Trying to find my way out of this hole

Trying to find my way back... Original Post by Loraine May at 12:48 AM EST on 07/06/2006 Byesville, OH - RNY (05/06/2005) - Dean J. Mikami, M.D. I miss each and everyone of you and still read every day.. But I seem to have lost my way in a severe depression. I am still losing, still working out and still living right. But I cannot find my way out of this constant state of anxiety ( panic attacks) and depression. I knew full well that having the surgery would never take away all of my problems and make life perfect. But I have so many blessings in my life with wonderful friends and family who love and care for me. But I am feeling like such a failure in so many areas of my life. I am working 3 jobs and still cant meet the bills that keep piling up higher and higher. The more you try and help yourself the more assistance you lose. I lost my medical card for my family and I this month since I make Soooo much money at Walmart. I cant afford to buy my meds or the scripts my children are on. I get so frustrated that my ex seems to have all the money he needs to have his perfect little life. All I want is for some comfort zone of knowing that I can provide the basic necessities of life for my kids and I and be able to pay my bills. I live very simply and do the best with what we have, but I have so much anziety over the bills that I lay awake most of the night worrying about what tomorrow will bring. I know in my heart that the worrying and fretting wont help anything, but it has become a continuous nightly problem for me. I finally get to sleep a little after 4:00 am and then back up at 6:30 to start babysitting for my grandson. As soon as he leaves at 4:00 pm I pack up and head to Walmart until Midnight. Several days a week I clean and do laundry for my friend Patty and take care of a lady with Alzheimers. I think part of the depression comes from never having a second just for me. And Dating.. HUH.... I havent had one offer since losing all this weight. I miss male companionship and I am not talking about sex. I am talking about just having a wonderful male friend to go to a movie or dinner with. Nothing serious. Just a good male friend to spend time with would be wonderful; I am sorry to be going on and on. But I did want to pop in and let you know I am still alive. But struglling every minute of the day to keep smiling and keep going. What other choice do we have. We have to keep going.!!! I am so happy and feel so blessed that I was able to have this miraculous surgery and be down in the 140's. I couldnt of imagined that a year ago. I hope God doesnt think I am ungreatful for what I do have in my life... I have so many loving friends and a full life, but I feel like I have lost who I am and so depressed all I want to do is hide in my house and avoid life when I dont have to be somewhere else. I want to get back into fishing, hiking and painting. All the things I once loved to do but now have no time, money or gasoline to do any of these things. I Thank God for all my blessings. My Children, My beautiful mother, My family, My OH Family.. My much improved health, my weight loss .. I thank God for my grandson Christian who is hearing impaired and a special needs child. I thank God every day that he gives me the renewed energy to be there for him.. I am amazed I can do it on just a couple hours a day. I hope I didnt depress anyone. I just wanted to let you know I havent dropped off the face of the earth. If anyone wants to see some updated skinier pics of me send me an e mail and I will send them to you Keep my family and me in your prayers. Much Love to all of you. Laura

Hi Laura! I have to tell you...reading your post brings back so many memories for me. If you only knew how well I can relate to the things you are going through! I also have an ex...who left us when my baby was 14 months old...three weeks before Christmas...to move in with his new girlfriend he had been cheating on me with. They married...and I have had to watch while it seemed they had everything... Now...they have split up...yet another home broken...and they are finding out material things are not everything. And my ex is working several jobs to maintain a so called lifestyle for him...and her...even though they are apart. He hardly ever sees our kids...and is in bad health. I know how overwhelming everything is for you right now. I remember crying so much...I was in the middle of nursing school when he left me. He had my car repo'd since it was in his name...and did all kinds of things to make it difficult for me to finish. I finished anyway. My brother helped me get a little piece of junk car so I could finish school. I held that car in gear an hour each way to school...but I finished! When God is in something...you can move mountains. I graduated with honors and got my RN...then immediately went back to school and got my BSN...again with honors. All the while being a single parent...having to live off student loans which I will be paying for a long time. I tell you these things to encourage you...and let you know you are not alone. God allows us to go through things so we can comfort one another. What I have told you...is only the tip of the iceburg. Though the things we go through are so painful...there is purpose in them...even when we can't see it. Here are a couple of passages that have helped me endure... James 1:2-6 2 My brothers and sisters, F2 whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; 4 and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing. 5 If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. 6 But ask in faith, never doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind Remember that Satan stirs up anxiety and depression. It is not of God. Pr 12:25 Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad. Luke 12:22-32 22 He said to his disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25 And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? 26 If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you--you of little faith! 29 And do not keep striving for what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not keep worrying. 30 For it is the nations of the world that strive after all these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, strive for his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. 32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. I know this is hard...and at times seems impossible...but remember God is bigger than any problem we could ever have. Have you tried any of the prescription assistance programs? Let me know. There are several out there that may help...and I may be able to help you get the information. Don't be afraid to ask people for help. If it were not for my church...I would have never made it through my ordeal. The students at my school (juniors class...I was senior class president) provided Thanksgiving dinner for us at one point. We had to use the food bank also...in addition to food that the students donated to us. I had a job in the OR working one day a week...and when they found out what was going on...they collected hundreds of dollars from doctors and nurses and assistants and surprised me so that my kids would have Christmas. I almost fell out. And...I am now remarried...to the most awesome, God fearing man...only problem is that he is serving our country on the other side of the world right now. But...he loves me...and my kids as his own. God is so good. If you need to talk...just click on the email button and there I am! Don't give up...that is what Satan wants. This situation will be used to GLORIFY GOD!!!! Of that...I am certain. Love in Christ, Stephanie

Laura - it's a triumph that you posted this! I will be praying for you. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised! So shall I be saved from my enemies! Hold onto the Lord for He cares. ~Carolyn

Laura, Stephanie wrote about all I wanted to shae but my dear sister please do not fear....for the Word says, We have not received a spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind! 2 Tim 1:7 So fear isn't from the Lord...He promises He will never or leave or forsake us...He hasn't left you....The best way to overcome the lies of the enemy is to read God's Word. I always journal when I read God's Word. I usually write praise and prayer requests and then read and the Lord always speaks to me through His word exactly what I need. Our family will be praying for you Laura.... In Christ's love and grace, Joan