OT need encouragement

. I'm in the middle of jumping through hoops trying to get a lap band, but that is not my biggest proplem. I have shared this problem with my pastor and some of my church family, they are my best friends. But somehow I have felt little relief. My mother died Sept. 24, 2003. She was not a christian. We were very close, buddies. But somehow she disregarded anything I said about Jesus, probably because she practically worshipped my Dad and he was heavily into the whole evolution-humanist thing. Dad is now in an assisted living home. My brothers took him there just a few weeks ago, he has Alzheimer's. I saw him for the first time since he moved in there and he is soo very sad. Alzheimer's has changed him into someone else. He still has his long ago memories but no short term memory. At this point he still remembers family and friends. He cries all the time for my mother and when we go see him he cries because he wants to go home with us. He used to be a very ornery man. When I was young we did not get along at all because he got downright violent at times, always angry always acting out from his anger. He was not physically violent to my mom at all, and there was never any sexual abuse. Somehow since I've grown and mellowed with age, I don't have all the rage I once felt for him and now I just feel so sorry for him. Between the knowledge that neither of them ever accepted Christ and my Dad's miserable existance now and the way I profoundly miss my Mom I have become so depressed that I'm just not me anymore. My house, once always perfectly clean at all times is now a big mess that I feel too tired to cope with. My husband, who was once a pastor but who is now a truck driver only gets to come home for 2 or 3 days every few weeks, the last time he was out for 4 weeks. He knows I'm still grieving my mother but I don't want to fill the short time we have together full of grief and despair. I haven't been to church in 2 or 3 months because I am so disillusioned with God. He did't kill my mother, but He didn't stop it either. My Dad is not a christian but does he deserve what's been handed to him?, especially since he doesn't understand what we say about God anymore. How do I live with the knowledge that both of my beloved parents will spend eternity in hell ? The one-year anniversary of my Mom's death is approaching and I don't know how I'm gonna cope with that. I know most of you will say go back to God, back to church. But I'm telling you the depression is so great I try to sleep as much as I can because it doesn't hurt if I'm asleep. I'm unable to forgive God which scares me, because I'm scared of God too. My mother's mom, my grandmother, lived till she was 90, my Mom was snatched away from me when she was only 78. I feel she and I got cheated out of 10 or 12 years. She was my best friend. I am NOT suicidal so don't worry about that, but I do wish God would just put an end to my suffering one way or another. He said He would not allow anything to happen to me that I could not handle, is God a liar? Because I can't handle this. I now regret the fact that my husband and I chose not to have children. I will never again have that special Mother-Daughter bond. Please pray for me. Sue

DEAREST SUE, I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. MY MOTHER DIED WHEN I WAS 14 YEARS OLD. I AM THE OLDEST OF 4 CHILDREN. MY MOTHER WAS A VERY DEVOUT CATHOLIC. MY FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. I WATCHED MY FATHER DROWN HIS PAIN FOR ALMOST 20 YEARS BEFORE HE WENT INTO RECOVERY. HE ALSO *BLAMED GOD* FOR TAKING HIS DEAR WIFE FROM HIM. MY FATHER WAS RAISED AS A STRICT CATHOLIC, HE WAS ALSO AN ALTER BOY. I WENT TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL, WENT TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY, AND WAS TAUGHT THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. THE LORD IS INFINITE IN HIS LOVE AND WISDOM. GOD UNDERSTANDS OUR HUMANITY. HIS BELOVED SON, OUR SAVIOR, CAME TO EARTH AS ONE OF US. HE UNDERSTANDS OUR FRAILTIES,AND OUR WEAKNESSES. OUR LOVED ONES ARE NOT GONE. THEY HAVE MOVED ON. THROUGH THE SACRIFICE OF OUR LORD, WE HAVE BEEN SAVED. YOUR BELOVED PARENTS WILL NOT SPEND ETERNITY IN HELL. IN GOD'S HOUSE, THERE ARE MANY ROOMS. YOUR PARENTS ARE CHILDREN OF GOD, WHETHER THEY UNDERSTOOD THAT IN LIFE OR NOT. GOD'S LOVE IS PERFECT! HE IS OUR FATHER. HE LOVES US, UNCONDITIONALLY. GOD IS PATIENT, HE WAITS FOR US. HE WILL BE WAITING WITH OPEN ARMS FOR YOU. LET GO AND LET GOD! HAVE FAITH! MY FATHER HAS BEEN SOBER FOR 17 YEARS. HE HAS STOPPED BLAMING GOD FOR HIS LOSS, AND REALIZES THAT MY MOTHER HAS BEEN WITH HIM ALL ALONG. WE ARE ALL ONE IN THE BODY OF CHRIST. GRIEVE AS LONG AS YOU NEED TO. MY MOTHER PASSED 32 YEARS AGO. THE PAIN TOOK YEARS TO SUBSIDE. BUT, NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T TALK TO HER. I FEEL HER PRESENCE IN MY HEART ALWAYS. WE WERE PROMISED ETERNAL *LIFE*. REJOICE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WE WILL SEE OUR LOVED ONES AGAIN. AND KNOW THAT THE LORD IS WITH YOU NOW, IN YOUR TIME OF NEED. YOU ARE ANGRY BECAUSE YOU MISS YOUR MOM. WHEN YOUR PAIN SUBSIDES, SO WILL YOUR ANGER AND DISILLUSIONMENT. I WILL PRAY THAT THIS PASSES QUICKLY FOR YOU. GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU. LOVE, CARMELLA

Sue Im still praying for you. Hang in there. Have you heard of the book by James Dobson called "When God does not make sense". When I was going through a painful time a few years back this book helped me tremendously. Nothing probaly does not make sense to you now but one day you will be able to wake up and have a smile on your face. My prayer is that that time will come soon. Blessings Geri

I bought that book right after my mom died, but it was too soon for me, I was still in such shock I was just reading words and could not really pay attention. If you would ask me what I read I could not tell you. Maybe now it would sink in. Thanks, Sue

Lord Guide Me Help me, Lord, that I should know The way you would have me to go. Lead me on life's stormy sea Through all the trials that be. Give me strength that I may not fail When I am weak and my ship has no sail. Guide me through the stormy blast. Give me courage while life shall last. Lord, my life belongs to thee. Give me faith to stand for thee. Lead me when trails are rough and steep And through waters that are turbid and deep. Lord, always stay near my side When trouble comes be thou my guide. Lord, I know your ways are true In things you speak and deeds you do. Keep me, Lord, while life does last. Let my feet not stray from your path. Give me a light to lead me home That in this world of darkness I may cease to roam. Thank you, Lord, for the guidance given And the narrow road that leads to Heaven. ~ author unknown ~