I am really sick in the head

I am pre-surgery. I don't even have insurance approval yet. I sincerely want this surgery in order to be healthy and to serve the Lord more fully with the gifts He has given me. But... I find myself fantasizing about every man I know. This is bizarre. I've been married for 20 years. My husband and I do NOT have a good marriage -- never have. He was a drug addict for most of it, although he's been clean (I believe) for 2 years now. I've thought about divorce, threatened divorce, drew up the paperwork for divorce, and backed out of divorce. We live together only on the weekends right now. But I am committed to my marriage because of my faith and my children. My boss is in his office talking on the phone about maybe getting a divorce. And my mind goes: "Maybe he'll get a divorce, and I'll get my surgery, and we'll end up together." I'm not even attracted to him! And I find myself thinking that way about other men in the office, single or recently divorced. I even think it about men I see on the train! Mind you, one of the reasons I believe I allowed myself to become obese was to protect myself from men after surviving sexual abuse in my young adult years. Am I subconsciously trying to subvert my decision to have the surgery? Has anyone ever experienced this kind of thing. Is it time to call my psychologist for more regular visits?

Jill, sweetie, you need to call someone right away! Is your psychologist a Christian? You need Christian counsel! Please call your church. My husband and I went through many hard years with his drinking. He's been sober for about 15 months now. I stayed with him only because I had made a vow to the Lord that I would be with him till death parted us. Because I stayed, the Lord blessed me abundantly. I stayed with him, loving him and loving the Lord. I could only love my husband if I prayed for the Lord to help me love him. The Lord answered and honored my prayer! I never once thought about other men and how green the grass might be. I focused solely on the Lord and His will. Divorcing this man is NOT what the Lord wants. He hates divorce. You need to take that idea off the table. The enemy is making your mind his playground. It's not easy. I know. Please get some help. I read these verses almost every day for years: 1 Peter 2:18 - 3:6 Servants, be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh. For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: " Who committed no sin, Nor was deceit found in His mouth"; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness--by whose stripes you were healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward--arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel-- rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. My husband and I have a life beyond our wildest dreams today. He is a man who seeks the Lord and I weep often at what the Lord has done for us. Please - it's easy to want to give up on the man, but don't give up on the LORD!!! Take care! ~Carolyn

You are not sick. I just got home from my therapist and we were discussing my how my sexual abuse has impacted me. After my abuse as a teenager, I acted out with guys all the time. After I met the Lord, I got pregnant and married the boy. We were married for 25 years, and it was a terrible marriage because of my personality disorder, caused by my traumatic childhood, alcoholism, eating disoders, depression, and other things. During my marriage, I gained the weight for a lot of reasons, but one of them was my fear of acting out sexually with men, and cheating on my husband. Since my divorce, I have struggled with sexual purity. If you have a good relationship with your psychologist, keep working on this. Be honest and open and work on this. I also would encourage you to get into an accountability relationship with an older Christian woman at your church. Doing that transformed my life with the Lord. I have been good friends with a dear woman I met at Calvary Baptist in Bristol, PA. When she moved to Florida many years ago, I cried, but kept in touch by e-mail and phone. She has been guiding me in the Word, and in my walk with the Lord. She knows everything there is to know about me, and has loved me when I didn't love myself. If you would like to e-mai privately, you have my e-mail address. Hugs, Trish

Honey, you are not sick in the head...just want to make that clear right now. You have gotten some really good advice...and I hope that you follow up on getting some Christian counseling. I just wanted you to know...that you are not alone...and yet another Christian sister...was sexually abused as a child by a parent...and physically/mentally abused as an adult...and God never left me...and saw me through it all. There is a reason you are going through this. It is really easy when we feel alone/neglected/unloved to think "what if?" and get distracted. Satan is at work! Please remember you are never alone. God is with you...and you don't need a man to validate you. Period. Focus on God...and if he chooses to place someone in your life after you get through this...awesome! Either way...you are NEVER alone! Please get some help. We will be here for you when you need us! Love, Stephanie

One more thing I need to add...do what you can to save your marriage. PRAY for your husband. Ask him to go with you to talk to someone about your problems. Work it out if you can. If you are a Christian, that is what you are supposed to do...no matter how hard it is. Ultimately...it is his choice whether to stay or leave...but you know what you are supposed to do as a Christian...and in other posts I read before mine have reminded you I believe...but what I meant by my last post...was IF your husband chooses to leave at some point...and God places someone in your life...that is a good thing. I wanted to make that clear. I will share with you...that I had that happen to me...and am now remarried to the coolest Christian man ever...because I stopped focusing on being alone...and focused on God...and when I was not even looking...God placed this man in my life! God will work it out for you....just trust. Stephanie

I cannot add another thing to what these blessed ladies have shared except that God isbigger than any sin done to us or any temptation that faces us....read 1 Corinthians 10:13....I memorized that as a new believer over 20 years ago and it has never failed to help me..... Love in Christ, Joan M

This is such a powerful Truth. God is bigger!! What awesome words. Hugs, Trish

Stephanie, This is excellent advice. Toward the end of my marriage, I fought for my marriage and prayed hard for my husband and me to be whole and it was for naught. But, God has been so good since my divorce. He is my husband and has been with me in everything. Hugs, Trish

You are not trying to subvert your surgery, you are crying in the dark. Open the Light of the World and allow him to heal you. Thank the Lord that you are willing to submit to his will and not yours. God will see you through this time, as he has seen you through all others. The advise on this board has been so spot on. I have to say that I am so proud of all you and pray a blessing on you all. So many other boards would have simply said "you go girl" and urged her to divorse. I am praying for all of you to have strong and wonderful marriages. Shoot - I am praying for myself as well. Love in Jesus is the Best Love of All! Sally

I don't know what to say that has not already been said. One reason I got fat in the first place was that I was sexually abused by my step-father for 12 years. I told my mom w I was 14 and she watched him beat me for telling. I thougt if I were fat he would leave me alone. It didnt work. Then I acted out with guys. My mind was the hardest thing to get back from the abuse. My step-father said things and made sure *****graphy was part of my life by leaving it for me. I had terrible times getting the stuff out of my mind-without God it would have been impossible. I still have times that I have to repent and get my mind back onto the right path by doing what 2 Corinthians 10:5 says: "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ" This verse is so much easier to quote than to do, but God doesnt give us any instruction we cannot follow. As far as you wanting to find someone who cares for you-that is normal. You say that you are committed to your marriage which is good. God can restore your marriage and make it better than it has ever been. You can overcome this!! Don't give up your surgery though. Satan knows that you will be even more powerful w you have the weight off and are able to fight him even harder. He's not going to let you do it without a spiritual battle. Don't take his junk because the only place he belongs in your life is under your feet. praying for you and pulling for you. Hugs-Amy