LACK of support and FREAKING out

Let me start out by saying I am on a good path at the moment!! I have been consistently losing PRE surgery and I am 33 pounds away.  Recently the doctor made the call that I had to lose a lot less than I thought so that put me at this current goal.  Here is the problem, I am handicapped and I am super stressed about my immediate support at home which obviously the doctors cant do anything about.

In the past two weeks most days I got one or two meals.  This of course is horrible for a number of reasons, 1.  it is slowing down my metabolism 2. I eat more at the meals I do get because I have been hungry for a long time 3. my choices aren't what they would be if I wasn't hungry.

Even with all of this I lost 6 pounds this month.

For those of you in this situation, that have or haven't had your surgery yet, what has helped the MOST to get your family members on board?? What have you done or said to make the see or realize the importance of regular meals, good mental health, less stress environment, healthy snack alternatives??  And my husband has been to the nutritionist with me, and all of the doctors appointments because I am in a wheelchair, so he hears what they say.  I am not sure why there isn't the follow through. 

Helpful tips without me being a total jerk to my family would be appreciated.  I am just so freaked that I will have surgery and FAIL because I don't have the support I need.  I so feel like this is my ONE chance to make a difference here, I don't want to mess it up, there are no do-overs, ya know?? 

Looking forward to your .02!

Thanks!

ps. just for reference the hubs is a great guy and works 60 hours at one job and 20 at another so he isn't a slouch.  But something has to be done about time management so I am a priority somewhere in there. 

Well first I want to say congratulations for losing so much weight on your own even with the lack of support from family. Does the family know what kind of support you need? Maybe they need an assigned task that fits in with their schedule so they can help you. Maybe they just don't know what direction to go to help you. Like maybe 1 person can bring you a meal from an assigned list on several days of the week. That way they know exactly what it is you need, & when you need it without giving them a lesson in nutrition.

Are your family members on board with your decision? It might be a kind of passive aggressive thing where 1 moment they agree with you, but then decide to do something else, in their mind they might think they're helping you by losing weight the "good ole fashioned way".

Do you qualify for any kind of assistance? Like a home health aide that can bring you your meals, or a meals on wheels type of thing?

Lastly you might not be able to depend on your family at all, at least not enough to get you what you need. You might have to order stuff online, or have the local delivery boy from the store deliver your food. I know the local Key Food by me delivers, maybe there are stores by you that does the same thing, probably for a fee, but you can call them up & find out. It sucks when you can't get around on your own to get what you need, but hang in there. Hopefully everything will turn out ok.

Thank you for replying and for the congrats on the weight loss. :) 

When I speak of my family I mean my three teen boys 17,17, and 14 and my husband.  Outside of that there is no support system other than long distance from friends that have had surgery. (But can in no way assist do to their location)

I am trying to make my needs known without being a burden on the family which is hard.  As a mom and the HUB of the family, even though I am immobile I still cook for the kids (electric frying pan/griddle) and take care of all of the other things that make a household run smoothly.  I think they are maybe spoiled and not willing to take on the added responsibility.

And often time the food is here, I just don't have any helping hands to help me cook which is even more frustrating.  And I can skip a meal here and there that isn't my problem.  I am just worried that they don't understand how important it is that I NOT do that after surgery.  I need to follow a very strict path and I need to keep the fire of my metabolism burning.

I'm not sure how to get the message through that this is a journey, may take some time but the rewards will be great as then I will be much more capable. 

Its hard as a mom to put everyone first, of course and feel guilty about needing so much help being handicapped but then almost not feeling valued enough to have someone else put your first.  I know they are all MEN and love being cared for but Im not sure how to make it about me health wise without feeling selfish, or coming off the wrong way and that is probably a big part of my problem as no one is a mind reader. 

I am curious how you are getting your food now.  I am pre-surgery but I see a lot of people's menu items don't look hard to make.  I use the protein shakes for 1-2 meals a day and either scramble a couple of eggs, or have 3-4 oz of protein.  So have whoever is making your food now, make it in batches for you.  This week I cooked a package of chicken breasts and added about 3 cartons of chicken stock.  I have the broth with about 2 oz of chicken for my night snack.  So, one meal lasts about a week.  I would think this involves less cooking than what is needed at your current weight. After surgery, from what I hear, you will be eating very little food.  Whether your handicap involves weight or not, it will be easier on you when you lose weight.

Thank you for your response.  I do like the idea of cooking in batches which I used to do.  We just came off of layoff which was difficult financially to shop as there are five of us and some are much more finicky than others.

I do some protein shakes which are pre mixed like atkins or premier or premium whatever that brand is...so with that the kids can just grab it from the fridge.  I do have a few other grab items like baby carrots, or cottage cheese but for bigger cooking I need someone to physically be here and have the time to sit and help, and then put things away.  My husband and one of my twins have always been the primary helpers but since about 7 months ago there was a shift as our son started residential schooling to start a trade. So he is home on weekends.  When he left I gained 30 pounds which showed I was not getting the right foods, I was again not leaving the home and my lifestyle totally changed.

I made a huge effort to turn things around and I have lost most of that weight that I put on.  I feel like I am communicating my needs but somehow they are not met on a consistent basis.  But I think I need to get back to having a cooking day and having others just "deal with it."

Its hard to be handicapped and feel like a burden and its probably why I don't PUSH enough for my needs being met as I already feel like I am bothering everyone.  But its causing me  extreme anxiety to the point that I haven't been sleeping because I am finally at the threshold of surgery and I want it to be successful in ALL ways.

I am working slowly on shrinking my stomach and portions, thankfully I don't ever eat until I am overfull which will be a great bonus after surgery as I wont have a tendency to stretch out what has been created. :) 

Thanks again!!  I will work on chatting with the family about meal choices and cooking ahead!! :)

Honey you're a mom & in no way a burden, so get that idea out your head. You might want to get some therapy to deal with the anxiety issues. You sound pretty motivated so I'm sure you'll succeed even if the rest of the family doesn't get it. I think kids that young fall into the young & dumb category. Whatever you tell them goes in 1 ear and right out the other. I don't have kids but it doesn't surprise me that at times they're in their own little world.

They're just gonna have to get on board or get lost in the dust. There's nothing wrong with looking out for you. Maybe cooking for the week ahead of time, & freezing the rest is what you'll have to do, or do a potluck or buffet style of meal. Maybe use disposable plates to avoid cleanup. They might get the hint that they're gonna have to step up their game. Besides the 17 year olds can feed themselves, they probably think they're grown anyway. I know I had those thoughts at their age. They might as well start learning how to cook for themselves. They're gonna have to do it anyway, or just eat a lot of takeout!

Just concentrate on you, hubby & the little one. The other kids might figure they have to help out if they wanna eat. LOL Good luck to you.

FYI try cross posting on the main boards, you might get more tips from other parents.

Thanks for the response, and therapy is great I have someone I have worked with for 4 years. :)  If this was my only challenge I am sure life would run smoothly but like all of us life is complex.  One of my sons is probably going to require lifetime care even though he is active and "looks normal" and no one would suspect his life skills are that of a 10 year old yet he is old enough to be making decisions on his own which might not be the best. And my "little one" is 5 10 and 200 pounds and we affectionately call him fluffy.  All the boys have learning disabilities and things they deal with but they are functional, just not the type of kids that will PAUSE and think anything through.  So there is a lot of rash decisions and chaos but of course being their mom I wouldn't trade them for anything!! :)

I was just saying that to say of course my "shrink" has a plateful!! :) And as you know all of us have reasons why we got this heavy in the first place.  Most of us aren't just lazy potato chip eating tv watchers with a desire to hit world records with our weight, right? My was packed on with 10 years of domestic violence. 

its hard to go from an independent person, and fight for that independence to have your body put your in a dependent space where your mind knows it doesn't fit.  I absolutely HATE asking anyone to do anything for me.  So when people huff and puff about helping me cook, or me interrupting them while they were in the midst of something that's when I feel like a burden.  But you did help me realize that kids are just being themselves and yes they are probably all quite self centered at this age and I shouldn't take it personally. :)

I am going to go out this week and get a nice batch of STERILITE containers and cook and freeze my favorite items!! :)  Thank you for your support!!  IT helps to have people willing to listen when you are stressed!!

I would sit down with the entire family and discuss the changes that are coming. Don't make it sound like a choice. "To save my life, there will be no more junk food...", etc. outline what help you need. Give the kids consequences for not following through. Finally, tell them that you are adopting aspects of the post-op diet so it's less of a shock after the procedure. I have done this because I really wanted to be positive that I could do it. Obviously I am not eating two tablespoon meals... But I'm eating more protein, less carbs, Jo added sugar, etc. 

hopefully this will spark some ideas. Good luck!

Great idea.  I was thinking of a family meeting but having them more on board with what Im eating will also make them a lot more co-operative when I am wanting to cook because they will benefit instead of all of them eating whatever they want..quick grab type foods and me eating healthy. 

I do high protein, no sugar, no processed foods, no soda (no diet soda) so my plan is on plan its just getting help so that I can continue but I think a meeting of the minds is a great idea. :)

I will definitely be working on what to say at that meeting!! :)

Good luck!