Telling people

Well, this has been some roller coaster journey. Now that I've decided to move forward with WLS, I have been prayerfully preparing myself for telling people. There are a few that I am very concerned will not be supportive and be very negative and hurtful. I'm waiting until I feel the Lord leads me to approach the subject with others. I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually preparing myself for the worst, while Praying for the best. I'm nervous, I won't lie. But I know the Lord will let me know when the time is right and that he will give me the Strength to endure their opinions. Unfortunately, it's in-laws and we need their help with the children when I have to be out of town for those few weeks. They can be such kind, helpful, generous people when others are in need - as long as they feel the need is justified. I'm expecting them to feel this need isn't justified - "work harder, exercise more, make your mind up to do it, we all have to struggle with it" etc. etc. etc. They're not really people to argue with, it just makes it worse when you contradict them and it will take longer for them to get over it. My plan of attack is to let it out, put on a hard shell, and let them have their say - then hopefully move on. I'm still praying that I am wrong altogether and that they will be unconditionally supportive! All things are possible with God!! Sorry to ramble. It's just something that's been on my mind. Thanks for listening. Carla

Carla, I am just a year past my surgery and it was by far the best thing I ever did for myself. Like you I did not want to tell my in-laws because I did not feel they would be supportive. What I was looking for was really approval. I eventually did tell them and it hurt them that I put it off for so long before telling them, but that is another story. What I really want to say is that often we confuss the word "supportive" with the word "approval". You need to decide right now if you are looking for approval or support. Support is when they help you with the kids because you ask for help. If they can't help you with the kids, you need to make other arrangements. What I think you are looking for is approval. Approval makes us feel better about our decisions and therefore more confident. My suggestion is that both you and your husband sit his parents down and have a conversation about what you are going to be doing and what you need from them as far as taking the kids, etc. Do not ask for them to "approve" you. They probably won't be able to do that before surgery, however I believe you will get that "approval" about 6 months after the surgery when your energy level is higher, you can actually take that walk with the kids, run across the lawn and play soccer with them, eat a more healthy diet and generally change your life. Tell them with love that you understand that they do not approve of this surgery, however you and your husband have come to the decision together and need their "support" with the kids for the first few weeks. You are also asking for their prayers. End the discussion with prayer and thanksgiving for this life altering 2nd chance that God is giving you. End with a big AMEN. Remember - people can only "argue" with you if you chose to participate. Have a back-up plan for child care in case they are not supportive of helping with the kids, that way you do not get all emotional if they decline you. Also - please remember that if they decline it is probably not out of spite, but rather a real belief that you are doing something wrong. They are entitled to their opinion (wrong as it might be) just as you are entitled to yours. If they decline simply say thank you and tell them that Plan B is now in effect and smile. Best wishes for you surgery. Oh and one final thought - you might want to prepare a package of material on WLS along with websites and helpful information to educate them on the surgery itself. So many people think Carnie Wilson on the cover of People magazine and think they "know" about the surgery. If you demonstrate a knowledge beyond "I want to have surgery because I don't want to be fat anymore" you stand a better chance of turning your in-laws into your corner. Sally

You're right, I do WANT their approval, but I NEED their support. I will manage one way or the other, but it would be smoother on everyone involved, especially the boys and my husband if they can put their opinions to the side and help with them. Thanks for you reply and words of advice. I have WLS folder started and I will add your post to it so I can refer back to it before we approach them. Carla

Hi, I know lots of people are troubled with this situation. I have been totally open about my surgery with everyone, from family to strangers I've encountered. I've not had one negative comment, only interest and support. Some are more supportive than others but all have shown an interest. I've never felt ashamed or negative about my surgery, it's not something I feel like I should have to justify to anyone else. I made my informed decision and am making steady progress and that's all that matters to me. What someone else says or thinks is irrelevant, that's their problem or issue not mine. I think we all tend to underestimate how much others care about us and will support us. I truely feel it will help not just me but them to grow by sharing. These are just my personal opinions and I know there are also many who never tell of their surgery and that's OK too. You just have to follow what you believe in. God bless on your decision.

I had no problem telling people I was having the surgery. I knew I would get negative vibes from certain people, so I told them up front that I did not want to hear their negativity, and they were respectful of my request. There were only two people out of my whole group of friends and family who had the negatives, and they kept quiet about their opinions. Be confident and set boundaries about the negative remarks. The Lord will provide you with the help you need when you need it, if your in-laws are not there for you. Hugs, Trish

Carla, I just told people when I decided-Everyone I knew, and I still do when they ask me how I lost the weight. The reactions were varied but I just explained my reasons up front and let them think what they want. I think you have the right idea. My only suggestion is to not let them "have their say" at all if it gets abusive. We are called to love, but we are are not called to be mistreated-even by our in-laws or parents. I pray that they are supportive and loving, but if they aren't-just quietly walk away and let them judge themselves. I know that is easier said than done, but it's not healthy for you to hear a bunch of negative stuff. Just keep your confessions positive and remember that we live to please God not man. Believe me I have been having this problem with another issue so I am talking to myself as much as you. God Bless-Amy

Thanks Amy. I'll try. I'm going to wait until I have a surgery date, which I'll probably get to schedule around mid March - shooting for a late April date. I do know now is not a good time to tell them - just found out yesterday that mother-in-law has a lump on her breast. We'll know more after it's biopsied. I may not even get to schedule a surgery, depending on how things go with her. I think my surgery would be one too many crisiis at a time for my DH to handle. God will let me know. P.S. There are some that I will have to tell pre-op. As for everyone else, I think I'll feel differently about telling others. Not much they can say once it's already happened!