Sorry I have been AWOL
Hi Everybody,
I must confess that I have been AWOL because of my disobedience to the Lord in a terrible alcoholic relapse. I am a stubborn, willful child who still throws temper tantrums at the age of 51.
I have been in AA for 19 years, and have learned long ago that I MUST attend regular meetings if I am to stay sober and not drink. I also have learned, the hard way, that I must take my psychiatric medications as they are prescribed, or I relapse. Well, two weeks ago, I got very upset in therapy, and went home angry and rebellious. I had not been to an AA meeting in weeks. I threw a royal temper tantrum and got drunk several times that weekend. I stopped drinking for a few days, went to a meeting and even went to my group therapy session at a rehab I have been going to for a few months. Well, I only lasted a few days, because I got drunk for about ten days in a row. While drunk, I wrote some nasty letters to my therapist and really lashed out.
I have been struggling with this relapse for exactly one year. I had been able to not drink for over six years prior to last December. At one point I went for over 8 years without a drink. I realized this week that I had lost my motivation to stay sober. Obeying God was not cutting it for me as a motivator. I am a stubborn, willful child, and I rebel at the drop of a hat.
Praise God, yesterday, in my therapy session, God gave me the motivation I had seven years ago, when I gave up the drinking after my husband left me. You see, when I was married, I had an episode that put me in a psychiatric unit of a hospital. I was cutting and threatening to kill myself. Well, my therapist reminded me yesterday that if I kept drinking, I would deteriorate and end up back in a hospital. He is a wise man. He had me read all of the letters I sent him during my drinking episode. I saw for myself just how out of control I was, and how I had managed to undo years of hard work in a matter of days.
On the way home, I cried because I felt so much guilt, shame and remorse for having relapsed as I had. I was able to get to an AA meeting last night, and met a lovely woman who gave me her number. I am praying that I might get the courage to ask her to be my sponsor. I did call her today and got to know her a little, and to get some encouragement to keep going to meetings.
Sorry this is so long. I just had to share why it appeared I had dropped off the face of the earth for a while.
I would appreciate your prayers for me on an ongoing basis, if you should think of it. I have learned from experience that I must daily ask God to give me the willingness to stay sober and the willingness to attend my AA meetings, because I get blindsided very easily by the lies of the enemy. No matter how much I relapse, I still fall for the lies that I do not need to attend meetings, or work my program, or pray to stay sober. Then, BAM, I fall hook, line and sinker and get a bottle and get drunk in the blink of an eye.
Thanks,
Trish
I must confess that I have been AWOL because of my disobedience to the Lord in a terrible alcoholic relapse. I am a stubborn, willful child who still throws temper tantrums at the age of 51.
I have been in AA for 19 years, and have learned long ago that I MUST attend regular meetings if I am to stay sober and not drink. I also have learned, the hard way, that I must take my psychiatric medications as they are prescribed, or I relapse. Well, two weeks ago, I got very upset in therapy, and went home angry and rebellious. I had not been to an AA meeting in weeks. I threw a royal temper tantrum and got drunk several times that weekend. I stopped drinking for a few days, went to a meeting and even went to my group therapy session at a rehab I have been going to for a few months. Well, I only lasted a few days, because I got drunk for about ten days in a row. While drunk, I wrote some nasty letters to my therapist and really lashed out.
I have been struggling with this relapse for exactly one year. I had been able to not drink for over six years prior to last December. At one point I went for over 8 years without a drink. I realized this week that I had lost my motivation to stay sober. Obeying God was not cutting it for me as a motivator. I am a stubborn, willful child, and I rebel at the drop of a hat.
Praise God, yesterday, in my therapy session, God gave me the motivation I had seven years ago, when I gave up the drinking after my husband left me. You see, when I was married, I had an episode that put me in a psychiatric unit of a hospital. I was cutting and threatening to kill myself. Well, my therapist reminded me yesterday that if I kept drinking, I would deteriorate and end up back in a hospital. He is a wise man. He had me read all of the letters I sent him during my drinking episode. I saw for myself just how out of control I was, and how I had managed to undo years of hard work in a matter of days.
On the way home, I cried because I felt so much guilt, shame and remorse for having relapsed as I had. I was able to get to an AA meeting last night, and met a lovely woman who gave me her number. I am praying that I might get the courage to ask her to be my sponsor. I did call her today and got to know her a little, and to get some encouragement to keep going to meetings.
Sorry this is so long. I just had to share why it appeared I had dropped off the face of the earth for a while.
I would appreciate your prayers for me on an ongoing basis, if you should think of it. I have learned from experience that I must daily ask God to give me the willingness to stay sober and the willingness to attend my AA meetings, because I get blindsided very easily by the lies of the enemy. No matter how much I relapse, I still fall for the lies that I do not need to attend meetings, or work my program, or pray to stay sober. Then, BAM, I fall hook, line and sinker and get a bottle and get drunk in the blink of an eye.
Thanks,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
That satan is a sneaky liar isn't he? He makes it sound so reasonable and right to rebel! I'm so glad tho that you are getting back on track. It's not how many times we fall but how many times we get back up! I thought maybe that's why you had dissapppeared and one reason I PMd you, just wanted to see if you were OK. I'm so glad you feel safe enough here to share with us and I know we'll all be praying diligently for you. In fact you are a permanent one on my prayer list because I know that no matter how good we think we're doing it's so easy to slip or rebel. I know from experience that when I've been in pain I used alcohol to relieve it. While I don't think I was drinking to the extent that it caused problems I just realized one day that I shouldn't be using alcohol as pain medication. Plus with all the meds I'm on and one is a blood thinner, alcohol is a no-no! When you are in pain tho you'll do whatever it takes to make it stop., be it physical, mental or emotional. Just like today I realized I was comfort eating for the last few weeks and of course gaining weight! My doc said I could up my pain meds and have hardly eaten anything today because I'm not in pain! Why can't they understand what chronic pain is like? Any way of course I'll keep praying for strength for you and that you'll get that sponsor, I'm sure that will be helpful for you. Hang in there and remember one day at a time and no temper tantrums! Always feel free to PM me if you're having a hard day, I always have time for a friend!! God bless.
Thank you so much for understanding and not condemning me. When I first entered recovery, there was not so much understanding among my Christian friends, or the Church in general. During the past 19 years, a lot has been published for Christians concerning alcohol and drug addiction recovery, including devotional Bibles that show the basis for the 12 Steps of AA in scripture. I gave my copy to my son when he was in rehab for heroin addiction in 2003. Oddly enough, I am concerned about his mental health and recovery now because I see warning signs that existed when he was in trouble back then.
Anywho, God has taught me that I am no different from any other sinner, because Satan is a liar and can delude any of us into self-destructive sin, no matter what form that sin takes.
Right now, I am torn inside because I need to get to a meeting. I have not been to church in weeks due to my rebellion. And, my house is a mess because I trashed it pretty bad during my relapse. Not sure which to do first, or what I can afford to not do without jeaopardizing my recovery.
I just know today, I do not want to drink. I want to obey the Lord in this matter.
You are right though, I felt no physical pain when I was drinking. God was good though, because the day after my last drink, I had a terrible hangover, my first in six months. It was a fresh reminder of how low I had sunk.
I appreciate that I can be honest on this forum. I am not proud of my rebellion, just thrilled that God is gracious and loving and forgiving.
Hugs,
Trish
Anywho, God has taught me that I am no different from any other sinner, because Satan is a liar and can delude any of us into self-destructive sin, no matter what form that sin takes.
Right now, I am torn inside because I need to get to a meeting. I have not been to church in weeks due to my rebellion. And, my house is a mess because I trashed it pretty bad during my relapse. Not sure which to do first, or what I can afford to not do without jeaopardizing my recovery.
I just know today, I do not want to drink. I want to obey the Lord in this matter.
You are right though, I felt no physical pain when I was drinking. God was good though, because the day after my last drink, I had a terrible hangover, my first in six months. It was a fresh reminder of how low I had sunk.
I appreciate that I can be honest on this forum. I am not proud of my rebellion, just thrilled that God is gracious and loving and forgiving.
Hugs,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
Dear Trish,
I applaud your courage, to post such an honest post. There is no judgment here, for all of us have dealt with some form of addiction. While I cannot say "I know what it's like" to drink or get drunk, I sure know what it's like to be rebellious! It's a miserable existence. I'm so glad that you're on your way up!
I'm praying that you will be led to the right sponsor and soon. I would think that daily accountability and knowing you have someone who is available day or night would be very comforting.
I love that "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I love when Jesus said to the woman who had almost been stoned to death for being caught in adultery, "Neither do I condemn you." Of course, He did go on to say, "Go and sin no more," but He also "understands that we are dust" and "was in all points tempted as we are." He gets it! All of it! And He is ever ready to help, when we cry out to Him.
I, like our other dear sister friend, would be honored if you would PM me anytime you need to "talk." You are, and will stay, in my prayers. Please don't stay away, as we want to help hold you up whenever you're feeling down.
Blessings,
Mary
P.S. As far as which to do first, AA, church, or clean house, I'd opt for an AA meeting, then go home, put on some great worship music, and have church while you're cleaning! Praise and Pledge--works for me, everytime! :) Remember, you don't have to clean everything at once, unless you want to. It will still be there tomorrow. ;)
I applaud your courage, to post such an honest post. There is no judgment here, for all of us have dealt with some form of addiction. While I cannot say "I know what it's like" to drink or get drunk, I sure know what it's like to be rebellious! It's a miserable existence. I'm so glad that you're on your way up!
I'm praying that you will be led to the right sponsor and soon. I would think that daily accountability and knowing you have someone who is available day or night would be very comforting.
I love that "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I love when Jesus said to the woman who had almost been stoned to death for being caught in adultery, "Neither do I condemn you." Of course, He did go on to say, "Go and sin no more," but He also "understands that we are dust" and "was in all points tempted as we are." He gets it! All of it! And He is ever ready to help, when we cry out to Him.
I, like our other dear sister friend, would be honored if you would PM me anytime you need to "talk." You are, and will stay, in my prayers. Please don't stay away, as we want to help hold you up whenever you're feeling down.
Blessings,
Mary
P.S. As far as which to do first, AA, church, or clean house, I'd opt for an AA meeting, then go home, put on some great worship music, and have church while you're cleaning! Praise and Pledge--works for me, everytime! :) Remember, you don't have to clean everything at once, unless you want to. It will still be there tomorrow. ;)
"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how BIG your God is!"
ObesityHelp Support Group Leader and Support Group Coach
ObesityHelp Support Group Leader and Support Group Coach
Thanks so much, Mary, for your love and kindness. I appreciate your acceptance of where I am at.
It turns out, I went to church, and was so blessed by the sermon. It was on Mark, where Jesus asks, "Who do people say I am?" I was so struck by the passage where he says if anyone would follow me, he must die to self, and take up his cross and follow me. I knew I was meant to hear that. I also had opportunity to speak to my pastor, who knows my situation. He reminded me that I am no different from anyone else there.
Thanks again.
Hugs,
Trish
It turns out, I went to church, and was so blessed by the sermon. It was on Mark, where Jesus asks, "Who do people say I am?" I was so struck by the passage where he says if anyone would follow me, he must die to self, and take up his cross and follow me. I knew I was meant to hear that. I also had opportunity to speak to my pastor, who knows my situation. He reminded me that I am no different from anyone else there.
Thanks again.
Hugs,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
So glad you decided to go to church! I was gonna cast my vote for church also, the house will be there any time. Tho if you are like me when my house is out of order and chaotic my life usually is too. At least it feels that way to me, just get it back in order one day at a time just like your recovery. Hopefully that will keep you busy so there isn't a relapse. You've had an awfully stressfull last few years, as have I and believe me some days I barely hang on by a thread, but God always has ahold on that thread! Just stay busy with your church and recovery and let the Lord help with the rest. I think staying on your meds is a top priority because it sounds like when you get off of them that's when you have the worst time. If you had cancer or were diabetic you would never think about going off your meds, so just look at them that way. And like Mary said we are here anytime you need us!! Love ya.
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