30 pounds from surgery and my husband cheats and wants a divorce

Blindsided.  So hurt.  I was in it for the long haul and this guy was going to be in my life forever. Almost 20 years! He disappeared five days ago, shut off his phone and reappeared today just about in time to go to work, nice.  We have three kids with issues, a dog with seizures and I get the mounting stress with a handicapped wife and all but geez, im at the threshold of us getting our lives back, being able to contribute more, enjoying life, doing this together...just heartbroken.

I wanted to do this for our lives together, the picture I had in my head of our big happy family going to amusement parks, on vacations, walking the boardwalk.  Like WHO does this?  Im so hurt and feel so alone, its been hard just to breathe. This was the first weekend he spent with her and already its his "future." I guess after all this time an old shoe doesn't mean much but the sucker punch was awful.  All weekend its as if I knew even though there was no reason for it, no huge fights, no signs really...

Im at a loss at what to do with my life.  Im almost 50, I don't qualify for disability because of his income, and because I don't have enough work hours in being a wife and mom all these years.  I have no way to support a household.  After one weekend he said he thinks I should file...wow.

I cant eat.  Im sick. Trying to get at least a protein shake or whatnot down and tons of water.  Occasional saltine for my upset stomach. Weight loss is great but I don't feel like a winner. He says he will support my surgery and be there but with another woman in the picture Im sure soon he will be jumping through her hoops and promises will quickly fade away.  I want to be safe and all set and on my way to surgery but it feels like every step towards independence is also another step for him out the door and im losing my mind, the love of my life and everything I hold dear.

I know this is all over the place but it all just happened today and I so want to do well and have surgery and Im just floored and feeling so alone.  Just thought maybe someone would know what to say, or has been through something similar? 

 

I really don't know what to say other than try to keep your chin up and don't let him control your progress. Maybe look into some public assistance places and see what they can do to help out if the separation goes through. There must be some help out there for people in your situation.

But i do have to ask, why is it you have to file? I have always heard it that the one that files is the one that has to pay for it, he's the one with the job, he's the one that wants out he thinks, correct? If anyone needs to file it should be him imo.

Thanks!! Not sure who pays but I will go through a probono lawyer and try to get all I need. 

I am worried about not having much help after surgery. 

Unless you end up with an open procedure-- I wouldn't be too concerned about not having help post surgery. Most important will be having someone to bring you to and from the hospital. How old are your kids? I thought I read they have special needs, so I'm not sure how much the can help-- but my kids are are tweens--and were enlisted to do what couldn't, carry laundry up/down steps, bring me drinks etc. If you can plan/prep freezer meals ahead of surgery maybe they can heat and eat. Just tossing ideas around...

What about family-- do you have any locally? 

My boys can help and when I say special needs one is like high functioning Autism or something that they cant nail down but with a lower IQ and they said he will need life time care but he does okay.  Just would be great on one of those shows where they hunt for their food, walk around barefoot and don't need social skills, lol. The others have learning disabilities ...a wide range and emotional disorders, so they can function its just on a short time span/fuse. 

But hopefully where I am losing now I can keep up with the weight loss and then lose a good amount when I first start so I wont need too much help.

And even if I DO file, Its coming out of his paycheck which is still direct deposited in a joint account.

Damn, I'm so so sorry. I've been where you are (kind of) and know that whirlwind of emotions/thought circling your mind. Its not easy and to couple that with this mind boggling process for approval for surgery... I get it.

Know you don't need to make any decisions today-- not one. Its probably better to avoid making any now anyway-- your not at you prime thinking-- too many emotions will cloud your judgement. Let him file if that's what he wants...you take all the time you need to respond to whatever action he takes. Work on YOU first. 

Your vision of life post surgery will just be altered-- I know its hard to imagine...just as hard it is to imagine being 100lbs lighter. But we know this-- its doable- and you WILL enjoy the life you build going forward. Its a new normal. 

And I'm sure its all to raw to think about... but I'm still with my hubby-- we weathered a storm. If you ever need to chat-- message me. 

Thank you so much!! It is a whirlwind. I appreciate your kind words of support.

First off - I am so very sorry.  There really are not enough of the right words to share with you now.  Please do remember to take good care of yourself throughout the process.  You've gotten some excellent advice above.  There are only two things I might add - remember it's OK to reach out for help from trusted friends, family, neighbors.  It's really hard to ask for help when you are feeling low but that's probably when you need to do so the most.  I remember just not wanting to see anyone when I was going through my divorce because I just didn't want to talk about it with one more person.  But I bet there are people out there in your life who would be willing to help in many ways who just need to be asked.  Hang on to your kids.  Every time you are feeling lost or miserable, just go hug one of them.  Doing that also helped me stay focused and grounded.  Wishing you the best.

Yeah I go through spurts of wanting to talk, and wanting to sleep for s year. Grateful for my kids who keep me grounded.