30 pounds from surgery and my husband cheats and wants a divorce
No expertise here other than knowing that God watches over all of us and he DOES care what is happening in our lives. Your pain is deep and your fear, no doubt, palpable. You are human. Sit down with someone you trust (parent, pastor, priest, friend) and draw up a battle plan, one where you discuss and plan about all the critical aspects and issues you are going to be facing. Finances, place to live (if that's an issue), help with housework, schooling, childcare, etc. Don't overlook or be shy about asking for help from friends and family. We often are too embarrassed, shy, or overwrought to turn to those around us who can and are willing to help. I'll be praying for you and your kiddos. Best wishes to you ....
on 9/9/15 8:52 am
I feel heartbroken over the pain you are going through. It's such an ugly feeling! If he (and she) is(are) stable mentally and financially, he must take the children and the dog and you focus on caring for your health and well being. The answers will come to you while you let him go, embrace the hurt but don't let it overtake you. Don't do any stupid divorce party or post anything publicly, do not shame him (or her) and be the best person you are. Take a menial job for now if you have to and be brave!
I often wonder what would happen if people did not try to be mean during their unbearable hurt, try not to go after the the other women, and try not to be ugly to the offending spouse. Even though he does deserve everything ugly to happen to him!
Tracey :)on 9/9/15 9:46 am
Hello there Jadeyesmiling, I don't think you are being mean at all, in fact you are quite the brave lady! You are wonderfully amazing! Since he is not mentally stable keep the children with you and protect and focus on your and their well being.
My dad divorced my Mom and she never made any negative remarks about him as we grew up, oh but we found out his ugliness as we got older and he suffered for it. He also left us his insurance money that PIG! My Mom also reported the other woman to the school board for having an affair with a married man (that woman was a teacher). I would have never done that but remain quite not retaliating publicly, keeping my dignity intact. I'm not an attorney but would ensure the children are cared for financially and educationally and leave him alone though it will be hard.
Thank you for all the kind words. :)
The hardest part of course is that while he lives here he will be taking weekend trips to see her and I just have to shut off the emotions and deal so that I can get the surgery and get through the divorce smoothly. Otherwise its like all hell will break loose and it will be insane trying to get on my feet. As it is I almost feel this pressure like he walked out one day, walked back in and was like he wanted this quickie divorce.
So, trying to stay focused on nutrition. I am on a liquid diet which the NUT doesn't recommend but I cant hold food down. I had half a cracker today, shared it with the dog. It was the first thing I chewed since Sunday. I just feel like I got sucker punched and I am doing my best. I took my vitamins today, going to try to keep that up and today I finally managed more than one protein shake so hopefully that will help. :)
Seeing him walking around here and getting along is the hardest thing, its almost like everything is okay and then I will get a twinge and realize its only temporary, and not at all what it appears. His entire family and all his friends are devastated. I believe him to be undiagnosed bipolar as I have seen him cycle and he did this before and walked totally out of his life and started a new one. Its not normal.
The kids and my health are the priority. That and I need a damn good lawyer for free so I don't get screwed.
My parents divorced after 28 yrs, just one day he ran off with his friend since elementary school's wife. Over the years my sis and i thought about different friends they had and didn't hang out with any more and how usually that couple would be getting a divorce etc. But my mom, dad and stepmom all get along and have since a few years after the divorce and my mom getting over the hurt. We never heard my mom and dad argue ever and i think sometimes, was that good or bad? Never argue then suddenly one parent takes off ya know. But although in our early 20s it was easier for us to understand yet not if that makes any sense. Kids are the ones that sometimes get hurt the most, usually because the parents try and use them to 'get even' with each other or put them in the middle.
Hang in there and like others said, you come first and if he's so ready for a divorce then it's his place to file not make it look like you wanted it. Who knows, maybe he's just having a midlife crisis, as i don't think those, as some think, are age related. I had mine at 30 and there was no other man, i just had this thing about wanting my freedom for a while. Didn't even want a divorce actually but tensions built and then divorce and i sometimes have moments i wish i had done different but it is what it is.
Get through all this and look at it as a new beginning, clean slate or however you want to look at it on the up side of things. Hold the kids close and be strong. In my book you are already a very strong person!!
I am so sorry. While I wasn't going through WLS at the time, a similar situation happened to me.
Also, you qualify for disability independently of your husband's income. Disability by federal law is specific to *you,* and you should definitely get the ball rolling because you will get backpay after approval that dates to when you applied. I would file ASAP, and contact a disability lawyer. Disability lawyers only pay if you win your case, typically a portion of your backpay, and so they work very hard usually. :) You are ALWAYS eligible for disability payments even if you did not work - you can still get SSI. I was on SSI at my highest weight after my husband left (nearly 750) and then a few years later was able to go off it after I was well enough to go to school and get a job.
No matter what happens, good luck to you.
I follow a ketogenic diet post-op. I also have a diagnosis of binge eating disorder. Feel free to ask me about either!
It is not that we have so little time but that we lose so much...the life we receive is not short but we make it so; we are not ill provided but use what we have wastefully. -- Seneca, On the Shortness of Life
I don't know if I had applied for SSDI or what but they told me that I didn't qualify because my husband made too much $$ and the second reason was that I hadn't worked enough years which was crazy because of course I was an at home mom per my husbands request as the children were too much stress for him.
But I will look into it again, my doctor said she will fill out whatever it takes to help me, thankfully she is a wonderful, loving person and I have her support which is great at this time!!
Yes SSDI is if you have worked enough and the amount is determined by what you paid in. SSI is for disabled people whom had never worked. You may not currently be able to get it but once you are no longer with your husband you can go for it. Your kids depending on what diagnosis they have may also be eligible for it as well. You may want to look into what social services are available in your area that can help to keep you on your feet. He will also have to pay child support. I know how NY state works so I can't give specific advice as I don't even know what state you are in. Do you go to a therapist? Maybe they can refer you an agency that can help you navigate the system.
Just got off the phone with the law offices and they said that I will have to wait for the divorce to be final to file which is awful of course because I will be sitting here with NO money and NO way to pay any bills. I don't think I can call the electric company and say sorry I have no money im going through a divorce.
I just told my husband who swore I would be all set and of course he thought that would make it easier for him to just ride off into the sunset with the new person. Well, thank you...even if I get any money its only about $700 a month and that doesn't even cover the rent! :(
Thankfully I have a therapist and my appointment is tomorrow or I might be insane by then. And of course when I told him he didn't even bat an eye (well as much as I could hear across the phone) and that's just great. He is so totally checked out that he doesn't even care if I fall flat on my face while trying to provide for his three kids. He isn't stupid...child support?? Two of them will be 18 in July. He has this all figured out...just great.
