Devotion #48
Hi, Everyone.
Today’s topic is forgiveness. I believe that unforgiveness is the root of many of our problems, whether emotional, physical, psychological, or spiritual. When I reread today’s devotion, from my personal journal dated May 26, 2007, I wept anew. That day changed my life dramatically. I know it’s long, but it’s still a fairly quick read, because it tells a story, my story. As a writer, I balk at the many paragraphs beginning with "I," but at the time, I just wanted to write it down so that I wouldn't forget any of it. May it speak to you today, especially if you are holding unforgiveness in your heart.
When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought of was a quote I heard yesterday, that “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and wishing someone else would die.” I knew that the Lord had decided it was time for me to deal with forgiving Michael, my first husband.
Hadn’t I already forgiven Michael? When he passed away a few years ago, I wasn’t happy about it. Didn’t that mean I’d forgiven him? Even as I said those things to God, I knew in my heart that I had never really forgiven Michael, because in order to do that, I would have to relive those months.
I balked, I ranted. “Lord, don’t you KNOW what Michael put me through on a daily basis for six months or more!” Even as I said that, I realized how ridiculous it sounded. Of course He knew!
I know that forgiveness is for the victim, not the perpetrator. I know that forgiving doesn’t mean that what happened was okay. I know all of that, and yet I did not want to take Michael down off that hook. I felt angry that God was even trying to get me to forgive Michael.
I ignored that still, small voice as best I could. I had a session with Dean, my counselor, and we talked about it. He reminded me of things I already knew about forgiveness, then suggested that I use faith imagination, in an attitude of prayer, and visualize a scene with Michael, Jesus, and me. I told him I’d think about doing that.
When I tried to go to sleep tonight, I could not get settled. I knew that I was in for a sleepless night, unless I allowed the Lord to help me forgive Michael. I decided to try the faith imagination exercise.
I prayed first and asked the Lord to help me visualize Him, Michael, and myself and then to help me take care of this for good. It took some time of getting quiet and shutting out the night noises, but, finally, there we three were.
Jesus was sitting on His throne, and Michael was standing to His left. Michael’s hands were bound with what looked like a leather cord, woven around his hands in a figure eight pattern, side to side.
I did not want to look at Michael, so I kept my eyes on Jesus. He bid me come, and I knelt before Him. Jesus told me that I had a very important decision to make, but that it was okay to make it, it was time, and He reassured me that I was safe, that He would be with me every step of the way.
I began to cry, and I said, “Lord, I cannot. Please don’t ask me to forgive Michael.” The Lord motioned for me to come closer, and He scooped me up onto His lap. I put my head on His shoulder and wept, as He stroked my hair. I could hear soft groans coming from Him, and I knew He was interceding for me.
I don’t know how long I cried. It seemed forever, but, finally, the sobs lessened. I looked up into the eyes of Jesus, and He reached over and touched my face. When He did that, instantly the tears dried.
I climbed down from Jesus’ lap, and He stood up. He was so tall, so BIG and so strong! I knew I was safe with Him. He took my hand, and we walked the few feet to where Michael was standing, his head bowed, bound hands in front of him.
I began to shake, as scenes from the past flashed before my eyes, but Jesus encouraged me with, “Forgetting those things which are behind, my daughter.” The images disappeared, and I stood tall and confident.
When I looked at the cord which bound Michael’s hands, I noticed that there were words etched into the cord. I read as many as I could see, “intimidation, control, loathing, fear, rage, abuse.” Not just words to me.
“My daughter,” Jesus said. I looked at Him, and He held a pearl-handled dagger in His right hand. He offered it to me, and I asked, “What is that for?”
“Take it. It’s yours. You can do with it whatever you will, my daughter.” With trembling hand, I took the dagger. I clutched it tightly, my hand shaking, not from fear but from anger…anger that I have never allowed myself to feel.
Jesus had just told me that I could do anything I wanted to do with the dagger…anything. I kept reading the words on the cord, the anger building and building, my heart beating fast.
I lifted the dagger, but at that moment, I looked into Michael’s eyes, because I wanted to see a look of fear in HIS eyes for a change! What was there, in his eyes, stopped me short. There was no fear there, but there was sorrow and shame.
Michael said the words I’d wanted to hear him say for so long, words I thought I’d never hear, “I’m so sorry, for all the times I hurt you, for all the ways I hurt you. You did nothing to deserve any of it. I was a tortured man, and even though I have received forgiveness from God, I cannot forgive myself. That is why my hands are bound. God didn’t bind my hands; I willed it so.”
The words of Isaiah 58:6 floated through my head, “Is not this the fast that I have chosen, to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free and break every yoke?”
With the dagger in my hand, I cut the cord that held Michael bound. As the pieces of cord began to fall, every letter of every word written on the cord became a rose petal. The scent of roses filled the air, and the petals, so many petals, floated down, around our feet, until there was a carpet of red rose petals.
Looking over to Jesus, He gave me such a wonderful look of compassion, love, and approval. And then He said wonderful words of life, “My daughter, now YOU are free.”
Today’s topic is forgiveness. I believe that unforgiveness is the root of many of our problems, whether emotional, physical, psychological, or spiritual. When I reread today’s devotion, from my personal journal dated May 26, 2007, I wept anew. That day changed my life dramatically. I know it’s long, but it’s still a fairly quick read, because it tells a story, my story. As a writer, I balk at the many paragraphs beginning with "I," but at the time, I just wanted to write it down so that I wouldn't forget any of it. May it speak to you today, especially if you are holding unforgiveness in your heart.
When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought of was a quote I heard yesterday, that “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and wishing someone else would die.” I knew that the Lord had decided it was time for me to deal with forgiving Michael, my first husband.
Hadn’t I already forgiven Michael? When he passed away a few years ago, I wasn’t happy about it. Didn’t that mean I’d forgiven him? Even as I said those things to God, I knew in my heart that I had never really forgiven Michael, because in order to do that, I would have to relive those months.
I balked, I ranted. “Lord, don’t you KNOW what Michael put me through on a daily basis for six months or more!” Even as I said that, I realized how ridiculous it sounded. Of course He knew!
I know that forgiveness is for the victim, not the perpetrator. I know that forgiving doesn’t mean that what happened was okay. I know all of that, and yet I did not want to take Michael down off that hook. I felt angry that God was even trying to get me to forgive Michael.
I ignored that still, small voice as best I could. I had a session with Dean, my counselor, and we talked about it. He reminded me of things I already knew about forgiveness, then suggested that I use faith imagination, in an attitude of prayer, and visualize a scene with Michael, Jesus, and me. I told him I’d think about doing that.
When I tried to go to sleep tonight, I could not get settled. I knew that I was in for a sleepless night, unless I allowed the Lord to help me forgive Michael. I decided to try the faith imagination exercise.
I prayed first and asked the Lord to help me visualize Him, Michael, and myself and then to help me take care of this for good. It took some time of getting quiet and shutting out the night noises, but, finally, there we three were.
Jesus was sitting on His throne, and Michael was standing to His left. Michael’s hands were bound with what looked like a leather cord, woven around his hands in a figure eight pattern, side to side.
I did not want to look at Michael, so I kept my eyes on Jesus. He bid me come, and I knelt before Him. Jesus told me that I had a very important decision to make, but that it was okay to make it, it was time, and He reassured me that I was safe, that He would be with me every step of the way.
I began to cry, and I said, “Lord, I cannot. Please don’t ask me to forgive Michael.” The Lord motioned for me to come closer, and He scooped me up onto His lap. I put my head on His shoulder and wept, as He stroked my hair. I could hear soft groans coming from Him, and I knew He was interceding for me.
I don’t know how long I cried. It seemed forever, but, finally, the sobs lessened. I looked up into the eyes of Jesus, and He reached over and touched my face. When He did that, instantly the tears dried.
I climbed down from Jesus’ lap, and He stood up. He was so tall, so BIG and so strong! I knew I was safe with Him. He took my hand, and we walked the few feet to where Michael was standing, his head bowed, bound hands in front of him.
I began to shake, as scenes from the past flashed before my eyes, but Jesus encouraged me with, “Forgetting those things which are behind, my daughter.” The images disappeared, and I stood tall and confident.
When I looked at the cord which bound Michael’s hands, I noticed that there were words etched into the cord. I read as many as I could see, “intimidation, control, loathing, fear, rage, abuse.” Not just words to me.
“My daughter,” Jesus said. I looked at Him, and He held a pearl-handled dagger in His right hand. He offered it to me, and I asked, “What is that for?”
“Take it. It’s yours. You can do with it whatever you will, my daughter.” With trembling hand, I took the dagger. I clutched it tightly, my hand shaking, not from fear but from anger…anger that I have never allowed myself to feel.
Jesus had just told me that I could do anything I wanted to do with the dagger…anything. I kept reading the words on the cord, the anger building and building, my heart beating fast.
I lifted the dagger, but at that moment, I looked into Michael’s eyes, because I wanted to see a look of fear in HIS eyes for a change! What was there, in his eyes, stopped me short. There was no fear there, but there was sorrow and shame.
Michael said the words I’d wanted to hear him say for so long, words I thought I’d never hear, “I’m so sorry, for all the times I hurt you, for all the ways I hurt you. You did nothing to deserve any of it. I was a tortured man, and even though I have received forgiveness from God, I cannot forgive myself. That is why my hands are bound. God didn’t bind my hands; I willed it so.”
The words of Isaiah 58:6 floated through my head, “Is not this the fast that I have chosen, to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free and break every yoke?”
With the dagger in my hand, I cut the cord that held Michael bound. As the pieces of cord began to fall, every letter of every word written on the cord became a rose petal. The scent of roses filled the air, and the petals, so many petals, floated down, around our feet, until there was a carpet of red rose petals.
Looking over to Jesus, He gave me such a wonderful look of compassion, love, and approval. And then He said wonderful words of life, “My daughter, now YOU are free.”
Mark 11:25 “Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings.”
Ephesians 4:32 “Become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.”
Colossians 3:13 “Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive]."
Today, if you are holding unforgiveness in your heart, allow the Lord to help you to forgive. Unforgiveness is a sin and hurts Him, and it will be a roadblock to you, even in the area of weight loss. Listen to "Feel the Nails."
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=9eda9e25bbe539 acf175
Blessings,
Mary
"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how BIG your God is!"
ObesityHelp Support Group Leader and Support Group Coach
ObesityHelp Support Group Leader and Support Group Coach
Oh Mary, what an amazing story.
I am so thankful, for you, that the cords have been broken. Now you are free of the shakles that unforgiveness created in your life. Your imagery paints such a dramatic picture of how the Lord has freed you from the pain you should never have had. He gave you the choice of what to do with the dagger. You freely chose to forgive a man who, by human standards, did not deserve forgiveness. Now you are truly free of the control he had on your heart. This is another one of those "encumberances" you spoke of yesterday - and you have shed it forever.
Would you mind if I share this devotional with a dear friend of mine? I am a professional counseling intern and she is a graduate student at Liberty University. One of her interests is forgiveness therapy. Your story is a powerful testimony to the emotional healing that takes place when we forgive. Please do not hesitate to say no if you are uncomfortable with it. I will not send it to her unless I am certain that you are okay with it.
In Christ's Precious Love,
Donna
I am so thankful, for you, that the cords have been broken. Now you are free of the shakles that unforgiveness created in your life. Your imagery paints such a dramatic picture of how the Lord has freed you from the pain you should never have had. He gave you the choice of what to do with the dagger. You freely chose to forgive a man who, by human standards, did not deserve forgiveness. Now you are truly free of the control he had on your heart. This is another one of those "encumberances" you spoke of yesterday - and you have shed it forever.
Would you mind if I share this devotional with a dear friend of mine? I am a professional counseling intern and she is a graduate student at Liberty University. One of her interests is forgiveness therapy. Your story is a powerful testimony to the emotional healing that takes place when we forgive. Please do not hesitate to say no if you are uncomfortable with it. I will not send it to her unless I am certain that you are okay with it.
In Christ's Precious Love,
Donna
If you have Faith nothing shall be impossible for you.
Matthew 17:20
Hi, Donna.
Thank you for your kind words. The year since the Lord allowed me to use faith imagination and finally lay down that hurtful part of my life has been amazing. I had dealt with forgiving the two young black men who chloroformed and raped me when I was 15. In many respects, forgiving Michael was much harder. He confessed to being a Christian, and, when we married, he made a vow to love me. Praise God, though, that grace and true love won in the end. I could never have done this, on my own.
I would be blessed to have you forward the devotion to your friend. My daughter, Leah, just finished up grad. school at Liberty University, via on-line. It was a wonderful experience for her, expensive also, but when we received her diploma, it was just so well-done, with an amazing verse that was perfect for teachers, her field.
Please let your friend know that I am available for any questions she may have. I am willing to share my story about forgiving my rapists. That experience left me with what I call holy amnesia, that lasted over 3 decades. The mind is an amazing thing, and when something happens that you just can't deal with, it says, "Okay, we'll just put that away, for now." It's a long story. Anyway, if she'd like my personal phone number or email address, just let me know via PM, and I'll give it to you.
I wondered if I was sharing too much, with today's devotion, but I've heard from quite a few hurting, precious women, so God is using it to help others face this issue with courage.
Blessings,
Mary
Thank you for your kind words. The year since the Lord allowed me to use faith imagination and finally lay down that hurtful part of my life has been amazing. I had dealt with forgiving the two young black men who chloroformed and raped me when I was 15. In many respects, forgiving Michael was much harder. He confessed to being a Christian, and, when we married, he made a vow to love me. Praise God, though, that grace and true love won in the end. I could never have done this, on my own.
I would be blessed to have you forward the devotion to your friend. My daughter, Leah, just finished up grad. school at Liberty University, via on-line. It was a wonderful experience for her, expensive also, but when we received her diploma, it was just so well-done, with an amazing verse that was perfect for teachers, her field.
Please let your friend know that I am available for any questions she may have. I am willing to share my story about forgiving my rapists. That experience left me with what I call holy amnesia, that lasted over 3 decades. The mind is an amazing thing, and when something happens that you just can't deal with, it says, "Okay, we'll just put that away, for now." It's a long story. Anyway, if she'd like my personal phone number or email address, just let me know via PM, and I'll give it to you.
I wondered if I was sharing too much, with today's devotion, but I've heard from quite a few hurting, precious women, so God is using it to help others face this issue with courage.
Blessings,
Mary
"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how BIG your God is!"
ObesityHelp Support Group Leader and Support Group Coach
ObesityHelp Support Group Leader and Support Group Coach
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