Double edged sword

First let me say. I am in therapy for this, I just thought i would discuss it here. I am sure I am not the only one who feels like this. And maybe by writing about it, someone else doesnt have to feel alone. I have used my weight as a barrier for most of my life from 18 yrs old on. It has been my pain and comfort. I was raped at 18, gained 90 pounds in 7 months. Two years later lost all my weight, and date raped. Gained my weight back. It seems like everytime I loose weight something bad happens to me. Thus, i kept my weight on for what i thought was protection. Hey never been attacked fat. Well, Now that the weight is coming off, well, I am scared. I know a lot of you are saying she is insane. But feelings are feelings. No one got to be this weight just because they "like food" No one i really think intends to become MO. I was just hoping that someone out there might be able to tell me their story about facing their demons. Thanks Gina

DEAREST GINA, I HAVE FACED MY DEMONS, I JUST HAVEN'T CONQUERED THEM YET. I JUST REPLIED TO A POST FROM A LOVELY WOMAN AND THE SUBJECT OF MY MOTHER'S DEATH CAME UP. I WAS 14 WHEN SHE DIED, THE OLDEST OF 4 KIDS. MY FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC AND DOVE INTO HIS BOTTLE FOR COMFORT. I DOVE INTO THE REFRIDGERATOR. I USED FOOD FOR MANY REASONS. MY FAMILY USED FOOD FOR CELEBRATIONS, FOR NURTURING, FOR REWARDS, AND FOR PLEASURE. MY MOST VIVID MEMORIES IN CHILDHOOD REVOLVE AROUND FOOD. I REMEMBER MY MOTHER PRAISING ME FOR "CLEANING MY PLATE", OR WHEN I ATE AN UNUSUAL FOOD THAT MY SIBLINGS WOULDN'T TOUCH, I WOULD BASQUE IN THE PRAISE. I COULD REMEMBER THE CHRISTMAS I GOT MY "EASY BAKE OVEN". I WOULD FEED MY BROTHERS AND SISTER, AND THEY WOULD JUST LOVE IT.(HOW COULD YOU NOT LOVE PIZZA COOKED ON A LIGHT BULB!) WHEN MY MOTHER DIED, MY FATHER MANAGED TO GET ME A HOME TUTOR SO I COULD STAY HOME FROM SCHOOL AND HELP TAKE CARE OF THE FAMILY. FOOD AND COOKING WERE MY LIFE. MY LOVE OF FOOD AND COOKING IS PURELY A MEANS OF GETTING THE LOVE AND ATTENTION I DIDN'T GET WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. MY FATHERS ALCOHOLISM MADE HIM EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE TO US. HE WAS TOO INVOLVED WITH HIS OWN PAIN TO CONCERN HIMSELF WITH OURS. TO THIS DAY, I FIND I GET GREAT SATISFACTION FROM THE PRAISE OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR MY COOKING ABILITIES. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO SEPARATE THE NEED FOR LOVE, WITH THE NEED FOR FOOD. AND LET ME MENTION ONE OTHER IMPORTANT FACTOR IN MY IRRATIONAL OBSESSION WITH FOOD. THREE MONTHS AFTER MY MOTHER DIED, MY FATHER STARTED DATING AGAIN, HE LEFT ALL FOUR OF US ALONE TO FEND FOR OURSELVES FOR ALMOST A YEAR. HE LIVED WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND AND HER 2 SONS, WHILE HIS 4 YOUNG CHILDREN (14, 12, 10, AND 4 YEARS OLD) HAD BARELY ANY FOOD AT ALL,(OUR FRIENDS WOULD BRING US FOOD, WHICH WAS EXTREMELY EMBARASSING), OR MY SISTER AND I WOULD GO TO THE LOCAL SUPERMARKET AND STEAL SOME.(SURVIVAL) THAT DEPRIVATION OF FOOD, TO ME, WAS LIKE MY FATHER TELLING ME HE DID'T LOVE ME. IT CARVED A DEEP SCAR IN MY HEART. ESPECIALLY SINCE I HAVE CHILDREN OF MY OWN, AND COULDN'T IMAGINE EVER DOING THAT TO MY PRECIOUS BABIES. I KNOW WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN STORIES, AND I'M SORRY TO HAVE TAKEN UP SO MUCH SPACE. BUT, EVEN THOUGH OUR STORIES ARE DIFFERENT, WE ALL SUFFER THE SAME PAIN. I'M STILL PRE-OP, AND I KNOW THIS SURGERY IS A *TOOL*, JUST AS DIET, EXCERCISE, SUPPORT GROUPS THE AVAILABILITY OF MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS AND PRAYER. I BELIEVE THAT THE FIRST STEP TO HEALING IS ADMITTING THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM. AND, OH BOY, IS THERE A PROBLEM! BUT, IT'S VERY DIFFERENT THIS TIME. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, BUT, I FEEL SERENE........AT PEACE WITH THE PATH I'M ON. I BELIEVE GOD LED ME TO THIS PLACE. I HAVE FAITH EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. I HOPE YOU FIND PEACE. YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS. LOVE AND BEST WISHES TO YOU, CARMELLA

DEAR GINA, I FORGOT TO ADD THAT I WAS ALSO IN THERAPY AND I'M ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS.(THANK GOD) FUNNY, I JUST GOT BACK FROM MY PSYCH EVALUATION,SO THANK YOU FOR PRIMING ME FOR THE VISIT, IT WENT WELL, WE HAD ALOT OF LAUGHS.(?) AND THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY. YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS AS WELL. BEST WISHES, CARMELLA

Gina, I do not think any one thinks your in-sane. It's great that your able to come and post your fears. That's why were all here. To lift one another up and to try and be a comfort to one another. Right after having my surgery, I felt so vulnerble. I remember feeling "What did I do to myself". The first night home I had a panic attack. I'm not sure if it was because of all the drugs or what but that feeling was very scary. Having that layer of fat, really did make me feel protected. One good thing that came out of it was it made me turn more to my Jesus. This is a journey and many feelings will come. Especially now that you will not have food to drown those feelings. Cling to your Lord more then ever and he will see you through. Thank you for sharing. I believe your honesty will help us to all become more honest with our feelings. Blessings Geri

Gina, I want to thank you for posting this. My therapist has been trying to get me to see that I was using my weight as a barrier and I just wasn't buying it. Now I realize how right she is. My story is similiar. As a child I was molested by my mothers boyfriends, I gained weight. Then I lost what everyone called my babyfat, and was raped at age 15. I gained weight again, in my mid-twenties I lost weight, and my (now ex) husband began acting violently towards me, and ended up raping me repeatedly before I could get away from him. Then years later, I was happily married again and had finally found out that I had metabolic syndrome and started drug therapy, and lost weight. Then a few months later BLAMMO, my husband left me for some wh*re he met on the internet. I tried to commit suicide, and was rescued. Then I was in a very bad car accident, and lost a lot of weight. My life had changed, and I moved to Florida. A few months after I got here, I was almost date raped, I got away from him. But sure enough I steadily started gaining weight. I have this fear that when I get to goal weight, something "horrible" is going to happen to me. I have anxiety attacks thinking about what it might be. I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my soulmate, John. (my husband) Because I finally feel like I made a good decision, I'm waiting for the punchline. I HATE feeling like this. My therapist is trying to help me get ready to cope with the world without my shield of fat. I'm so glad I set up a weekly appointment with her way before surgery was scheduled. Heres to wishing us all happiness, and most of all peace. Michele