When she has her episodes she is really bad. It is to the point no one wants to go over there with how bad she is with us. She has pretty much ran her family out. So, my grandpa doesn't hardly get any visitors and I feel so bad because I always want to go over and visit with him, but I can't handle being around my grandma, especially now with the depression being so bad. She is just really mean and is really mean to my grandpa. She is always yelling at him and bad mouthing him. My aunt goes over there once a week or more and does grocery shopping and other things, I go over there usually when she goes grocery shopping, but I haven't been there lately. I am scared to go around my grandma and that is pretty bad, but I want to be around my grandpa because I know he isn't going to be around that much longer. My grandma bad mouths everyone, saying that no one does anything for her, she won't let anyone do anything for her. She even bad mouths my aunt and she does everything for her that she can. She can't say anything without being mean about someone or something. I don't know what to do. I keep praying for them, but it doesn't seem to be enough for me. I want to go see my grandpa, but I can't do it. I get to where I will be right in front of their house and then I get scared and keep going. Then it seems like every time I hear something bad on the news or read it on the internet news, like the 2 little girls in Zion, Illinois that got killed, I don't know how many of you heard about that, one of the little girls father killed both of them. Whenever I hear something like that or read something like that it effects me really bad, even though I don't know them, ya know? I have really be in a bad emotional state. I am suppose to get some counseling from my asst. pastor's wife, but don't know when, I need to email her today, now that I think of it. I went by the cemetary the other day and I was in a good mood. I was on my way to my surgeon's office and had some time to spare. My dad had died almost 18 years ago and then I have a cousin that I was close to and we are only 6 months apart, she had killed herself in 2001 and she is buried not very far from my dad, just in another section. Well, I was doing good and when I got close to where my dad was I started getting nervous and then when I got to where my cousin was I just started bawling like there was no tomorrow. I am still having a hard time dealing with my cousin's death and it has been almost 4 years. I know this is long and I am sorry it is so long. I just need a lot of prayer right now. I don't know what else to do or where to turn to. I am not suicidal, so that isn't an issue, but I don't want to get any worse than I am either. I know I need to take my meds. I am not hardly sleeping either. I take a pain med at night and then I sleep for a couple hours and then I am up for the rest of the night. I have been sleeping during the day and when I do, I sleep really hard. It seems like that is all I want to do is sleep. I am a college student and I only have one class now until next month and then I have another one. The class load is not much. there are only 8 mandatory days that I have to attend for each class, so it can't really get any easier than that, but I don't want to get to the point to where I don't go to those or do homework either. I guess I just really need someone to talk to. If anyone is interested in talking, I am on yahoo messenger and my ID is Smiley_Girl_32. Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest. It didn't help to get it off my chest, but I pray that you will pray for me. Annie Surgery 2/25/05 370/312/140 -58 lbs.

Dear Annie, This is a very hard time for you. Please keep close to the Lord. Annie, if I can encourage you in any way this is it. Open the Bible and read Gods word straight to you. I am not sure how long you have been walking with the Lord, but there is no better place. The Holy Spirit will be your Comforter. Please make contact with your pastor and he can have some one be a prayer partner with you. Also, if you have ever been in a Bible study this will help. I am not sure if you know anything about Beth Moore you can find her on the web under Living Proof Ministry, she has a wonderful outreach. Annie, please take your medicine. This is a very stressful time, having surgery, going to college, and just keeping up all that has to be done is such a process. Don't be hard on yourself. Let me pray for you, Dear Lord, Let Annie hear from you. As she has her quiet time let her feel Your presence. Lord I pray that her grandmother's heart will be softened and that Annie is able to have visitation with her grandfather. In all things give praise to the Lord. In Jesus Name, Sheila

Oh Annie, bless you. I have struggled on and off with bad depression/panic since my youngest was toddling (he's 19 and married now) but I had what I now know are panic attacks when I was a very young girl. Back then the only thing that triggered it was End Times stuff; I now know that this is rooted in family dysfunction that used bad doctrine as a baseball bat to beat me up. Funny how knowing the truth doesn't change the body's response, huh? At any rate, now I and have been on different meds at different times for the last 15-18yrs. The only ones that worked GREAT were zoloft and pondimen. The others worked, but only to an extent. I don't like taking them either, because first I don't like the discipline of having to take the pills and second there were a few side effects - on my body AND on my pocketbook - that were a bit troublesome. However, at 44 I'm realizing that the number of days granted to me is dwindling, and I"m no longer willing to lose even one to something that I have the power to change. So, should my body rebel again to the point where I need to take them, I would and would just blow off the side effects as a reasonable price to pay for getting my life back ( kind of like the sacrifices that RNY pts. choose). It's not bad right now and I can *Live* without them. That's *live* as in - have Life abundantly. I wrote my testimony to a home group member just the other day to try to encourage her, and I'm going to paste it here in hopes that it will encourage you, too. If, like me, the organic causes are things that your will (and the Father's help) can overcome, go for it and you won't need to take the meds. If not...life is short. Don't lose another day that you don't have to lose. Here is the copy I sent to her: Rhonda; Lord has ministered to me in a powerful way about depression, fear, worry, and panic attacks. I hope that what He has taught me will minister to you as well: There is no argument that, whatever our cir****tances, we have been given much for which we could be thankful. Wildly, rejoicingly, dancingly thankful! When we are ensnared in depression, fear, worry, and panic attacks, we are actually trading today's joy to purchase tomorrow's *possible* troubles. Each day we are given is a gift. Joy embraces it; Worry, depression, fear, and panic attacks pu**** away. When a day is pushed away, it is gone forever. At 44 (still have a few more weeks!) I'm realizing that the reserve of the days I will be given is dwindling at an alarming pace. Most of the root of the worry, depression, fear, and panic attacks has to do with 'what if' - using our imaginations and thoughts to write checks against bad possibilities in the future. It is in this that we have been admonished to "take every thought captive" and "cast down evil imaginations." Any time our thoughts purchase tomorrow's troubles, they are not at all captive, but rushing around willy-nilly in our heads. Where is our joy? It has been tossed aside in favor of the bullies of imagining tomorrow's hurts. Even worse, those imaginations in no way reflect faith in our loving Father's grace and His intervention on our behalf. When this really got down in my spirit, I realized that I was wasting precious time. And it made me mad. And the answer - taking every thought captive and casting down the evil imaginations that were only future possibilities that were at the root of the bad feelings - well, that answer really works. It's possible to stand up, straighten your shoulders and square up your resolve and say, "HEY! I have the gift of a day. I am NOT going to lose it to things that might happen tomorrow. Sure, there are some worrisome cir****tances, but my Father has them well in hand and I am NOT going to devalue His workings in my life by embracing things that come from hell, not heaven. It is here and now that I am casting down this evil imagination - those thoughts are taken captive and will no longer bully me around." It is positively supernatural how, at that point, I have found it possible to go on about my business as though there was nothing bad in the world. Of course there are things that will hurt us and make us feel bad. We can be sick or lose a loved one, and feeling bad about something like that is completely legitimate and not the same thing as what we were talking about above. It's ok to crawl up in Daddy's lap and cry a while. But it's not hard to see the difference between that and worry stealing our joy and our days along with it. I might not have said this very well or in a very encouraging fashion, but please know that the Kingdom of heaven is righteousness, PEACE, and JOY in the Holy Ghost. I would love to hear a testimony of your defeat of the prince of the power of the air, and see your countenance reflect your JOY in that victory! Be blessed - you ARE a blessing! Denise