OT:I need some christian advice for a difficult ?

I know this is really off topic but I value the advice here on this board. My husband and I's very good friends are having some problems and they are both christians also. They own a restaurant which is already hard enough to have to work together but lately he has been coming home at weird hours of the night and just plain acting different. He is 41 years old and now how decided to dye his hair, started shaving his chest etc. kind of acting like a mid life crisis thing....well his wife is really suspecting things and kind of broke down and told us how she wants to trust him but she is doubting him. Well heres the catch....My daughter is 19 and he has alot of girls working there the same age. I worked there for awhile and my daughter became friends with this one girl there that is 19 also she even started to get her to start to come to our church. Well she confides in our daughter and a few months ago told her that she is having an affair with our friend. Some of things she told her were just shocking....My daughter is really upset that he is doing this especially since he has a daughter from his first marriage that same age. She can't understand why he would do this and be going to church and acting this way. I hate knowing this and seeing our friend be lied to this badly. She does suspect and when she confronts him he just lies and lies....One of his lines is why would I do that with a girl the same age as my own daughter. How would you all handle this? Its eating me up inside. They are very close to us and I pray that God will help me in knowing what to say or do? I just don't know. Me and her even went to their restaurant last night and kind of wanted to surprise them, which they were there alone, and he left and went back to their house where our daughter was there with their kids and mine and also my husband was there. My daughter said when he came home from the restaurant....he said to her "why didn't you call and let us know they were on the way" He does know that our daughter knows. He said that was a close one. And he also said that he saw us pulling in so it wasn't a real big surprise. Well sorry this is so long.....but I just really need some advice on how you would handle this.......Please keep this all in your prayers..... God Bless, Jen

Hey Jennifer, Wow - this situation has really put you in a difficult place. But the fact that your daughter has become involved puts a very different light on it than if it was just the adults - even though at 19 your daughter is legally an adult, she is still too young to be put in in a situation like this. My advice would be to confront this man and tell him he can not expect for your daughter to have to lie for him - he is compromising her integrity and forcing her to make decisions she is not old enough to have to confront. Put this mess back at his feet where it belongs. I think it would probably be a good idea to have your daughter stop working there - it isn't a good envirnoment for her - what if it had been your daughter this man tried to seduce instead of her friend? I don't know what to tell you as far as telling your friend (his wife). I will be praying for you and her. Pam

I was in your friends shoes 13 years ago and my now exhusband had several affairs with 8 different women of whom 4 I knew. Just like your friend I knew something was going wrong in our marriage but I just did not know what it was. My ex began making external changes to make his self look younger, staying out late the whole nine yards. This went on for years and we became so distant from each other until we were like roomates. I had two babies at the time and put my energy into raising our twins. One day I was at whits in and I got down on my knees and prayed ... Lord what ever it is that is destroying my marriage please expose it. The next day I was doing my usual laundry and house cleaning and him being intoxicated the night before was careless. I found evidence of him having an affair with 4 women that I knew(so called friends) and when confronted he confessed the other 4. I was devastated but relieved. I think the that one of the worst part of it all was that everyone including family and friends knew and did not tell me. My best girlfriend of 20 plus years knew also and she actually spoke to him about it beacuse on of the women involoved was her sister. But she said that she didn't know exactly how to tell me without me being hurt and she could not bring herself around to doing it. Seek spiritrual advice from your pastor/spiritural leader as to how to handle this matter the best way possible. However it is dealt with, it is going to be hurtful to all parties involved. My heart goes out to your friend ... being deceived by the one you love. Know I know how Jesus must have felt hanging on that old rugged cross because of those He so dearly love. Your friend is in my prayers. Georgeann

Thank you so much for your reply! I really would like to go to our Pastor but I just feel that I'm betraying trust.....Or maybe letting some people down....They really look at this couple as a happily married couple who are really involved in church. More so my friend....than her husband. Alot of our Pastors and families go to their restaurant alot....In fact we do a thing on Halloween called Light the Night which is an outreach for kids showing them the love of God and focusing away from the dark side of Halloween....we have around 200 kids show up the past two years and we were able to hand out bibles and witness to kids and their parents who may have never heard the word of God. We are meeting at their restaurant tomorrow to plan everything....we hold it there to because there is alot of land in the back. They all see this guy in a totally different light than what I know....I really feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. My husband and I did confront him yesterday about it and he at first denied it but then finally admitted it. This has been going on since February he said. I was shocked at that....I said you know that you going to lose your family and he said he doesn't want that and he knows he has to change some things but he said he would be lying if he would say that he is going to stop cold turkey....its going to take some time. He asked us to not tell her because it would destroy her and their marriage. Do I really want to be the bearer of bad news? and be responsible for being the one who told? I just don't know what to do. Its so hard to be with my friend and know what I know. I saw her at church today and it was just hard to look her right in the eyes. There is so much more that I could write about the things he was saying but I don't want to be real long, but I just don't know. I'm going to think long and hard about going to our senior pastor and asking him what to do. I just thank the Lord for this website and being able to come to you all for your thoughts and prayers......This is truly a blessing for me! I appreciate all your help.....If you have anymore thoughts I would love to hear them. In Christ, Jennifer

Hello....Thank you so much for replying back. I truly appreciate it. My daughter doesn't work at the restaurant but she is friends with the girl that does work there....They are real close friends but they do talk on the phone alot.....My daughter has lost so much respect for her and our friend.....as have I.....I know that we can't turn away from them because I know Jesus surely didn't turn away from anyone....I just have to pray and believe that they will admit their wrong doing and turn back to God and heal their marriage. Thanks again for your email...... In Christ, Jennifer

I would tell him that you are going to give him one week to tell his wife or you are going to tell her. Even if you don't intend on doing it, it should shake him up. HE really just needs to be a man and face up to it. Maybe she could get her pastor to go with her to confront her husband and the girl together at the restaurant. It is bad enough that he is doing such a thing, but when you claim to be a "christain" doing things like that it gives us all a bad name. I will pray that the Lord will convict him and he will confess and turn from his sin, and also be open to counseling with his wife to repair their marriage. A good friend of mine just got divorced from her husband who had been very active in the church. The sin of adultery got to him and he left her, more than once, for other women. She finally realized that he was unrepentant and would continue to hurt her and their 3 children by coming and going from their lives. It was so hard to see her hurting, but at least now she has some stability for herself and the kids. Sometimes you just have to see a goat as a goat and cut it from the herd. It is so sad to see christians divorce. This may be bad advice, but I havent' been a christian very long, so my biblical advice/knowledge just isn't there yet. But, I have years of experience with rotten men! LOL My husband now is a real God-send. He is so devoted to his family, and I know I would be the one more likely to cheat. (Don't have any plans on doing that!) That is how much faith I have in my wonderful husband. Sherri

Dearest Jennifer~ I read the posting from last evening and I am sorry you have been put in a position such as this. No doubt you are torn up, angry, hurt and saddened for your friend. When a member of the body of Christ is causing such harm and confusion, someone needs to expose the dark sin to Godly Light. Thank you for trusting us with that situation. We love you. I can't help but feel the only way to go about addressing this would be Biblically. The Pastor and an Elder, (or two mature Godly men), should be given this awful information in order to gently confront the adulterer. But she will need Godly counsel and comfort too. If there is an older woman in the church that would be willing to come alongside the wife, tell her of her husband infidelity, be willing to support her and be willing to walk through this with her, without being judegmental is curcial in helping to heal her deep wounds. Bless her Lord, please. Have heart dear one. God can make miracles happen in even the most desperate of situations. Adultery is an awful, sorrowful thing. I faced it myself. But when God works it's....well, uh, beyond description. Our marriage survived, though it wasn't easy, and it has become a union that Glorifies God today. I/we will be lifting up your friend, her husband and even the mistress in prayer. Painful, so painful. I'm sorry. Loving him more each day, Sally

This is awful and should be exposed and dealt with. We as Christians are supposed to be closer than flesh and blood brotheres and sisters. I say that because we have a responsibility to the body of Christ. If the hand hurts, so does the finger if you get my point. He is hurting himself, his family and the young lady he is seeing not to mentions other Christians that know. Scripture tells us that we first go to the person in sin and try to talk to him if he/she does not listen, gather 2 or 3 witnesses, if they still don't change you take it before the church. It is better for that he be exposed and repent than to stay in that sin and let is fester and he gets so deep that he cannot get out. I would let him know that he is hurting a lot of people and if he does not change, repent and talk with his wife he is going to be very sorry. Let him know that this is difficult for you to do but if he does not get back in place with God you are going to have to take it up with the church, and you feel obligated to tell his wife and you want them to resolve theirs issues and be restored. It needs to know that God sees him and is not going to lett him destroyed the lives of others living like a sinner. I know this is hard but too much is at stake. Thank God that everyone can recover from this. He just needs to hear the voice of God through Gods people, he is out of fellowship with the Lord and cannot hear his voice. di

Do not confront this man in any way, shape or form. Your daughter should not be working there, so this is how it should be handled. You and your husband should go in there to let him know what day is the last day of your daughter working there (Yes, be sure your daughter understands and is at least aware that you're doing this for her good as well). If he asks why this is happening, tell him that you're concerned about the environment that she's working in. Make clear that you know that you cannot always keep your daughter from those things that are a bad influence, but as Christians your responsibility is to intervene whenever and whereever you can. If he still doesn't understand (or claims to "not" understand), ask him to go and talk with your pastor about this, as you cannot go into it at this time (I'm assuming you have discussed this with your pastor by now). What you have done is placed the ball back into his court, and it is up to him to either recognize that you're not stupid, or that he is playing a very dangerous game. If your daughter knows about this, it's only a matter of time before others figure it out. The book of James makes it clear that when a brother sins, we're to go to him in love and let him know, but in cases like this, where the married couple are friends and your daughter works with him, you must approach this prayerfully. Your strength right now has to be in the Pastor's wisdom, understanding if this man isn't even acknowledging the Pastor's word, you have no other choice but to pray for him from a distance. Either way, the Pastor needs to know so he can decide if,when and how to tell your friend. Johanna