Failing and honesty

I am four weeks from my 2 year follow-up appointment with Dr. Marymor, and I am feeling like such a freaking failure lately. First, I was not able to stay with the 5 day pouch test for more than half a day yesterday, so I gave up on that for now. Let me back track a bit here. I was doing fantastically with my recovery/weight loss until December. Right before my hernia surgery, I had a relapse with my alcoholism, and I also started eating sugar, in spite of the dumping syndrome. I put on 20 of the pounds that I had lost, and have held onto those 20 ever since. The drinking was sporadic, but I finally stopped it and am now back to my AA meetings with regularity. The sugar is now my nemesis. I no longer eat the quantity that will make me dump, but I still nibble at it, like a junkie needing a fix. Since my surgery in December, I have experienced some really tough life traumas. My brother died suddenly in February. This is the second sudden death of a brother since my surgery two years ago. Then, a month after that, I wrecked my car coming home from Michigan. A month later, I was brought up on disciplinary action at work. So, the sugar fixes have been stress-eating situations. I am in therapy, and there I am learning relaxation techniques to help me through those life situations that suck. I just hate that I am where I am right now, because I have my 2 year appointment at the end of August, and I am far from goal weight given my behavior of the last 7 months. So, part of me is tempted to reschedule it for later, so I can play catch up with the scale. Part of me is tempted to just cancel it and not go at all. I am really embarassed and ashamed right now. I have trouble getting to the weeknight support group meetings at Barix because I hold two jobs, and have a lot of obligations during the week after work. I read about all the successes, and rarely see gut level honesty about failure on the forums. So, I thought I would put myself out there for some butt-kicking and let you know where I am at. Hugs, Trish

Trish, I would never do any butt-kicking. You have had a lot going on in your life. I can understand that. I will be honest here and tell you I have put back on 30 pounds. I know I need to do something about it, but just cannot motivate myself to do it. I would try the 5 day pouch test but I hate protein drinks. We are just going through so much right now I just do not want to think about that. We just need to take this one day at a time and start over again. You know, protein first, veggies, drink our water, don't drink with meals, etc. I know it is hard when you have so much stress in your life already. I will be praying for you. I can do okay one day and then blow it the next. We have found some land in MS we like and found a mobile home we life. It is a Sunshine home and built to the specs we like. But, the payments will still be really high (for us anyway). I try not to worry but cannot help myself. Anyway, I would appreciate your prayers for us and I will keep you in mine. Love, Shel

Please go ahead and go see your doctor. You are not the only person in the world that this has ever happened to. Keep in mind the successes you have had and the weight that you HAVE lost. This is not over. I think most of us lose focus from time to time. I am not one who believes in messing with the 5 Day Pouch Test. I don't know if you hang much on the Grad board, but if you do, you may have seen the posts by James H. He has developed a plan called the Wagon Plan. I encourage you to give it a try. I started trying last Thursday and have lost 4 pounds. You still eat food, frequently, and you do not feel hungry. Also helps get rid of the carb cravings. If you haven't seen his posts, I will find the link for the info and send it to you. I don't reply much here but I do read and I know you are a woman of amazing faith. Please don't give up.

Oh Trish sweetie, don't let Satan use these situations to beat you up. I'm a bandster and I haven't lost what I hoped to either but unless we are dead we still can have hope. You have gone thru an extremely difficult year! I truely believe Satan uses our smaller shortcomings to hound us when we have survived thru the serious situations. In otherwords he uses the one little thing that is left to beat us up. Please go ahead and face your doc, isn't that what they teach in not only AA but the Bible? Face your issuies head on and trust God to guide you thru the maze, and He surely will! Who knows he may even have some suggestions to help you get back on track, surely he has other patients that haven't met their goals either! Don't let Satan make you feel shame for being normal. As far as getting back on track just take one thing a week to try to change, it takes 21 days to change a habit and a bad habit needs to be replaced with a good one. So don't try to change everything all at once, too overwhelming, just change one thing at a time, one day at a time. Treat YOURSELF like you would your best friend, you wouldn't slam them if they messed up, so be as nice to yourself! And when Satan starts casting doubt you just stop for a second and mentally shout " Satan get thee behind me! I am a child of the most high God and you have no power over me! I demand you leave me alone!"It may sound strange but I swear it works. Now get out there and kick somebody elses butt! And come back here where we love you and we'll set you straight! (((((HUGS)))))

Hi Trish, I have just found this Christian Message Board. First, let me remind you that God's Word says, "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." God has forgiven us, but often we beat ourselves up. It sounds as though you have been working on many areas of your life. The fact that you have learned to look at yourself honestly and know the places that need work is a really good thing. Sometimes, I can fool myself for a long long time before I reach that point. I am sorry that you have lost 2 brothers and in such a short time space. That is major. I am an emotional eater too. My mother has alzheimer's and lives with my husband and me. I have gained 25 lbs in the past 2 years trying to deal with things in my old comfortable way of eating sugar. I had my surgery 9 years ago this week. I began today trying to get this in check. I lost all my weight in 1 year and am off all my meds. My life has been so much better in many many ways since I was released from my prison of obesity. I do not like how I feel or look with this extra weight on. I would like to lose 20 lbs and with God and the encouragement of other's "we" will lose it. I was a SG leader for 7 years and virtually everyone I have met has had failure at times. Failure is just an opportunity for growth. We learn from falling. Some skin their knee a little and some have to break a limb before they learn not to go down that rocky path. PLEASE, go see Dr. Marymor!!!!! He is on YOUR side. Let him know what you have emotionally been living with and how you are working to get yourself back on track. I worked with him at the Michigan Barix Clinic in Ypsilanti. I worked as a Patient Counselor there for a year while he was there back in 2000-2001. He does not think he is "God" like many Drs. are prone to think. The fact that you are a hard worker, holding down 2 jobs, attend AA meetings-working on your abstinence, and healing emotionally from your dear brother's untimely deaths says a lot about you. If you cannot get to a SG meeting, use this message board to connect with others. I am going to be doing that for sure. You have already been learning coping skills that you have been using in other areas of your life. Ask God to help you use them in this area too. Don't forget that God is even more concerned about you than you are about yourself. He is our very source of strength, peace, and comfort. Sometimes, I choose to try and depend on myself instead of on Him. THAT is something I am trying to be more aware of. Everything in my life is better and easier when I have that priority straight. I hope I have been a little encouragement to you. I will be waiting to hear lots of good things on these boards from you. Blessings!

Thanks for your encouragement. I do plan to keep my appointment with Dr. Marymor. I also believe everything you said from scripture, and needed to be reminded of those things. I plan to get to Michigan this weekend. My daughter lives in Perry, outside of Lansing, so I drive up Route 23 from Toledo to whatever the road is to Lansing and go through the Ypsilanti area. I think it is terrific that you worked with Dr. Marymor way back when. He is a terrific doc, and I find him very personable, not at all arrogant. He also repaired an incisional hernia back in December. Terrific doc, and I love Barix in Langhorne. Thanks again. Hugs, Trish