Jealousy and Sabatoge

So I have had issues with my mother ever since I was a pre teenager (I'm 28).  She's always been very selfish and it's always kind of been about her and her feelings and there are some abandonment issues that have caused me to have trust issues, weight issues, depression issues eta.  I feel like our relationship is better, but I just found out recently that it's true that people will never change and I know I have to accept that, but it's hard when you feel like your mother is and wasn't really there for you.  And that's kind of the intro to my actual topic; we both started losing weight around the same time, I've lost 140 and she's lost 60.  But I've noticed the more I've lost the more stuff she's saying; like she'll say I know I'm not losing as fast as you because I'm 50 or this or that.  I do think age has something to do with it, but I also think it's because she's just not as controling as I am about the diet and making sure you do enough exercise.  I never tell her this, I try to encourage her and I feel like she should be rooting for me, because being overweight since I was like 11 made it so I've never been in a relationship, never had sex, have a hard time with anything social due to my lack of confidance and my self esteem.  She has a man she has had children she's had experiences in life that I am losing weight so that I can experience those to, but the last few months, it's like she's mad that I'm losing, tries to talk me into a cheat day, which I don't want to do because a.  I always feel terribly guilty and b.  I feel like I would be using food to cope with my issues and I want to try and stop doing that.  But my question is given the history of my relationship with her; how do I deal with her jealously and her trying to sabatogue me, doesn't she want me to be happy or is it just more important to her that she loses weight and not me?

You have done amazing, dont let anyonemake u feel otherwise. Perhaps your mother is jealous, perhaps even though she has had numerous life experiences she is.still insecure, its up to you girl, but if it was me, i would take this opourunity to continue empowering myself and ask my mother why she says those thinks.....but thts just me, my hubby says im confrontational, i tell him i am just extreamly assertive! Lol however, people dont like having their behaviours addressed, ur mom will probly get upset, but atleast ull kno u stood up and spoke up :) best of luck

Hello,  

From the sounds of it, your mother might fall into the narcissistic personality range.  My sisters found that daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com helped them a lot.  Do you live with your mother, or just nearby her?

You sound like you are being very strong, do you have a weight loss buddy (other than your mother) , someone you can call whenever she brings something up and you're feeling tempted?

I know how hard it is to ignore the things you haven't done/been able to do.  Whenever I find myself thinking about what a horrible childhood I had, or how many health problems I have, I think about all the people who have had it so much worse.  There are a lot of them.

As for the weight, and not having had sex, I was 256 pounds when I met my husband and he wasn't/isn't a chubby chaser (I know they aren't bad, just not my type).  He does love me no matter how I look (I never know why).  I must be that awesome.  It's really hard not to blame our weight/mothers/childhood/health issues, because they do factor in a *lot* to who and what we've become.  In the end though, it's our minds that hold us back, how we think the world sees us ( yes a lot of people can be brutal, but not *all the people*) not necessarily how it actually does see us. 

Obviously your mind isn't holding you back so much since you're able to keep going even whilst she's trying to pull you down, if I were you, I would try to cut ties with the negativety and find like minded people outside/away from your mothers circle of influence.  Set yourself free and believe in yourself,  go get what you want, you don't have to wait until you're 'skinny' to find someone who can love you or enjoy yourself with (doesn't your mom have a guy?).  Just don't settle for some schmuck :)

 

I'm very tempted to delete everything I just wrote, worried I've babbled and not actually made any sense.  Sorry, going to post it in case it does.

thank you and it does help, just to have people who listen and especially you guys who give me advice as well.  I do have other people in my life who support me, but I guess it just really hurts that I can't get that from my own mother.  I want to accept this fact and try to move on but I'm a very sensitive/emotional person and I don't understand how someone who claims to love you unconditional can have so many conditions when it comes to showing that love and support.  I won't let her negativity stop me and believe me it has in the past.  I had a long talk with a good friend tonight and I know that I need to find a way to start loving myself so that I can let love in and find my own "one" lol.  I am strong, but it feels like when my mother does these things it breaks my heart a little.  But I think I've got to find a way to accept that's how she is and keep myself separate from her drama, because she makes me into this person who I am not and no one should have control over who you are but yourself.  Thanks again for the post and I'll def. check out that site :)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Sometimes one's mother is not really one's mother, but is the person who birthed you.  If you don't find support and nurturing from your mother, find it in others who are not toxic to your happiness and your recovery.  If this means limiting time with her, or if it means declaring that some topics are no longer up for discussion, so be it.  The door is always open for you to walk through it out into the fresh air of recovery and the promise for tomorrow by doing your hard work today.

I can't begin to describe to you how proud I am of you and what you are doing for yourself!

FWIW I have always sort of been my mother's mother as far as being more mature and responsible.  I am talking from childhood through the present day.  Issues galore.  I was blessed to have an older female friend in my life who filled that role for me when I really needed a healthy mentor and not drama and frustration. 

This is your life, my dear.  I'm so glad you are fighting for it.  No cheat days, and don't hang out with or listen to people who encourage you to partake, no matter their genetic relationship to you. 

P.S.  I met my husband of 24 years when I weighed 305 pounds and when I was 29yo.  He was 27.  Interestingly, he had dreamed about me before ever meeting me -- true story!!  When he did finally meet me it was a jolt of realization.  :)  Been together ever since.  When it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and it comes in its own time.  Keep your chin up, and keep doing what you're doing in both physical and emotional recovery so that when your guy comes along you will be open to having a life with him. 

 

The mental part of all of this is definitely the hardest. I'm glad you have someone to talk to. I would tell your mother that you appreciate her input, but talk about weight loss is off-limits. And the whole "nod and smile" approach works for me (and then ignore whatever stupid comment was made).

My mother and I had WLS about the same time. I had RNY and now have a BMI of 21. She had lap-band and is bigger than when she started (I'd guess her BMI is around 35). She used to complain about her loss and wanted advise, but then she would get angry when I did so I stopped. We do not discuss weight anymore.

I hope you can find some resolution. My mother can be very difficult so I can definitely sympathize. Hang in there!!

Thank you to everyone.  It's soo nice to be able to have an outlet for my emotions other than stuffing them down with food like I did for so long.  Sometimes I regret not starting this all earlier in life, but like you said nancy things happen when they are suppose to, so I try to live my life thinking positively. 

I can relate to many of the issues you are having with your mother. My mother is not one to accept responsibility for her actions. Over the years I have had to distance myself. We have a cordial relationship but we are not close. I finally realized she will not change and I refuse to be held hostage by her baloney. I love her but I refuse to cosign on her craziness.

Hello and glad you are doing well. I have worked in mental health for many years. Let me tell you one thing I have tried to pass on to people with toxic parents. It is called radical acceptance. This mean you simply accept she is that way and you can not change her. It does mean you think it is ok or even forgive her. You are only hurting your self the more it bothers you. Think of what it would do when she says things like you just say with out bother yeah I know that may be? Just wanted to throw it out there. You can google radical acceptance and find lots of tips.

Great job at keeping at your plan!

As far as mom, you should set boundaries! For sure!
When you do she most like will have some emotions that arise... Be prepared, but it will be so freeing! You are your own adult self in your life! You have choices that as parents may not always agree to or be willing to help with. My mom has done sabotaging in my past... Tried hard as she could and I pushed on. Boundaries are amazing! If you live in her house this can still be done. Respect sometimes mean to agree to disagree!

Stand up for your fight for sure!!!

Hugs!!