Struggling

I am clinging to the Lord with all I have got tonight.  My depression has worsened in the past few weeks, and in therapy I was able to finally identify and verbalize some traumas and losses that occurred in Octobers throughout my life.  In addition, I have eaten just about enough candy and cookies to sicken a child multiple times, let alone an RNY patient.  

Then, last night, I had an e-mail exchange with my AA sponsor, which got ugly, and she dropped me and told me she did not want to receive further e-mails from me.  To be honest, I would love for someone to read the exchange and give me honest feedback on my behavior in it, because I keep examining what I said.

My abandonment feelings are through the roof.  I have lost my appetite for food, praise God, and had to force down some scallops and potato tonight.  I have had self-destructive urges, as well as the strong desire to die.  I have no intentions of acting on any of these feelings, just hate feeling this low. 

I have letters from my bankruptcy lawyer that are unopened because I am terrified to read them.

I just wanted to put a cry for prayer out there.
Trish

Hi, Trish.
I'm so sorry that things are so rough for you right now. Please know that I am praying for you and sending a big (((hug))) your way. While I cannot empathize with all of what you're going through, I do know how difficult it is to face trauma from one's past...what had been buried for many, many years.
What I came to realize is that, despite how inadequate I felt at the time, the Lord obviously knew that it was time for me to remember, to face, to verbalize, to deal with, to work through, and then put away, healed, those memories. How very strange to remember and feel like something horrible had just happened, yet knowing that it had happened 30 years ago. Very strange. It takes time and assistance, but with your willingness to face it all, and with the help of your therapist and most definitely the Lord, you will get through this.
Of course, the enemy will try (and it sounds like he already has tried) to pounce upon this opportunity, to drag you down. You must fight him, knowing that you are already more than a conqueror.
I would encourage you to live in the Psalms for the time being. Every spare moment you have, read through a Psalm. Read it outloud when you can, to yourself when you have to. David went through fear, depression, sin, murder, and more. You will find a kindred spirit in his words, and you will see how he was honest with God and then allowed God to heal the broken places.
I have no doubt that you will do the same. Remember, He is as close as the mention of His Name.
(((Prayers))),
Mary

Awww sweetie I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time!! I wish I wasn't a whole country away from you. This is when you need to just imagine curling up in Our Father's lap and tell Him everything about how you feel. Hang on tight, this may be one of the biggest learning periods in your life so far. It's rough when we need to go thru the valleys to get to the mountainside but we all have to do it. Remember you are a wonderful and valuable person and have lots of people that love and care about you, most of all your Heavenly father, He is standing right beside you all the time so just reach out for Him. Please stay in touch and feel free to PM me anytime. Know I pray for you each and everyday during my prayer time and may God bless you most abundantly! Hugs !!!!

Trish I do not think I could add to much to what is already been said. I can tell you this, that Jesus holds you in the palm of His hand and is covering you right now. Seek Him through all of this and you will get through it. I am so praying for you and know that God will bring you through this and it will bring you closer to Him for it. My heart goes out to you right now and know that we are all on our knees for you. We love you like Jesus loves you and we may not always have the right words to say, but Jesus does and we speak for Him to you.

In Christ
Karyn